Afraid to break it off

I have been doing the whole online dating thing. I am in my 30s, but have never had a boyfriend. I have been looking for a guy who has immigrated from the same country as me and speaks my native language. However, I'd want him to Americanized because my culture (and country of origin) stigmatize mental illness.

My therapist suggested I branch out and give other guys a chance so I went on a date with this guy who doesn't match these characteristics. We ended up having some things in common, like interests in music and movies. We like similar cuisines and we both have not traveled much. He's laidback, which is nice. He wasn't turned off by my fish allergy. All the dozen or so guys from my culture whom I have gone on dates with in the past year have been visibly turned off by my allergy and never asked me for a second date.

This issue is is that I'm not attracted to this guy. He's a nice guy, but he's not physically attractive to me. However, when I try to imagine that he has the same cultural background as me and/or speaks my native language, I feel attracted to him.

I've been on 5 dates with him and he texts me a lot to tell me he is thinking of me or that he misses me or to express that he really likes me. I kind of dodge those remarks and respond with something else. Everyone in my life is telling me that I need to break it off with him if I'm not attracted. The thing is that I am scared that I will continue pursuing guys of my cultural background only to be rejected when they learn about my allergy or mental illness or physical illnesses. I don't want to miss my chance to have a marriage or a family because I refused to accept a guy who didn't share my cultural background. At the same time, I'll never know if I could have gotten a guy who matched what I was looking for because I can't be looking for other guys or dating them if I continue to date this guy.

I don't know what to do and it's all sending my anxiety through the roof.

Would you feel ok if it were the other way around but you knew both sides?

I'm not sure I follow. If he was the one who was looking for someone of his cultural background?

Let's roll it this way...
You find someone that looks exactly like you want. He has the background. You're hooked. You message him daily and tell him home much you like him. You really start to like him. You begin fantasizing a future together. He, months later, says, "I'm really looking for someone from Ohio. You just don't look attractive to me. I'm sorry. Bye."
Now how do you feel? Are you leading this guy on?

Ok, totally get what you're saying. I feel super guilty about the whole thing. I have kept seeing him because I want to like him and I tell myself that I shouldn't have this cultural background requirement. I have been hoping that feelings would develop since he seems to be a match in a number of ways. I have avoided relationships my whole life and I'm scared that I'm letting a good one slip away. I'm a complete noob at dating/relationships.

I'm a noob at it all over again at 43. I've had offers from women I wasn't into and was honest about it. I've had an offer and wasn't into her but took the offer anyway. I told her the whole time I didn't want a relationship. I didn't even let her tell me her name because I didn't care. It was about sex, and that was phenomenal. She developed feelings and I felt bad about it and told her it was over, because I only felt physical attraction to her. The last time we spoke at all she punched me, deservedly and deservedly hard, in front of other people. I hurt her because she liked me and I let it continue. I still have guilt over that. I wouldn't do it again and I won't. I don't even want just hookups any more.

I'd break it off with this guy because you aren't into him but continue to date people with different backgrounds (your background and other backgrounds). Is it possible you just aren't attracted to *this* guy specifically and that you are only assuming it's due to his background?

If you're not physically attracted, that is a deal breaker, typically. You have to have attraction in order to become physically intimate with someone. Perhaps continue to not limit yourself to those from the same background, but find someone who is physically attractive to you.

Yeah, I think you need to be honest.. if you don't think it's gonna work, no point in continuing this.

I agree. The initial breaking it off will be awkward and maybe even painful, but the next day you will be glad you were honest. The alternative is to feel trapped in a relationship you don't want to be in, and getting more deeply into lies. I've been in this situation and the ultimate result was disastrous. Oh, how I wish I would have spoken my truth 12 years before I did

I agree with the people above. Really the most important factor in relationships by far is communication and getting to know each other's true feelings. If you spare him the truth now it will only feel worse as time goes on.

My issue seems to be that I want to get married and have kids already. I could see this guy being a good husband and father. I feel like maybe I could be okay married to him. Sure, there wouldn't be love or passion, but I'd be satisfied that I finally am a wife and mother. Is that weird?

Without passion, you'd hate every day. Trust me.

I understand where you're coming from, but you'd eventually grow to resent him or worse.

We had anniversaries of "happy anniversary, goodnight," and Valentines of "goodnight" without kisses or even hugs. No Passion, unless she wanted something from me. You'd hate that really quickly

As others are saying, you will be very unhappy. Not a good reason to get married. You have to live with that person day in and day out. Without love or passion, they're just a roommate. Is that really what you want?