[kuro92]

We're both 25 and been together for 4 yrs. I don't have a problem with tattoos (he got 6 on his arms since we've been together) as long as it's not excessive. He even promised me he wouldn't get anymore after getting a very large one on his arm. But, he's been arguing with me for the past several months on and off over getting a tattoo on his face and throat. I told him how I'm not too comfortable with him getting it in those spots and have been pleading with him to get it anywhere else. At first I asked him if he can keep his tattoos to arms only, but compromised to anywhere else, but face/throat. I should also mention he's in between jobs and looking for one right now who I feel will make it so much harder for his job hunting.

He's so deadest on it and I found out today he made a consultation for tomorrow. I'm pretty hurt that he did this behind my back, especially since we've been arguing about it so much lately. He always apologized after we argue and even at times he told me he decided to get it elsewhere, but just goes right back to wanting it again and arguing. I sometimes feel like he just likes arguing for the sake of arguing. He will drag an argument about this right when I get home from a long day of work for hours! His mom is also against it.

I completely understand it's his body, but what's bothering me is that he asks me if it's okay first and when I tell him I'm uncomfortable about it, he'll just basically keep whining about how he wants it and even went as far to say my opinions/reasons against it were stupid. What's really irking me is that there have been so many times that I've wanted to do certain things (cosmetic included) and he told me he was uncomfortable with it and would prefer I didn't. One of those was even about a small tattoo that he told me he preferred I chose a different spot to get it done. Each time I've respected him and agreed right away to his wishes or at least compromised because I would never want to make him uncomfortable. We live together and plan to get married so I feel it's very hurtful that he can't even do the same for me and respect my wishes especially since I've compromised with him. Instead he keeps basically whining about it for hours thinking I'll give in. It's not really even about the tattoo so much at this point. It's more that I feel like I'm willing to constantly respect him when it comes to making sure he's comfortable or compromise in this relationship, but he's not doing that with me. I've tried to explain that to him, but he keeps insisting it's not a big deal and not really acknowledging a lot of things I've sacrificed for him. At the end today after a big argument I told him to just do whatever he wanted, but I would be upset. He's still trying to fully convince me and I'm getting honestly tired of this. Any advice ):?

[TishaBuv]

Do you think you’ll still marry him if he does it?

I’m probably going to get some flack here from the community, but getting a tattoo on your face takes it to another level for getting judged harshly by society, getting employed, etc...

[divine1966]

I personally wouldn’t date or marry people with tattoos on their faces. It’s my personal preference. It depends what you are ok with. We all have different standards and deal breakers.

Id also make a mental note that he has no job yet thinks of getting a tattoo. How is he planning to pay for it?

I love body mods. I'm tattoo'd and pierced and usually have wild hair colors. My husband and I both still give each other veto/hard limits. I wanted dermal anchors and he said no, so I didn't get them. I want him to find me attractive too. He respects me the same way. I think that's how it should work.

[Bill3]

It's more that I feel like I'm willing to constantly respect him when it comes to making sure he's comfortable or compromise in this relationship, but he's not doing that with me.

I'd have to agree with you that, from what you've told us he is not making reasonable compromises with you. He is not even keeping the promises that he does make.

It seems that "compromise", in his mind, involves getting entirely what he wants, plus, in this situation, your approval of it (he is still trying to "fully convince" you).

You wanted his tattoos on arms only, but the "compromise" was his entire body except his face/throat, which he now wants.

That is not compromise.

Last month, with a lot of effort, you put together a lovely gift for him. Perhaps the gift was over-the-top for his taste, but from what you said in your other recent thread the "compromise" was for him to utterly reject the gift and ask you to cancel it.

That is not compromise.

I've tried to explain that to him, but he keeps insisting it's not a big deal and not really acknowledging a lot of things I've sacrificed for him.

In other words, he does not take in and try to fully understand your perspective. The "compromise" when the two of you have contrasting points of view seems to be that he out-and-out dismisses your point of view.

That is not compromise.

I'm also struck by the way that, on and on, he whines and badgers.

From what you've told us, he doesn't compromise, he feels free to break promises, he doesn't respect your ideas, he whines and carries on like a child. Are you sure that he has the maturity to be a suitable marriage partner?

[~Christina]

Everyone bought up great points.

My deal is if he’s not working how can he afford tattoos ? Hell im saving for 1 and we have income just not much and certainly not for me to go spend a lot on from my tattoo artist that does a fabulous job every time.

[Artchic528]

I'd reconsider committing to marriage when the other half doesn't even respect your wishes and acts out of selfishness like a child.

[Trippin2.0]

Sounds like you plan on marrying either:
A) A spoilt brat
B) A spiteful child
C) A combo of A & B

The world clearly revolves around your bf, I would definitely address this before (if ever) tying the knot.

I'm going with a different perspective. It is his body. He should be able to do as he wants. We don't own other people. Say he were to get a terrible scar from burns and it included his face. Would you break up with him if he was disfigured in some way?

[CelestialFlame]

I completely understand it's his body, but what's bothering me is that he asks me if it's okay first and when I tell him I'm uncomfortable about it, he'll just basically keep whining about how he wants it and even went as far to say my opinions/reasons against it were stupid.

I do this often. I ask for someone’s opinion and if they disagree it just strengthens my own. Kind of like reverse psychology. If i am hesitant about wanting to do something and someone tells me i shouldn’t do it then i will become more determined to do that thing. Im not trying to be rude when i ask only to reject them, im asking more for myself, not to intentionally hurt their feelings. Not sure if that makes sense.

Originally Posted by CelestialFlame

I do this often. I ask for someone’s opinion and if they disagree it just strengthens my own. Kind of like reverse psychology. If i am hesitant about wanting to do something and someone tells me i shouldn’t do it then i will become more determined to do that thing. Im not trying to be rude when i ask only to reject them, im asking more for myself, not to intentionally hurt their feelings. Not sure if that makes sense.

I completely understand this. Some of the best decisions were the ones people told me not to do. Lol.

[Hairball]

What does he want more? U or this tat? Sounds like he is choosing this tat over you and your feelings. Plus promises are not meant to be broken, so how many other promises will he break?
Does he know how hard it is to find employment these days? This will make it twice as hard, maybe impossible. He should be concentrating on employment and thinking about supporting you and his future family.

His priorities are pretty messed up.

[Trippin2.0]

Maybe he’s getting the face tattoo to make sure he never has to work...

[Travelinglady]

I worry about someone who wants a tattoo on his face. Have you read anything about it? (I'll go check.) I also agree with the folks who think it's a bad sign that you don't want it and have made your thoughts clear, but he still whines about it. Also, doesn't he realize it will not be seen in a positive way by most people? Even the Military rejects people with noticeable tattoos, no questions asked, from what I understand. Is he trying to rebel against authority or what?

Articles for thought: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...oos-could-talk

https://theoutline.com/post/3355/fac...=1&zi=uniridvp

[Soul Quake]

So...
-He argues for the sake of arguing
-He whines
-He doesn't respect your wishes
-He doesn't acknowledge what you've done for him

You aren't dealing with a very mature person here. This tattoo business seems to be bringing out his bad qualities. It doesn't sound like your needs are being met.

Facial tattoos are a big decision, and shouldn't be done after contemplating for a couple of months. Maybe he should pour his energy into getting a job instead. Twenty-five is really young to make such a commitment, imo.

[Talthybius]

Out of all the men in the world, why would you select one that wants a tattoo in his face? What is a rational reason to get a tattoo anyway, period? The only reason is if you are a professional athlete or artist and you want it as part of your image/intimidation factor/insecurity fixer.

And for sure, if you are in a healthy relationship any big decision you want to make you try to get the support of your significant other. I would be hugely disrespected if my partner suddenly got a tattoo without mentioning it. It wouldn't be better if they got a tattoo despite my objections. But I think I wouldn't like the type of girl that likes getting tattoos anyway. To me, people that get a tattoo are inferior people.

But then again, I haven't been in a position where I was wrong in judging the most important person in my life. So that is easy for me to say.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Talthybius

What is a rational reason to get a tattoo anyway, period? The only reason is if you are a professional athlete or artist and you want it as part of your image/intimidation factor/insecurity fixer.

But I think I wouldn't like the type of girl that likes getting tattoos anyway. To me, people that get tattos are inferior people.

Those are extremely judgmental (and incorrect) statements. All kinds of people have tattoos. I’m a professor at a prestigious university and I have tattoos; they relate to my area of research/publications. They are in areas that are covered by a business suit. What the OP is talking about— a tattoo on the face (by someone who is job hunting)— is very different from the millions of people who have meaningful tattoos in areas that can be covered by clothing when they deem it appropriate. And, most importantly, it’s about the way the OP’s boyfriend is not taking her feelings seriously. Dating someone with a face tattoo will inevitably reflect on the OP; it’s a big statement and not everyone would feel comfortable with that. That’s a huge difference than dating someone with a butterfly on their on their ankle.

[divine1966]

In what ways people with tatoos are inferior? I have no tattoos but never considered people with tattoos are inferior to me? In what way?

[healingme4me]

I worry about the way the OPs bf goads her into a reaction and plays a role of defiant teenager with her.

[*Laurie*]

I am shocked at the tattoo stigma exposed by this thread. I mean SHOCKED. A group of people with mental illness, people who do not want to be stigmatized (RIGHT???), and look at yourselves stigmatizing someone with tattoos! Posting mean, nasty, just plain bit*hy comments.

A tattoo, unless it's for gang affiliation - which is a whole subculture in itself and requires a different response - is a creative and artistic expression.

kuro92, you declared that you understand it's his body and that you respect that reality, but no, you really don't. You say it, and maybe you believe your words, but they are superficial. They don't run deep and true.

The man has every right to tattoo any part of his body that he wants to. As for a job, maybe he wants to become a tattoo artist. Who knows?

With regard to paying for his tattoo, first of all, he might have some kind of deal worked out with his artist - whatever that might be, we do not know. Some people do work in a shop in exchange for ink. Maybe he's borrowing or getting money from someone willing to fund his tattoo. Really, it's nobody's business.

Wow. This thread just has me floored.

I think facial tattoos, if done artistically, can be very appealing.

kuro, it sounds to me like you and your guy have some major differences. Tattooing and body modification isn't just something one "does"; it is a life style, it is an expression of one's very being. And you aren't comprehending that, as far as I can tell from your post. I see very basic and very large conflicts between you and your bf happening. It sounds like you need someone different and he needs someone who can respect him for who he truly is, and be his partner in life style choices.

No, no, no. The man has every right as a human being to get a tattoo anywhere he wants to. No exception to that.

Ask your guy which he values most: You or his tattoos and he might answer truthfully, "My tattoos"- and that is his choice, like it or not.

Sincerely,
*Laurie* (who has more tattoos than she can count and finds each one a precious expression of Self)

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Talthybius

Out of all the men in the world, why would you select one that wants a tattoo in his face? What is a rational reason to get a tattoo anyway, period? The only reason is if you are a professional athlete or artist and you want it as part of your image/intimidation factor/insecurity fixer.

And for sure, if you are in a healthy relationship any big decision you want to make you try to get the support of your significant other. I would be hugely disrespected if my partner suddenly got a tattoo without mentioning it. It wouldn't be better if they got a tattoo despite my objections. But I think I wouldn't like the type of girl that likes getting tattoos anyway. To me, people that get a tattoo are inferior people.

But then again, I haven't been in a position where I was wrong in judging the most important person in my life. So that is easy for me to say.

I have tattoos and love mine. So I’m inferior??? WTH ???

Your response on this thread literally has me speechless just speechless.

Wha?????????

[*Laurie*]

^^^ Talthybius' post has me speechless, too. It's like something from the Dark Ages. If anything, someone who is tattooed has more self-esteem because we are taking that chance that we will be stigmatized for how we look. Someone who feels "inferior" is not likely to express him/herself outwardly.

But most of this thread is horrid to me. I don't want to name several names, but...seriously. All kinds of misunderstanding, judgment, stigma. Just a load of stigma.

[Talthybius]

It is a decision and a statement. Not something that just happens to you. People that get a tattoo get it exactly because they want the stigma.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Talthybius

It is a decision and a statement. Not something that just happens to you. People that get a tattoo get it exactly because they want the stigma.

You again made somebody else’s thread about yourself. We understood your personal opinion and preferences but what’s that to do with this poster’s dilemma? Are you very young? I’d understand if it’s due to very young age. Teens make everything about themselves. Part of growing up

[Bill3]

I think that most people who get tattoos are regular people who want to express something about themselves in a personal and artistic way. For a person who loves birds, for example, a tattoo of a beautiful bird is another way of expressing that love.