[Zararose]

My boyfriend had a horrible marriage experience just prior to me. -she sounded controlling and she cheated on him. He lost a lot of money and hes very bitter about it all. Bitter about housing, women, relationships and the longevity of them! I'll be telling him about a couple at work and he'll comment that it won't last. He's said you shouldn't fall in love or get a wife if you want to go far in life. I've suggested he go and talk to someone about it because he's just so bitter and angry about it all but he said he just won't make the same mistakes again.

I've tried to talk to him about it this week. He has said many things that worry me but the worst was when he said he's not going to be heart broken again so he's not going to be overly attached anymore. He said he won't fight for me to stay and I should stay only if I want to. But he IS loving to me. He calls me pets names and is affectionate. I sometimes wonder if there is a lack of emotional intimacy. He is on his phone A LOT and I've given up trying to connect with him.

This 'no attachment' worries me but I'm wondering if I'm being TOO attached and expecting too much from him? I know i get very attached to people.. ( ive been an absolute mess this week thinking about this). But why should I get attached if he's not willing to do the same for me?. I'm not even sure what 'no attachment' looks like as I don't know what he would be doing differently if he were more attached to me. I was very close to my first boyfriend and I'm wondering if that's it.. you're first attachment is the strongest and then the need fades away? But then.. why am I so miserable? I don't want to believe that!! I love my boyfriend but everything that he's said makes me think that I'm wanting more attachment in my relationship? What if I lose him but i don't find it anywhere? Is this just what adult relationships are about? .. it also comes down to the fact that I don't think he loves me as much as he did his ex wife. He talked about the rest of his life with her and committed to her. Why doesn't he feel that way about me? I feel like I'm second best.

Thanks for listening

[Molinit]

It doesn't matter why he doesn't feel that way about you. He is clearly showing you and telling you who he is. If this isn't what you're looking for, time to pull the plug.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Zararose: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry I don't think I have any particularly useful insights into the situation you describe. From what you wrote, it sounds as though your bf simply is not ready to commit to a new relationship nor is he willing to do anything in an effort to change that.

No... I don't believe this is what adult relationships are about. Yes, there is certainly the possibility that, should you let your bf go, you may not find another better relationship. There is certainly that possibility. But I don't know if that makes remaining in this relationship a good idea. Only you know the answer to that question.

Here are links to some articles on the subject of emotional unavailability, from PsychCentral's archives, that may provide some food for thought:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...navailability/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-warn...y-unavailable/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knott...ailable-lover/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/is-you...-or-is-it-you/

I don't know, of course, if you're here simply seeking advice with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to continue posting. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

[Macd123]

This guy needs more time - if he’s using you as a sounding board it’s a huge red flag. Personally, I couldn’t handle it...... good luck 🙏

[Crazy Hitch]

Why is he in a relationship? For sex? (sorry, gotta ask). Or is this a rebound for him?

[graystreet]

I think it was Maya Angelou who said when a person tells you who they are, believe them. He has clearly told you he is not going to get attached and will not fight for you. If you're waiting for him to change, or think that loving him enough will love him out of his past hurt, I'm here to tell you that won't happen.

I'm sorry to project onto you, but I just ended something with a man who told me all along who he was, and I ignored it thinking he needed more time or that he was just hurt from his previous relationship. The problem is that all of his previous relationships were bad. If I ask him, he had no responsibility in any of them: this one emotionally abused him and was an addict, this one cheated on him, this one left him after 4 years with no explanation and convinced their entire friend group he is crazy with her lies... I opened myself up completely to him and allowed myself to be ripped apart by this guy, and when I look back, yes, he told me all along who he was.

Think very carefully what you are and are not willing to put up with, because he is not emotionally available.

[Zararose]

Thank everyone for you're replies! I've asked him again about the attachment. He's said he is committed to me and it's only if it doesn't work out that he won't be bothered and he'll move on cause he isn't afraid of being alone. Which i guess is a good realization for him?

[Zararose]

Thank you for your reply! Sorry you had to go through that. The last part of your first sentence really hit me. "I can't love him out of his past hurt". I've been thinking the same thing too. That he just needs more time. But it's been over a year and it still pops up every now and then. Not all the time but it does. But my mind is preoccupied by it. I have dreams about this womem. Ive heard too much.. and now I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to come back from all this. I didn't find out he was separated but still married until after 4 months. By then I was already attached to him

[Zararose]

It's been a year and I'm still not over it. I'm starting to doubt whether each of us actually loves each other and we're both so miserable and that's what brought us together. Iwasnt happy before and I'm not really all that happy now.

[TishaBuv]

Hello Zararose and welcome to PC! It sounds to me like this relationship has run its course. He is the walking wounded and needed to get over that before carrying it into his next relationship. If you are miserable it’s time to go.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Zararose

Thank everyone for you're replies! I've asked him again about the attachment. He's said he is committed to me and it's only if it doesn't work out that he won't be bothered and he'll move on cause he isn't afraid of being alone. Which i guess is a good realization for him?

Sounds like something someone braced for hurt would say.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Zararose

Thank you for your reply! Sorry you had to go through that. The last part of your first sentence really hit me. "I can't love him out of his past hurt". I've been thinking the same thing too. That he just needs more time. But it's been over a year and it still pops up every now and then. Not all the time but it does. But my mind is preoccupied by it. I have dreams about this womem. Ive heard too much.. and now I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to come back from all this. I didn't find out he was separated but still married until after 4 months. By then I was already attached to him

I had to reread this. Am I misreading this?