[vel55]

I have been with my husband for 6 years (dating for 4 years). I love him dearly but sometimes it is so hard on me. He is high functioning, loving and has a good career but always put himself down and says that we are not doing enough. I work extremely hard and so does he, but this is what I can offer. I feel that I am not enough for him and it happens at least once a week. His either locked up in his room or takes all his anger out on me. I don't know how to take it anymore. I am starting to feel incompetent, suicidal and sad. I need advise.

- his taking medications
- his overweight and doesn't want to exercise
- his taking blood pressure and cholesterol pills

- feeling overwhelmed

[MrMoose]

It’s an awful, terrible thing to watch someone we love harm themselves, deliberately, insanely, despite the awful consequences of the behavior, and knowing where it’s leading.

I think we need to speak up and help if we’re asked, but we can’t do more than we can do, and ultimately we are not responsible for fixing someone else and we can love them dearly but we have to entrust them to the hands of fate/God/joss/nature/the universe.

At least that’s the theory. I’ve ignored it on occasion in the past.

[Skeezyks]

Hello vel: I'm sorry you are in the midst of this difficult situation. From what you wrote, it sounds like your husband may be suffering from serious depression. Here are links to a bunch of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subjects of depression in men, & how to help someone who is struggling with depression:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/helping...mber-get-help/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-thi...le-depression/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/tms/2...-is-different/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...le-depression/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/welln...ession-in-men/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-ways...th-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-best...th-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-way...one-in-denial/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...sed-loved-one/

Two forums, here on PC, that may be of interest would be the relationships forum, & the partners & caregivers forum. Here are links:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...communication/

https://forums.psychcentral.com/part...ivers-support/

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I don't know, of course, if you're here simply seeking advice with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to continue posting. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

I wish you both well...

As the depressed individual in a relationship I can tell you all I wanted was acknowledgement and appreciation.

Reach out and find understanding. What are the triggers or source of the depression? Are there things you can do to take the burden off? Address the illness, tell him you want to understand, and ask how you can best provide encouragement.

And speaking of encouragement, what is he doing to improve his own situation? Can you encourage him to talk to his family doctor? One avenue is to ask him to look into and contact his EAP (Employee Assistance Program). Note, do not confuse this with a benefits package. Many employers have an EAP. What they basically are, is a clearing house of resources and support.

For example, when I realised I was dealing with work place stress and anxiety, I contacted my own EAP. The person on the phone provided a kind ear. They set me up with a free consultation with two different psychologists that my benefits plan would cover. They, with my permission, acted as an advocate with my HR department at work. They also sent me a care package which basically was a box of workbooks and stress reduction things (a CD, bath salts, essential oil, book).

Another example, my boyfriend as part of his job duties had to respond to the scene of a fatality. He had to look after the needs of his company driver but it was disturbing to him too. Who would look after his needs? He was clearly distressed so I asked him to call his own EAP for guidance. They provided him with a telecon psychologist for several sessions.

So investigate whether your husband has such a resource available. They really do a lot of good.