Sometimes I would wish I never met my biological father but then I think I would always have wondered what he was like.
When I stopped seeing him at 16 years of age, a man who worked with hI'm said that he would never have gone back to work if I hadn't convinced him. I never realiased that I had an impact. But it was too little too late. He would say that I never wanted to do anything. But that wasn't true, I gave up on him. I would go round all bushy tailed and ask if we could have Chinese for tea. He would hesitate and say, we will see. Then I would ask if we could take Lady a walk and he would say his leg was sore. Then I would say can we go up town then and he would say , later. If we had a pizza it always had to be deep.pan and would stay gooey in middle. I liked thin crust. I would make his coffee and he would moan if I left a single drip on the worked tops from my own n grans tea. I knew I would never join the military.
He had a SAD lamp but he was kidding himself . He had depression related to his own thinking and life . Even as a child I easily figured that out. He would always defend himself by saying, health before wealth and I would roll.my eyes and think: sitting there smoking 60 a day and drinking ten plus cups of coffee is not healthy. So I would say youd be better working than sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. I would retreat up stairs to escape his cigarette smoke. I wasn't even good at computer games.

[Crazy Hitch]

Do you know Cat Stephen's song - The Cats and the Cradle.

It's a shame he never made more of an effort with you

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you've had this experience with your father. Sending big hugs.

[~Christina]

Go easy on yourself.

You had nothing to do with all his dropping the ball with you.

I'm so sorry.

Yes it was the fault in my stars that would lead me into nearly marrying an emotionally unavailable man, and henceforth the cycle would continue. But i am my own person and just in the nick of time - cage the elephant

What got me about my father was how he would always grumble that I was the one who never phoned him. But he was the adult and I would say you have my mobile number so my mum won't even answer. I didn't want to see him more often anyway. It was OK when I was young and didn't know any better. I only had to see him from nine tlll lunch. We would go swimming then to the cafe up stairs.
It was so difficult because he would say my brother was my "illigetimate" brother or imply he was a "bast#4d" as my mum wasn't married to my step dad. He harboured such bitter feelings towards my mum. So I was afraid to raise my voice or argue back incase he said I was a "bit&^" like my mum. He said to me once " life is a b!@#$" then you marry one." I wish he had the decency to move further away from my mum. My mum wasn't happy about him coming to see me to begin with as I was settled in a family, mum dad n brother. My father just wouldn't let sleeping dog's lie.

I have to defend a family member of mine here when they used to say that the strained relationship was her fault as she never phoned. Children are impressionable and learn from adults example even if they think they don't.

I found letters once my grandfather died in his study. I kept them to myself and disposed of them once I read them. One was from an Uncle and he said that my father must be disappointed that my mum had a girl.
I can see that being true. My dad would always recount tv programmes he saw. Going on about how women can't go on he front line or on submarines or be a marine etc. Me I was like so what? I don't want to look like swarzaneggar. I wanted to use my brain. I was always going to do something creative. Even know if there's a fight scene in a film my brain wanders and I miss what's going on.
I didn't think much to it, just thought he was still angry with my mum. And later I learnt his own mum. He joined the Army at 15 placing the blame on "her". Who is her, the cats mother?

I liked English and Art, just a typical young lass. He would buy me chemistry set which I didn't have that frame of mind to get stuck into. I just wanted a film or a book or a cd.

He would sit on his throne and quiz me about what I wanted to be. He would say this person is going to be a music teacher etc.
He just wanted to be able to tell people that I was going to be something.
When I got a job in my gap year. The first thing he iterated was how I could climb up the ladder because someone else did.
Hardly any wonder I was disenfranchised with his bol#oks

My grandmother started to get a bit of early onset dementia. I was mad with my dad because he made her one cheese toastie the whole entire day and didn't cook her a tea at night. She still did housework and took dog. If he hated her so much why would he stay in same house. He refused houses he was offered just because of a bad paint job. How hard is it to re decorate?

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like your father suffers from low self esteem and low self worth. He was most likely emotionally neglected as a child because he is still acting that resentment out. This can be something in the deep subconscious mind that a person doesn't really understand on a conscious level. Your father is just showing you what he knows and it's good that you are recognizing that he is not the kind of mentor you need and that you are going to work on yourself and developing yourself despite him.

Originally Posted by SapphireRed

He would sit on his throne and quiz me about what I wanted to be. He would say this person is going to be a music teacher etc.
He just wanted to be able to tell people that I was going to be something.
When I got a job in my gap year. The first thing he iterated was how I could climb up the ladder because someone else did.
Hardly any wonder I was disenfranchised with his bol#oks

He also said that the job I landed which BTW I had to fight tooth n nail for was a lazy option . I was taking easy way out. Jobs are not easy to come by where I stay there is LOTS of competition and I was lucky to get my job. Looking back it was the best job I ever had and i would have went back if it was possible. But I had an embarrassing episode and I had no choice but to move along. I have ended up just drifting aimlessly

My step dad would say I needed to decide what I wanted to do and that I should use the brains God gave me and put them to good use. When I stayed in to do my homework he would say I should be out with my friends because my younger brother never did one bit of homework his entire life. They boasted that they had never read a whole book ever. I must have got my analytical mind from my father and he was good at art he told me. So me and my brother were like two ships passing in the night all of high school and beyond

But I was always angrier with my mum. I wasn't actually angry with my father at all because of his circumstances.
I sit here shaking my head, because my father would be trying to get a blue card to prove he was disabled one minute then he lo and behold made a miraculous recovery and got a job as a full time welder! Unbelievable. His problems were all in his head. I wouldn't have continued to speak to him but the men at his work encouraged me to keep contact. Even though when I went to see him he would sleep in his chair and make me make his Horlicks and coffee. But when I took a boyfriend round he would talk till the cows came home and call ME lazy. So I had to cut him out of my life.
My mum put my step-dad and brother before me. My father even though he didn't have much gave me pocket money every week. And he was so laid back compared to my step-dad who was a step beyond authoritarian. My brother has to take pills for his mental health too but I will make a mental note not to tell anyone when I do commence work after study.
But my mum would say boy's need more. She always wanted to be one of the boys. She couldn't bear the thought of me doing well. My brother got dinner money to last most of the week but I had to resort to walking home and missing out on time with my friends. I didn't want to ask for more because they would say things like I would grow up and thank them profusely for everything they gave me - food and shelter and they would make me feel like I had to be eternally grateful to them for buying me one pair of trainers to last me a whole year. So of course I was angry with my mum for the way she acted. She proceeded to poison me against my Gran and grandad as I got to about 14. I used to go to theirs for tea and a bit of peace from all the drama. But my mum would say things like my brother did 18 holes every night that week at the golf course where as I was a bone idle p$£ce of s£$t like my father.
I did studying and sport too and I DID help around the house. When I was 15 I got a job. It didn't matter what I did, it was never enough for my family. Everything came down to money at the end of the day.

My family has always been embroiled with secrets. That was the only reason why I would get into trouble - for telling the truth.
I remember being at my fathers as I was getting older and I started to challenge his reasoning. He was extremely passive aggressive, I figured out. And he had a weird habit of telling me lies thinking it was amusing because his life was so fickle and small. He said when I was really young and we would make jigsaws together that he had skeletons in the closet.
I am not sure how we got to it one day but he told me that he had children before my Mum and he said it solemnly and I thought that there may be a shred of truth in it. he did write to someone in Norway, I found the letters but I did not read them. At this very moment I think he just made it up.

Originally Posted by SapphireRed

I found letters once my grandfather died in his study. I kept them to myself and disposed of them once I read them. One was from an Uncle and he said that my father must be disappointed that my mum had a girl.
I can see that being true. My dad would always recount tv programmes he saw. Going on about how women can't go on he front line or on submarines or be a marine etc. Me I was like so what? I don't want to look like swarzaneggar. I wanted to use my brain. I was always going to do something creative. Even know if there's a fight scene in a film my brain wanders and I miss what's going on.
I didn't think much to it, just thought he was still angry with my mum. And later I learnt his own mum. He joined the Army at 15 placing the blame on "her". Who is her, the cats mother?

Because of his antics I grew up with a hyper vigilance, always questioning what was feminine and what was masculine? I had to be tomboy because I had to look after myself because my mum and dad didn't give a frig. All they cared about was how others perceived them and they both lied through their teeth. My mum made out like she gave me the world on a silver platter, where it was the complete opposite. I did chores and received nothing in return. I felt like I was just a mistake.
Because If my dad had stayed in the army like he wanted he never would have met my mum. And my mums treatment of me and my brother was more than just favouritism. I was acutely aware that boys and men would always have more freedom seeing that they can walk away from a pregnant girl or woman. My mum was always like what's good enough for me is more than good enough for you and would urge me to move off the pavement for other people like we were below them. It was so confusing.
She lied to the council about having depression so we could get a bigger house. They saw right through it and it bounced. So I ended up in the psych ward, so she did everything in her power to make everyone think I had always had "something wrong with me" and I hadn't had been given a messed up and shi&*y childhood.

I feel the need to skip across to my step dads inappropriateness tonight.
On the flip side he knew he was a "ick and had trouble with expressing emotion, he said his dad rubbed off on him. He didn't make apologies but at he end of the day it was the way he was and on occasions he would open up about his past and his dismay at not getting football boots....
He did hit me...very often. He hit me across the head all the time with ceramic cup etc. and why wouldn't I have some ill feelings towards him. But my neighbour explained that he was only 21 when my mum fell pregnant and he must have hinted that he was not ready. So she said that he did his best despite the circumstances. I had a sneaky suspicion that my mother unintentionally trapped him too.
When I had a breakdown at age 18, many of his comments stick in my head because as you will see he was quite ruthless. I will try to surmise - I was spreading myself too thin and I was utterly conflicted - one part of me desperate to succeed yet another part happy to sit back and destroy completely. In short I was suicidal. I went to hang myself one night and I failed.
I ended up in Psychiatric ward of main hospital in town. My suicide attempt did not work and my family did nothing while I was in the throes of a psychotic episode which could have been intercepted earlier. In some peoples eyes I had all ready gone past the point of no return. I seemed to be going through a cycle of lucidity then an episode then back to lucidity before everyone decided that was it. I had well and truly f$%ked up any chance of a normal life in my home town.
Once I returned home. Stable and on medication. I was about to enter the remission phase. I was never warned that my brain was going to shut down due to all this trauma as a defence so I was in essence going to be depressed off my back side for a long time, and it was a part of the process of anyone who goes through an episode.
So I get that my family would have been really confused as well. And I would have been better going somewhere I could rest.
So my life had crumbled before my very eyes. And my step dad goes about his usual business and so does my mother leaving me alone most of the day thankfully. Even though the doctor consulted with my family, I am flabbergasted as to why they never asked the doctor if I would ever return to my former glory because I was an over achiever - I trained at a university alongside the Olympic squad, I was renowned for being intelligent??
My doctor proceeds to ask me "now Jennifer do you feel....dopey" and I snap back please do not condescend me.
I cannot begin to understand my mother and step-fathers reaction. All I know is that I cannot forgive him for saying "I wish she had gotten ill sooner then we could have put her into care.....I knew she would end up a waste of space...it was her all along"
I guess it was his ego protecting him from guilt.
And that when I was in hospital (ill and suicidal) that I was just a pathetic excuse of a human being.
My mother now believe what I am about to tell you - took delight in me being unwell. I was no longer miss perfect. She told as many people as she possibly could that I would never ever get better, because once a person ends up in the psyche ward, it's a just case of going back and forth your whole life (really do people not get better?) She thrived on the sympathy she got. When I was recovering and in a delicate condition she first forced me to claim benefits while living under her roof. She took pleasure in screaming in my face when she had a bad day that "you are SICK, you are sick and will need to be on medication the rest of your whole life" My step-dad I heard one night ranting "when are they going to find out what is wrong with her...the f*&king doctors said they cannot find anything wrong with her yet she takes medication" Now I wish my doctor was acting on my best interests but the fact of the matter is that psychiatrist can only label you on your second admission as I would later find out. I had had CT scans the full works.
I felt like I was all of a sudden a retarded junkie
I probably would have been better going into the hands of social work, and went down the route of supported living then my own flat on hindsight.

Enter Fred: ode to Shakespeare

After my breakdown, I had this one thought In my head; I am going to end up sad and lonely like my father. So I stuck with Fred for all the wrong reasons.

We were going to rent a place together but came across this project of a house and he got a mortgage. My earnings weren't enough to have a joint mortgage but sera.
Our relationship was always rocky and boy, did it hit the fan once we moved in together. We went out together most weekends. We argued constantly.
He said one night that I was lucky to have a man such as him, that even my very own parents told him to run a mile in the other direction away from me (they said this exact thing it was no lie) so after he smashed up one of my house warming gifts, we got a little push n shove one night and he said that a guy calling me a s"£t because of my dress was right so I tried to slap him and he grabbed my wrist stopping me, and submitted to the ground. He gritted his teeth and spat on me and I cannot remember what he said after that because what flashed through my mind was ; he could rape me

As you can gather I was frightened of Fred, not just physical violence but the way he messed my head. Our arguments always took the same turn. He did not like it if I told him a home truth and he would say: No one will believe you over me. We will have a meeting with your mum and dad and you will just end up back in the hospital. So not surprisingly I felt reduced to a child again. He would also say stop treating me like I am your step dad or simply repeat over and over I am, not David, I not David, in your mind you think I am David. But after my stint in rehab and having to take medication I read like there was no tomorrow and I came to the hard realisation that me being in hospital would have been more my real fathers fault and I had always not got on with my well with my mother. I was not projecting my step dad onto Fred and he was convinced I was, he was wrong. I had forgiven David, maybe not for his selfishness and the comments when I was sick but that was different. He was just acting on the stigma that others had influenced in him. Where I live many people believe that there is no coming back from some mental illness. I had been very un-well. This illness picked the wrong person that is one thing sure and certain

I met to go bowling with friends one night. My old best pal said bit jaded: nobody likes getting hyper anymore. We had all left school and I had been in the psych ward. I thought getting hyper meant my affliction was kicking in.

But of course Fred and I were both drunk, we often drank way too much. (We drunk a 24 case of fosters at his brothers few weekends before) But, he started on me saying pretty loudly that my friends were sure to hear: we haven't had sex in months!! and I was like I have been down. I do not think that my family and Fred realised how deeply suicidal I had been and still was.

In the take out he caused a scene with the staff, which led to him challenging one to an arm wrestle and smashing his fists on the counter in a temper tantrum when he lost screaming the guy had cheated. And my friends did not like confrontation and when we got outside, I was reluctant to go home with him in such a state so he tripped me up in the middle of the road and said I will tell your mummy and daddy and you will get locked up in ward four again.

I never really saw those friends after that night.

Like many couples we needed to split up and "meet new people"
By this I do not mean play the field in dating but simply new friends.
I said many a times that I felt stifled by him. But I stuck up for him at my work. One of my co-workers said I was a good quine. The rest made me feel like I was settling down too soon. That I had never lived my life. I knew this and it ate me up inside every day, having to trudge to my slave wage job, having to harbour the secret that I was a ward four reject.
Fred said it was no wonder why I had no friends left, nobody wanted to be friends with someone who was a mental patient, not to mention the reputation of the one in my area. The funny farm, the Looney bin that was what it was know as

Because Fred had stayed with me post breakdown, I felt like I owed him, and the way he spoke and treated me it was as if he considered himself some kind of martyr.
A former sports coach of mine had had words with him. This snake had told my mum that I was a waste of talent, it was a shame. But he told Fred I was not good enough for him and that he should go away and think and consider what people would say about him for staying with someone who had to have an in patient stay. I know he said a lot worse than this and this is the tame version. Fred was not one for opening up. He said that he had higher principles than me that I couldn't understand as I was a women. I would like to know what he said in full. I can speculate, sure.
So I was not told by the doctor that nearly everyone who had had my symptom would need meds in the long long-term. So I was desperate to get away and start a fresh. I decided to apply for the military. This subdued the gossip, as it made it look like there was still hope.
On a subconscious level I think I was trying to bide myself time or simply put, I just needed to get away and think and heal.
A parent from my old sports club, was working behind counter in a shop and she suggested that I take time to chill. And I took the advice. I stayed in and read just for enjoyment as well as non-fiction to help me recover.

Can I revert back to the wolf.
Well I sent back to work far too soon after breakdown. So I never lasted. Fred told me I was doomed from the start because one of the bosses detested my mother. One of the workers callously brought up something that happened when I was about five years old.
It was my real fathers fault I found out because my granny on mum's side told me that my father teased me and wound me up. So I am on camera throwing a bit of a wobbler. I was just a kid yet I guess since it was a wedding people remembered.

[NuMillenial]

First and foremost I am sorry that your family home life was never idyllic.
In response to your last response: WHY did your partner if he knew from the start, let you continue to work at a place he foresaw you would not last in? It was horrid of him know you were set up to fail. It occurs to me that he wanted to be the knight in shining armour all along