[scatteredcattle]

I'm posting first time asking for help/viewpoints bc I am stuck/lost/saaaaaaaad.

30 year old female with 1 biological child, 11, and 1 stepchild,10, I raised since age 2. Very much best friends siblings. Parents dead. Younger brother too busy with work to communicate ever or visit. Extended family keeps in touch but relationships are shallow in a way that there is support but not closeness. No close friends for 3-4 years, only recently past 7 months to found a group of older ladies meeting every week or month.

Husband is genuinely a good hearted person, cares and would not intentionally harm but a jeckyl and Hyde...nice, so sweet, when there are no "stressors" ..his or mine...good when things are good. But ANY confliction, stress, mental distraction, constructive criticism and the gates go down and he emotionally pushes me away so completely. Won't tell me goodbye/kiss me when he leaves for work. Refuses lunches I make him.

I was crying sad the other day bc we never had a child of our own and I'm tired of taking hormonal birth control so he is going to get a vasectomy and sometime soon I have to get my wisdom teeth pulled out and I've been afraid of it my whole life to the point I'm really afraid I'm going to die...I "knew" before each time my parents were going to die and I have a similar feeling BUT he fakes concern asks me what's wrong and then when I explain he tells me with a snotty tone "get over it! You should be grateful for everything you have! You have nothing to be crying about!" And I tell him that was mean and it makes me want to jump out of the car (not that I would but it made me FEEL like that) and he tells me to go ahead but be careful not to get in the way of that motorcyclist

I start hyperventilating crying and he tells me he's going to drop me off at the mental facility.

I say please do bc I need someone to comfort and help me and that I wish my partner was emotionally supportive. He says he has an art degree, not a psych

Also. Sex. Can't go without it for more than two days without him making toned statements about "oh I don't even remember what sex is like" but claims he would NEVER coerce me he's not that kind of guy.

I figured out that I love him like sugar tastes good but is probably worse for me than it seems.

But the kids. If we divorced they have no ties we have no obligations... They would never see each other again.

And he's really not THAT terrible of a guy..he has never hit me...he just has weird mental games he doesn't even realize...

So...? Your views is you will thank you?

[graystreet]

Welcome to Psych Central.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. First things first...do you have a therapist? I ask because it sounds like you're having a lot of distress, but it doesn't sound like you have a lot of support, which is hugely important. PC is a great resource, but definitely no substitute for professional therapy.

I don't know that I have a lot of advice as I'm just out of a tough relationship situation myself. The best thing I can tell you is that if someone is making you feel badly about yourself on a regular basis, it is not a healthy, loving situation. Yes, couples fight. Yes, they go through rough spots. Sure, sometimes people say things they don't mean. However, this goes beyond that. What you are describing is verbal and emotional abuse, and it is designed to make you feel worthless, confused, and to wear you down mentally. The other component is the bargaining: "He's not that bad," "If I leave, the kids won't see each other." But, if you stay, it's not likely to get better, and if you stay, the kids will see him treating you in this manner, and will learn that it's okay behavior in a relationship.

The fact that you are here means you know, in your gut, that something isn't right. I did the same thing before things in my relationship ended...posting about his behavior, trying to gain support for the rationalizing I was doing in my mind.

[healingme4me]

Welcome to PC.

I'm sorry to hear about your parents. What happened?

Your mention of wanting to come off of hormonal birth control reminds me of a thought I had after my first child. I was miserable in my marriage and the life we were leading and pointed the finger at that as opposed to working on myself, my people pleasing, stuffing down my emotions, purpose-less driven life feeling that I was grappling with. Disappointment with my own life. Fretting over how nothing was turning out how I ever imagined.

I'm not implying that's what drives that decision. I am seeing words and expressions around that that brought that to mind. Grief and mourning can last a lifetime and can seep into day to day living in most unsuspecting ways wreaking its own havoc at inopportune times.

[eskielover]

Emotional neglect & emotional abuse is just as much abuse as hitting someone.

Also he may not know how to deal eith yoyr emotiknal reactions to things & may react very negatively be suse he diesn't know how to reach & never learned how tobdeal with it appropriately.

Just a few thoughts.

Relationships are never easy.

Yes, this does sound emotionally and psychologically abusive. Withholding affection and love like that is a form of abuse. Guilt tripping you into sex and making those types of negative comments is abusive. Not being supportive of your feelings and telling you to just get over it is a form of abuse. Whenever you find someone has a jekyll and hyde personality, it an abusive personality.

Frankly, I would start thinking seriously about leaving the relationship. As said above, it is not healthy for you or for the children. Abusive people do not change.

[scatteredcattle]

I appreciate everyone's thoughts greatly. I agree and have tried to communicate this emotional neglect to him and his automatic response is to throw something back he knows will bother me somehow, even if it's not really related. Today I left a note which I thought would be non-threatening enough since I'm not crying or yelling in it...and also a printout of a psych central article about emotional neglect and abuse. My note tactfully stated that since he has outright told me that "didn't do anything" and that my problems are my own and have nothing to do with me, I felt I should explain or it would never get any better.

He wrote all over it marking out words changing pronouns to point at me, and called me a liar about something I clearly remember and have confirmed with someone else. Also wrote "Passive Aggressive Narcissism" big across it.

He keeps making his case worse. Then later after a failed attempt at communication (he yelled about how I always chase him off yelling) he put a cute shaped carrot on my work desk and told me to "please accept this as a peace offering"

And it's supposed to all be fine now. He went to bed without anything else and when I asked about talking he said there's no solution to no problem.

My parents...separated when I was 12 and I agree, it's often worse to stay together "for the kids"..
My mom died 6 years ago of multiple cancers. Too poor to get help until it was too late
My father had years previously had broken his hip but was too poor to have it set properly and then had a stroke. He had trouble eating too fast because of it. His hip hurt too much and he went in for a replacement and next morning was unattended with his oatmeal and choked on it and died.

I don't have a therapist. I need one. I can't afford it. My state doesn't cover mental health services as far as I know. Florida.

[eskielover]

When you get to the point you can't tolerate the abuse any longer you will leave but sometimes that ends up when we hit bottom.

By the time I left my H, he was causing me to feel anger to the point I was literally seeing red when I was dealing with him. I thought that was just a saying until I actuallt experienced it.

Maybe you could find sliding scale payment therapy. That might help. However none of the therapy I had when I was still in the marriage helped because I was in such a bad & trapped place I saw no way out & no therapy could help in tbe situation I was trapped in. I only got good therapy once I was free from him & was in a mental state to be able to be helped