Parent Disapproval

Hello,

I see this as a common issue among many users but my mother disapproves of my current boyfriend. When I first began our relationship I was hesitant to tell her as it made me sick just thinking about addressing it. As assumed it went about as well as I thought. I told her confidently that I was dating him and her response was “Are you sure it’s not because he is just there?” (Insinuating that maybe I’m just bored and wanted to date someone). She had never met him personally prior to me telling her this so she had to be judging him off pure appearance alone.

I’ve only dated one guy prior to this relationship and it lasted three years. I did not begin to like my current boyfriend until over two years later. When I date I look for someone I can see having a life with. My previous partner was very much a child and did not want to accept the responsibilities of a mature relationship (which ended in us separating). He was selfish with his time and very focused on what he wanted to do (play games, stream live) and rarely ever took interest in things I liked to do or supported me in my life choices. Despite this, my mother was much more accepting as opposed to my current partner. I can barely bring him up in small casual conversation without getting a disapproving look or negative comment regarding his personality or why I’m with him.

I admire my mother. She has raised two daughters practically on her own. She is strong, independent, and caring. She is also in her late 40s (menopausal), kids are grown, and she suffers from depression. I take into consideration all these aspects but the lack of support from her in regards to my relationship takes a toll on me emotionally.

I currently live in her residence, I work part-time to pay my bills (car/medical etc) and am working in receiving my Bachelors in Elementary Education. I would love to move out into my own place but it is not feasible at the moment. I tell my self to ignore her negativity and keep pushing through until I can get a steady enough income to move out. I think one of the contributors that makes it so hard is because I currently live with her. Barely mentioning my boyfriends name is enough to receive a glare. I don’t relay this information to my boyfriend and I try to offer opportunities for her to get to know him better but she just has such a strong discontent with him. I feel highly uncomfortable just having him in the house.

My boyfriend is 32 and I’m 25, so I acknowledge the seven year age gap. My boyfriend is also African American, and while my mother argues otherwise, I do believe this may be a factor (though not the major focus). He is exmilitary and lives about two hours away. He focuses on his day-to-day; and with my job/school I do the same. We support each other in our choices, when we are with each other we are happy, and we have engaging conversation and similar interest. He acknowledges my goals and pushes me to do better. We have only been dating 8 months now and it’s been great; I can definitely see myself with him but I’m not jumping to the idea of marriage or anything (it’s too soon).

My mother has expressed to me that she feels he will hold me back, essentially stating he is not good enough. He was in the military for several years and since retired he has had jobs such as Walmart, Postal Service, and GameStop. While I understand these are not ideal career options I don’t think someone should be looked down on for doing so. He pays his bills, has a house, a car and is responsible (he is 32 he ought to be). The thing is in the 8 months we’ve been together he has been nothing but supportive and has never got in the way of me and school. In fact, he gets on me when I miss a class or will even cancel plans/reschedule if he knows I have work I need to get done. I told her he wouldn’t hold me back and actually pushes me to do more and work harder, but it doesn’t really matter what I say. My mother is very strong-willed, if her mind is set it’s like trying to talk to a brick wall.

In addition my mother also dislikes his attitude; my boyfriend is one of those people who acts like a know-it-all at times and this gets under my moms skin (which is understandable). We differ on this aspect, though his demeanor is cocky at times it’s stimulating conversation to challenge it and often times I end up learning something or he does. It doesn’t seem like a negative to me (now that I mention this I also have a best friend who exhibits that same kind of behavior and my mom isn’t too keen of her, but she’s been there for me almost 11 Years now) My mom has a “it’s my way, or the highway” kind of attitude and it’s a lot to take sometimes especially in regard to my relationship.

I feel I already know the advice: just do what makes you happy (so long as no one is getting hurt). My mother means so much to me, as does my family, and I hate not having their support...but it is my life I’m living, not theirs. Regardless the overall outcome of my situation I hope I can filter out the negativity and be happy with the decisions I make.

I’d love any additional advice; or if someone feels differently (it’s refreshing to have an audience who isn’t bias toward the situation). It felt relieving to write all this down since I really have no one I can turn to on the subject.

I have never been in a similar situation, so it's hard to think of any advice. You seem to be doing a good job. Not blaming anyone, trying to view everything from different perspectives.

Have you directly talked to your mother about this? At least I can't recall you mentioning it.
What about your boyfriend? How does he like your mother?

Yes, I’ve told her how it makes me feel without trying to attack her on the subject. Emotionally it hurts but I acknowledge I cannot force someone to like another person. She tells me “I feel the way I feel and I’m sorry it bothers you but you will just have to ignore me.” and I suppose she is right seeing as she probably won’t change her mind on the matter. It’s not so much her not liking him as it is the negativity that happens even when his name is brought up. When I tell her it hurts and it’s awkward even having him around because of tension she says it is because I make it awkward. My mother is civil around my boyfriend, she isn’t hateful or confrontational with him so I appreciate that but knowing how much she dislikes him makes it hard to just think “everything’s ok.” My boyfriend has no strong opinions on my mother ( I do not relay what she thinks of him because that would do nothing but anger/upset him; as it would with anyone). They haven’t had time to get to know each other but my boyfriend is rather introverted and my mother doesn’t even like the idea. (For example: just recently I asked my mom if she would like to attend an Event in DC. I asked my boyfriend as well and confronted her about us all going. She frowned a bit and said “I would enjoy that but if you already asked ____ that is ok. You don’t have to feel guilty going with him.” .....except that wasn’t the point. The point was to have a good time in an open environment so we could all mingle/hangout and now I do feel guilty because she said she would like to go but since he’s going she’d rather not). It’s just an overall emotionally stressful situation. I know it’s in my best interest to ignore her opinion on him and do what makes me happy but it’s just such a strong feeling to fight when my mother has played such a huge role in my character/upbringing. Thank you for your response by the way; I know it was quite the long read.

A shame your mother acts and behaves this way. My mother always did. Of course though, her indicator of a likeable fellow was based on his table manners. Yes, it really was.

Consider this that the more you dig in your heels the stronger her reaction is going to be. So, if you can, let her protesting go in one ear and out the other. Figure out for yourself the suitability of this man you have chosen to devote time to in your life.

Yes, well my mom is sort of the same. While she doesn’t ridicule his table manners (though if given the chance I feel she would) he was talking to me and cussed after a frustrating day at work and she just thought it was the rudest thing. I understand it’s not polite... but it’s just a word (he is also 32!?) so I don’t see the big deal. You are right though, trying to get her to like him seems like a lost cause and the more I mention him the more I want away from her. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom but sometimes her opinions are so strong that they hard to take (especially when it involves me personally). Thank you for your response; sorry you’ve experienced a similar situation. I know it is not pleasant to deal with.