Thanksgiving morning I arrived at the restaurant where my family had reservations for dinner. Some of the party had already arrived and were sitting in the lobby area. I hung up my coat and went to join them.

Several family members who I have just about no relationship with (aunt, uncle, 2 cousins) all got up to greet me and give me a hug. My brother on the other hand (who I also have just about no relationship with) sat drinking his beer and gave me no acknowledgement.

Although this was not surprising behavior from him, it was still hurtful.

My brother is 6 years younger than I am. Like I said, we have no relationship so it's not good or bad. It just doesn't exist. When he was 12 and I 18 I moved out to attend college, so I feel like I have missed most of his life. From my point of view, he went from diapers to driving overnight. It still doesn't feel right for me to see him driving or legally drinking a beer.

Our lack of relationship used to bother me quite a bit. I was constantly making efforts to reach out to him but never received much of a response. Eventually I just decided the ball is in his court. If he wants a sister he can come get me. So I don't spend hours worrying about him anymore, but when a bunch of other people I barely know greet me with a hug and my own brother doesn't it still hurts.

[Perna]

That is hurtful of your brother not to acknowledge you like that. One of my brothers, the one closest to me in age is 2 years older than I am and we were once in the same high school. We were at a football game and I went up to him to borrow money to get a drink or something and he gave it to me but the girl he was with said, "Pat, I didn't know you had a sister!" almost in pleasure, like I was a welcome surprise. But then my brother said, "Well, I don't publicize the fact." So much for being a pleasant surprise :-)

I find your title an indication of the conflict within you. The rejection by your brother and the hurt it causes but the sibling-like "retaliation" too. It could be that you, being so much older and not seeming to take much interest in him growing up have in some way shown those mixed feelings and he's reading them. You expect to be rejected by your brother and are hurt at that but he might be feeling the same things? He is younger too so it could be harder for him to approach "big sis" who's "ahead" of him and he might resent that and be showing it. With the story you have told here, you didn't "need" the "said sarcastically" in your title, we would have gathered that from the story itself. He may be showing his hurt by not only not greeting you but by going even further and totally ignoring you.

Were I you, I'd go hug him or at least stick out your hand to shake his next time you see him (Christmas?) and then say something conversational like "How's life treating you?" to gauge his response and feelings about you. Do you have any fun/"fond"/sarcastic memories of him at all? My brother I mention above use to say he was getting me "a box of Kleenex" (or napkins, whichever you prefer :-) for my Christmas present when we were younger. It's conceivable, if I saw him for Christmas I'd wrap a box of Kleenex just as a "connection" that we would both "get" and go from there.

My brother lives in Hawaii and I live in Maryland. When my stepsister and I broke up my stepmother's house back in 1998 or so, there was a small table my father made when we were about 6 and 8, out of a baseball bat :-) He made a round base, cut the baseball bat "ends" off and fixed them to the base and another round top, slightly larger and my stepmother painted the whole thing black. It was to go next to a chair in the living room so people would have a place to put their drink. It was a simple thing but enchanting, as you can imagine, to we children; it still had the "markings" in the side of the bat telling what kind, weight, etc. Here was a baseball bat made into a table :-) Anyway, when my stepsister and I broke up my stepmother's house I took the table and mailed it to my brother in Hawaii (since it didn't weigh much) as he had been rejecting his childhood completely for many years (would not accept any silver or other family heirlooms, etc.) but I still wanted him to have something, preferably something I didn't think he'd "mind" so much and of which he would only have fond memories (and which was made by our father from a "boy" product) and was "practical" to him. That worked and he even thanked me for it :-)

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Perna said:
Were I you, I'd go hug him or at least stick out your hand to shake his next time you see him (Christmas?) and then say something conversational like "How's life treating you?" to gauge his response and feelings about you. Do you have any fun/"fond"/sarcastic memories of him at all?

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I didn't hug him, but I sat down across from him and asked, 'hey, how are things?' I received the usual groan I get from him, and then he said 'okay.' I'm not quite convinced this is something personal.

I know what it was like growing up that household, and I believe while I probably have a mental illness for genetic reasons I also believe they surfaced when/how they did because of the way I was raised. It is quite possible my brother deals with some issues himself, but I probably will never know. It was a household of emotional abuse.

As far as fond memories, maybe a few but not many. We are 6 years apart and as children that is a huge difference. I don't recall ever having a bad relationship with him, but I remember just being 2 different kids doing our own thing. Then I was out of the house before he even became a teenager.

I appreciate your thoughtful reply!

[Perna]

If it's not personal it might be easier to ignore the hurt at not being greeted and concentrate on building a new relationship from scratch. My oldest brother is 9 years older than I am and he and I are friends (now that our abusive stepmother is dead). I have found that it gets harder as one gets older, friends come and go and are at a distance so one wants to try to hang on to siblings better as they're one of the few connections left to one's youth. It feels so odd and lonely when the parents die and one is an "orphan", doesn't matter what age one is or even how "bad" one's childhood was because it was still what it was and "ours" and a confirmation of sorts of who we have become and "why". Sounds like your brother had problems too and maybe could use some more, warm, attempts at connection still/again. There might be somebody delightful buried underneath his shell that would be a boon to you too :-)

[sabby]

(((((((((((( Airway ))))))))))))

I understand how you feel here about your brother. I too have a brother that is 4 years younger than I and we don't have contact on a regular basis. The only time I see him is at family functions and even then...I don't necessarily look forward to seeing him. It's not that he's a bad guy, we just don't have anything at all in common. He seems to take after my father's side of the family with the "holier than thou" attitude and that he is something special. Yeah right

It does hurt that there is no contact. Both our parents are gone and we are the only ones left and there is nothing there holding us together. I miss my nephews and they are growing up behind my back. My daughters miss their uncle and cousins, yet at the same time, when we talk about David, there is much hurt and pain for them and myself.

When we do have contact, it's always about HIM. What he is doing for work, what new gadgets he has bought, his new house etc etc etc. He never asks me about my life, he never asks me how I am. Bah....to hell with him....I don't wish him anything bad, I just wish I didn't have to see him again.

Hugsss
sabby

[Abby]

Hey Airways

Sorry i know this is a bit late but i have a few thoughts from the younger perspective. This is only from my experience, so i do not wish to make any assumptions or say the wrong thing and i apologise if i do!

I have an older sister who is 4yrs ahead of me. It isn't masses but she left for uni when i had just turned 14yrs (and i was a horrid teenager!). All she really remembered of me was that awful teenager, and i felt she acted towards me, when she returned, in the same way as she did when she last lived with us. Since moving to uni myself i have come to understand how difficult it may have been for her to come back to a family that has changed quite a lot during her time away, but at the time i just felt as if i couldn't break out and be the person i was 'now' in front of her (because of her assumptions).

For the last few years i haven't really had that much of a relationship with her. I have 2 other sisters (one even lives in the same city as me) and i get on really well with both of them, so i do feel it is a shame to not have the same friendship with her. But for a long while even though i knew she was trying to be friends with me and find out more about me, i actually resisted it because i was just finding my feet and to be perfectly selfishly honest - i had other things that were more important to me at the time! I just felt uneasy around her because i felt i reversed into that surly 14yr old.

Having said all that she never stopped trying, bless her, and i am very grateful for that. One time when she phoned me, i was depressed and had to say i could not talk and do you know what she did?? - she sent me a care package! A week later she phoned simply to say that even though we don't get on that well, and we don't know each other very much, she was always here for me as a sister.

Do you know what? The next time i was crying alone i found I was actually able to call her!

I'm not sure what point i was trying to make is...maybe that sometimes us young'uns don't really understand what things mean and how to react because we're not actually experienced and we're just a few steps behind. As i get older - i'm really starting to truly appreciate that she never gave up on me. But also that i am gaining the confidence to reveal the 'new' me.