How do you know if your standing up for the right thing....

If it goes against everything that is seen as right? Continuing from my very first post, my mother and I do not speak. In the last 3 years we have tried to reconnect twice and each time similar destructive patterns have resurfaced.

My mom has hurt me in a very deep way, at a time where tragedy was already prominent in my life. Since then, my mom instead of acknowledging that pain will instead contact me and try and talk about other things. She will care enough to want me in her life, but not enough to deal with the scars in a healthy way. This has caused me time and time again to feel dismissed, disrespected, not accepted or worthy of love. I have practically laid out to my mom what to do to fix things, but she wont even acknowledge.

Example: Today my mom sends me a text in reference to my deceased Boyfriends mail from 3 years ago. Apparently she received a new piece of mail. Now he has been gone 3 years, any mail coming through still has no importance and should just be forwarded back. Frankly, it has nothing to do with me yet she texts me to bring up maybe giving it to his mother, in which I also have not spoken with. This is not the first conversation on this either. The last conversation I stated to just have any future mail sent back to the sender.

I feel this is her way of wiggling back in to spark up conversation about anything and everything to just throw things under the rug and act like nothing happened. Yet everytime this happens, I find myself being extremely angry at her. To me it feels like a slap to my face. Instead of initiating a conversation where we sit down and face our issues, I get the complete dismissal of how I feel.

I write this, because I need advice. I have tried so many time to voice my feelings, they have all been ignored. She wants a relationship without having to actual consider any feelings but her own. The only thing that I know to do at this point is to remain distant as things seem too unhealthy. Readers what do I do?

Sounds like you want atonement for what she has done and she doesn't atone just talks about other things?

Being emotionally detached might be one way. No contact another. Can a counseling session where she joins you be possible?

What is your ideal with her if you were to proceed with a relationship? If she were to atone, then what would the ideal be?

I more then anything desire to have a healthy relationship with my mom. I was really close to her when I was little. In some respects I admire her strength and everything she sacrificed for me and my brother. However, there is this other side that is toxic and unstable and I find myself not feeling good around her at all. 3 yrs ago, my father died from an overdose, my grandmother passed and boyfriend died from an overdose in the same year. My mom had a very unhealthy relationship with my grandma that passed, since that passing she has even more so been detached. She started treating me differently and during that time things were very hard for me and I did not have my mom there for emotional support. I had for awhile put myself into grief counseling, and even mentioned counseling to her as well and she doesn't even acknowledge my words, feelings nothing. I'm mad and hurt that I did not have my mom to give support through a very dark time.

Her way of dealing is to just act like nothing happened and get over it. For me, I can't ignore how hurt I feel anymore or have others do the same to me. To ignore and just push it away like she wants to do makes me feel like I'm putting myself into a pattern to be treated a certain way again. So I have kept my distance in hopes that one day she wants to work on having a healthier relationship with me. The way things are now I can't go back to the same patterns, I'm so different from who I was after experiencing what I have. However, it's a deep pain not having my mom in my life. I struggle so much with this and there is so much more to say on it but I don't want to overload.

Doesn't sound like she recovered from losing her husband and her mom so close together. Doesn't excuse her from any rifts between you, as her recovery and/or coping with grief is her responsibility. It was her choice not to seek counseling and/or support. After all that you've lost, it's certainly like losing her at the same time.

It's ok to be angry with her. Knowing myself, I'd be angry and hurt, too in such a scenario.

With my mom and dad they were divorced but she did feel loss with his passing. It's loss all around that should of brought everyone closer together, yet instead ripped us apart. I do feel like I lost both parents and it's a scary feeling.

It seems like the one who needs to change is mostly your mother, here.

Sadly I'm not sure she can or even wants to. She is very set in her ways. Sometimes I think in order to have her in my life I would have to go back to being in the same situation. I hope I am wrong and one day it can all work out.