Goodbye to Toxic Relationships

Writing a letter is a good way to "list" one's grievances in what they experienced in a relationship that turned toxic for them. It allows a person to identify the interactions that brought them hurt and grief and anger and disappointments.

I have written a few letters myself, but I did not send them. I have sent angry texts or emails, but, the responses I received where always dismissive, critical, condescending and did nothing to validate the other person's behaviors towards me that were toxic, dysfunctional, and dismissive and even controlling and invalidating.

I thought to myself that in order to write a letter I "could" actually send, I have to be able to do it without expressing anger and blaming at the other person. I had gotten to a point where one day I felt I could write a letter without the "anger and blame" directed at the other person. I sat all day and wrote a rather long letter. I still did not send it, yet, it was an improvement where I was better able to identify toxic and dysfunctional situations where this other person's behaviors towards me were very unhealthy to the point where the behavior this other person displayed actually traumatized me. In this particular situation I happened to be visiting my mother when she experienced a stroke in front of me. I had never witnessed that before and it frightened me. I had gotten her to an ER and suddenly my older sister came through the doors and right away was "angry" and directed all her anger at me and even blamed me for causing my mother to have this stroke. She was so angry and mean towards me everyone in that ER waiting room was staring at us, it was so embarrassing. It was scary enough to witness my mother experiencing a stroke, but to have a presence come at me and attack me and blame me for making that happen, really traumatized me even more. That was about 9 years ago and my sister NEVER apologized for raging at me that day and blaming me for something I genuinely did not "make" happen. My sister has directed her anger and accusations at me several times since then and she can get bossy and mean and very controlling. I have to say that I can't even be around her without getting triggered badly so because she has moved both my parents in to live with her, I have not been able to visit them. Even trying to call them is met with my sister "lecturing me" and if I don't sit and listen to her lecture the right way she has actually yelled F you and hung up on me. So, even just being able to call and talk to my parents has gotten to a point where I don't do it because of having to deal with my sister and whatever her mood at the time happens to be.

Yes, I wrote a letter and did not send it, I doubt that I would EVER get a "healthy" response, unless of course my letter was focused on "her and validating her". I have noticed that is pretty much the only time she is genuinely receptive. I don't believe I will ever truly get the validation and closure I need from her. Instead, that will have to occur within "myself" and that's not "easy" depending on how toxic or dysfunctional another individual's behaviors are.

The "healing" and gaining has to take place in "you" golden_eye and finding your way to identify what was toxic about this other person and what you can learn from it for yourself, including the ways you engaged it only to be hurt and disappointed yet again. Truth is, a person can behave in toxic and dysfunctional ways that can most definitely be hurtful, often these individuals will refuse to take responsibility for these toxic behaviors as well no matter how many ways you try to communicate with them so they might recognize the things they do and say that are dysfunctional and hurtful. This is something that most definitely has to be "grieved" within self, especially when you wanted to love and be loved in a "healthy" way. And getting to a point where you can make some kind of inner peace with whatever it is can be quite the challenge too.