[ohmydaisy]

I've described this feeling as weird, but with some insight, have found that it's jealousy. My current partner was previously engaged, but died. He's gone through therapy and has dealt with that a few years ago. But I feel strange when he talks about her. I don't get angry or upset in any way, and I'm glad he's able to talk to me freely about her from time to time. It's not usually out of the blue, but it relates to whatever conversation we're having. But it makes me feel strange.

I wonder if we'd have our relationship if she miraculously came back to life. And that's a horrible thought. But I don't know what to make of it. And I can't really talk to anyone else about it.

Thoughts?

[AspiringAuthor]

It seems like a completely normal feeling - you wonder whether you are his best choice or whether you would come in second in a competition. I wonder, if you let yourself feel the feeling without trying to suppress it, or even reflect on it, if it would eventually dissipate.

This happened to me. We met at grief support group, so both of us had a spouse die at about the same time.

He did that too. I did at first but didn’t feel the need after a while. He never stopped and if anything it got worse.

He was one of those types that was extremely intelligent offset by a lot of incompetence elsewhere. He made a lot of mistakes and I busted him.

The reason he did so much talking about the deceased spouse was a deep dissatisfaction about how I was so unlike her.

I caught him in a lie, and the more he tried to defend it, the more pathetic and ridiculous it became.

There were other problems.

I dumped him.

Anyway, I don’t know if your situation is like mine. Give it time and you will figure it out.

[ohmydaisy]

Originally Posted by AspiringAuthor

It seems like a completely normal feeling - you wonder whether you are his best choice or whether you would come in second in a competition. I wonder, if you let yourself feel the feeling without trying to suppress it, or even reflect on it, if it would eventually dissipate.

It's a mixture of feelings. I lost a brother a couple of years ago, and I think he's only trying to relate through his own experience, from his ex-fiance passing. I'm grateful that he shares and has empathy towards some of what I'm going through, but at the same time, it's weird and difficult to sit through when he speaks of her. I'm composed when he shares his grief process as he's trying to relate to mine. I may have to sit and reflect on it some more. Thank you for your response.

[ohmydaisy]

Originally Posted by key tones

This happened to me. We met at grief support group, so both of us had a spouse die at about the same time.

He did that too. I did at first but didn’t feel the need after a while. He never stopped and if anything it got worse.

He was one of those types that was extremely intelligent offset by a lot of incompetence elsewhere. He made a lot of mistakes and I busted him.

The reason he did so much talking about the deceased spouse was a deep dissatisfaction about how I was so unlike her.

I caught him in a lie, and the more he tried to defend it, the more pathetic and ridiculous it became.

There were other problems.

I dumped him.

Anyway, I don’t know if your situation is like mine. Give it time and you will figure it out.

I'm sorry that had happened to you. It makes me wonder about my situation for sure. My partner only brings up his deceased ex-fiance when trying to relate to me when I speak of my grief about my brother that I lost almost 2 years ago.

I have asked him if he misses the life he had--the excitement and thrills. He admitted that he did, but also that it was so turbulent and he has what he's always wanted in a relationship now, the stability. But I fear that I may be too boring for him or don't have as much mental stimulation that his ex-fiance gave him.

Thank you for sharing.

[melangey]

I think it's totally fine - just depends on what he's saying.

He's not comparing you to her, is he? Tell him how that makes you feel. Try to remain calm.

In fact, it is OK to tell him that it makes you feel bad. Don't use the word "jealous" because that does have negative connotations. Just explain that it's no different than talking about one of his living/available exes. That "x-factor" often makes someone feel inadequate or second best.

Most of us have (or will) had many relationships and it's never tactful for your partner to go on and on and on about exes.

Try to ASK instead of ACCUSE. He may not realize he's doing it. Or he may think you're ok with it. But encourage him to seek counseling and remind him that YOU are his partner and not his therapist and that it's affecting you.

Good luck.

[ChristopherSutton]

Originally Posted by ohmydaisy

I've described this feeling as weird, but with some insight, have found that it's jealousy. My current partner was previously engaged, but died. He's gone through therapy and has dealt with that a few years ago. But I feel strange when he talks about her. I don't get angry or upset in any way, and I'm glad he's able to talk to me freely about her from time to time. It's not usually out of the blue, but it relates to whatever conversation we're having. But it makes me feel strange.

I wonder if we'd have our relationship if she miraculously came back to life. And that's a horrible thought. But I don't know what to make of it. And I can't really talk to anyone else about it.

Thoughts?

You need to calm down. This is the experience of the loss of a loved one. I can understand that.

[ohmydaisy]

Originally Posted by melangey

I think it's totally fine - just depends on what he's saying.

He's not comparing you to her, is he? Tell him how that makes you feel. Try to remain calm.

In fact, it is OK to tell him that it makes you feel bad. Don't use the word "jealous" because that does have negative connotations. Just explain that it's no different than talking about one of his living/available exes. That "x-factor" often makes someone feel inadequate or second best.

Most of us have (or will) had many relationships and it's never tactful for your partner to go on and on and on about exes.

Try to ASK instead of ACCUSE. He may not realize he's doing it. Or he may think you're ok with it. But encourage him to seek counseling and remind him that YOU are his partner and not his therapist and that it's affecting you.

Good luck.

It's in relation to my grief. I lost a brother and he's trying to connect to me through his grief of his ex-fiance. It's not completely out of the blue. But, our grief is different.

He recently wrote and read something aloud to me. It was to help me write my letter to my brother that passed, but it didn't really sit well with me. It just made me wonder if he thinks of her often when he and I are together (there was a part in his writing talking about being with me and yet he's reminded of her).

But you're right, I should talk to him about it. I just don't know how to bring it up or if it's not something I should address at all.