[Skull&Crossbones]

This is sort of a rant since I don't know if anything can be done...

My boyfriend more or less told me that if he had gotten the job that he interviewed at recently, he would have married me and would have used his benefits to pay for my education to get a better job. Of course, he loses it apparently to some relative nobody with no real world experience.

He's applied to every relevant job in the country but hasn't been able to get a full time permanent job. This is unfortunately common for what he wants to do. I don't make enough at this point to support two people and I need to go back to school to be able to do that so we could have another couple years before we could afford to move our relationship forward.

The reason this is hitting me harder is I found out today that yet another one of my coworkers is engaged and getting married. Another coworker had a baby earlier this year. I want to have the choice whether I have children or not, but I may be too old at that point...

It's just worse because we've been in therapy to address each of our baggage and the communication issues that have arisen because of it and have a strong and healthy relationship that keeps improving with each therapy session. I would even say that our relationship is more or less like other people's ideal relationships described on here (yes, I read more than I post, sorry). But no, we can't move forward because of economic reasons.

I just hope that no one judges me or tells me to go marry someone with money instead. My mom did that and that was the only positive about him. He will have quite a bit of money when he lands a permanent full time job. It's just very difficult to get the first job.

[SorryShaped]

I'm only going to say this bit,
Love and understanding matter more than any amount of money or status. Marriage is not that important. Definitely wait for the money before the kids.

[twilliamsjr79]

I dont understand why the job is do important before yall get married. People all over the world get married without a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. Love is love and waiting for the right income is just delaying yalls happiness in being married. What if sometbing happened like he gets sick or dies befor he gets the job? I just lost a friend at 35 years old due to a massive heart attack. Life is short Do what makes you happy and dont delay on what you want. Also stop worrying about what others have or doing. That will just upset u more

[Skull&Crossbones]

Well, I do want to live with him and not have to worry about when I'll see him next (we don't live in the same city). Marriage is important so we'll both be more comfortable co-habitating and I want to officially be part of his family especially since I don't have much of one myself. And then there's the practical sharing of insurance and benefits if we were to get married. I understand marriage status isn't so important to other people, but it is to me for sure.

And of course we would wait for more money to have kids. I may be female, but my desire to have children doesn't override logic.

[Skull&Crossbones]

Originally Posted by twilliamsjr79

I dont understand why the job is do important before yall get married. People all over the world get married without a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. Love is love and waiting for the right income is just delaying yalls happiness in being married. What if sometbing happened like he gets sick or dies befor he gets the job? I just lost a friend at 35 years old due to a massive heart attack. Life is short Do what makes you happy and dont delay on what you want. Also stop worrying about what others have or doing. That will just upset u more

If I'm going back to school to get a better job, I will be concerned about paying for myself let alone another person. He's not sure what to do in the interim because he doesn't feel like he has many other job skills and he has to work around the part time hours he has as an adjunct professor (he's trying to become a full time professor but there's only so many openings for his expertise). The only other job he feels comfortable doing involves him going overseas and that would mean he would lose his adjunct position which would make it even harder to get a full time job. Basically, he needs a temporary one year position but then we'll live in two different states. Or get another job in a different field, but he'll hate it and be stressed over it and that would be hard to live with.

He wants a two bedroom apartment so he can have his own space. Which I understand...I'm clingy and he needs it for his own mental health. But, I can barely afford a one bedroom with a full time job and I'll lose that to become a full time student again. And then there would be the issue of paying for his cat (that would raise my rent) plus space for his things.

And if he dies before he gets the job? Well, there's nothing I can do about it if that happens. It would be sad, but I would move on in some way. Maybe I would just "marry" my job. That's what I already do in order to not be so lonely.

It's not like I disagree with you, but it's not my decision.

[ohmydaisy]

Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones

This is sort of a rant since I don't know if anything can be done...

My boyfriend more or less told me that if he had gotten the job that he interviewed at recently, he would have married me and would have used his benefits to pay for my education to get a better job. Of course, he loses it apparently to some relative nobody with no real world experience.

He's applied to every relevant job in the country but hasn't been able to get a full time permanent job. This is unfortunately common for what he wants to do. I don't make enough at this point to support two people and I need to go back to school to be able to do that so we could have another couple years before we could afford to move our relationship forward.

The reason this is hitting me harder is I found out today that yet another one of my coworkers is engaged and getting married. Another coworker had a baby earlier this year. I want to have the choice whether I have children or not, but I may be too old at that point...

It's just worse because we've been in therapy to address each of our baggage and the communication issues that have arisen because of it and have a strong and healthy relationship that keeps improving with each therapy session. I would even say that our relationship is more or less like other people's ideal relationships described on here (yes, I read more than I post, sorry). But no, we can't move forward because of economic reasons.

I just hope that no one judges me or tells me to go marry someone with money instead. My mom did that and that was the only positive about him. He will have quite a bit of money when he lands a permanent full time job. It's just very difficult to get the first job.

Are you against living together prior to marriage? I think it would be beneficial to see your compatibility before committing like marriage.

But I understand what you mean... most of my friends are married, with children, buying their first home, etc. I decided to go back to school in my 30s and I'm in a healthy relationship. It's been about a year, but we've talked about moving in with one another prior to anything else. We've both talked about future stuff briefly, but agreed that there's no need to talk about it in depth and decided to take it one step at a time.

For myself personally though, I can't imagine relying heavily on a man to support me. I believe in meeting each other halfway. And if one is able to help the other for the time being, that's okay.

Is there a way for you to move forward without having the stress of relying on your partner?

[Skull&Crossbones]

Hold on...in most cases, he would be reliant on me. If he was able to (as in his hypothetical university was paying for it), what would be wrong with helping me with tuition? Or if I stick with the program I'm in now, sharing bills would take the pressure off from having to work more than I physically and mentally can while balancing with classes and working with after school programs at the high school I work at now which will help my resume. You know, so I could actually have time to sleep. Any way I do it, I'm either going to be dependent on someone, go into debt, or never sleep, burn out, and work myself to death.

And when I'm doing student teaching, I really can't work much because that's already a full time plus job. And since I don't get paid, why is it a crime to have someone to help me with that? Would it be better if my partner were a woman and it wouldn't have the stigma of "relying on a man"?

And yes, we are against living together unless we're at least engaged. He's leery about it before marriage, but there's probably a compromise to be made. I'm not necessarily against it, as we've been together almost four years, but it's not really my choice. If he says we're not ready, then we're not ready. I don't know anything.

[ohmydaisy]

Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones

Hold on...in most cases, he would be reliant on me. If he was able to (as in his hypothetical university was paying for it), what would be wrong with helping me with tuition? Or if I stick with the program I'm in now, sharing bills would take the pressure off from having to work more than I physically and mentally can while balancing with classes and working with after school programs at the high school I work at now which will help my resume. You know, so I could actually have time to sleep. Any way I do it, I'm either going to be dependent on someone, go into debt, or never sleep, burn out, and work myself to death.

And when I'm doing student teaching, I really can't work much because that's already a full time plus job. And since I don't get paid, why is it a crime to have someone to help me with that? Would it be better if my partner were a woman and it wouldn't have the stigma of "relying on a man"?

And yes, we are against living together unless we're at least engaged. He's leery about it before marriage, but there's probably a compromise to be made. I'm not necessarily against it, as we've been together almost four years, but it's not really my choice. If he says we're not ready, then we're not ready. I don't know anything.

I might have misinterpreted the original post at some point. Apologies if I offended.

I'm all for meeting one another halfway, doesn't matter the gender. Sharing bills would mean living together, wouldn't it? Money is usually a touchy thing and is difficult if both parties are struggling a bit. Is there a way where either of you can sacrifice something?

And that's okay if you're against living together before marriage. I was just curious is all.

At the end of the day, making a list out to see what you can do and how you both can contribute to make both lives easier might be a good idea.