[Rose76]

I need to vent.

Lately I've been doing good avoiding depression. My boyfriend is sicker, which has motivated me to keep my act together for his sake, so I can give him the care he needs. He's just been diagnosed with advanced cancer. This has caused me to rally my coping capacities. It's like I have a mission. I'm finding renewed motivation to be at my best.

He wants to go for some chemotherapy. We talked to the oncologist yesterday. He said it's too advanced for a cure, but some chemo might help him breathe easier. So my bf said he wants to try it. He;s supposed to get a chemo treatment on Thursday.

His adult children live on the other side of the country. Today his son called to tell me that he's coming out. He's worried that the chemo will make his father sick and ruin his opportunity to have some "quality time" with his dad. His dad has been in and out of hospitals very sick for a few years. He hasn't seen his father in at least 6 years. Today he tells me his heart is broken and how tragic this is going to be for him (the son.)

I was doing real well lately handling everything. Today I was too upset to eat all day.

[healingme4me]

((((Rose76)))) :'(

[divine1966]

If they live in the same country and aren’t really estranged, there is no excuse for never seeing their father. 6 years?

Sorry you are now dealing with his cancer. Hang in there rose

[Rose76]

Thank you for hugs above.

Yes, divine. It's hard for me to get worked up over how heartbreaking this is for a son who hasn't tried to see his dad in a good few years - easily 6 . . . or more. My boyfriend used to travel annually to visit his kids for 2 weeks every summer. Then they asked him to stop doing that. They said it was too much strain for my bf. They said they'ld come visit their dad instead. The son never did. But would keep promising his father.

I'm sick of them.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Thank you for hugs above.

Yes, divine. It's hard for me to get worked up over how heartbreaking this is for a son who hasn't tried to see his dad in a good few years - easily 6 . . . or more. My boyfriend used to travel annually to visit his kids for 2 weeks every summer. Then they asked him to stop doing that. They said it was too much strain for my bf. They said they'ld come visit their dad instead. The son never did. But would keep promising his father.

I'm sick of them.

Yes, I hear you on this son and his crocodile tears. I mean, if they were estranged I might have some sympathy, but it sounds like they just blew him off and wrote him off and now he's getting near end of life, and they act like they didn't have the chance to have time with him.

[*Laurie*]

That's a very sad situation. Some people simply don't realize that their parent is a fallible human being until the parent is severely ill and possibly dying. Actually, some people don't even deal with the reality of their parent having died until years after the fact.

[Rose76]

Yes, seesaw, thank you for understanding.

The son says that he doesn't want to come out here and see his father suffering. He says that would be "too heartbreaking" for him. He wants only "quality time" with his dad. He wants his father to be able to go out for dinner with him. The chemo might interfere with that.

Wait till he hears what the cough of a person with lung cancer sounds like. It's pretty awful and excruciating to listen to. I texted him that he might find his visit very upsetting. Bring on the violins. Christmas eve my bf waited for a call from his kids. None came. I had to go in the bedroom to cry. I felt so sorry for him.

[MickeyCheeky]

Life can be really unfair sometimes. Hang on, Rose

[Rose76]

Thank you. I go into these emotional tailspins, but I come out of them. Tomorrow I have to get things done and forget about the upsetting phone calls and text messages of Saturday morning.

[melangey]

I saw this happen with my relatives when my aunt got sick. I am sorry to say, his son probably wants money. Prepare yourself for that. And if he hints at a will (like my cousin did before my aunt was even dead) just remain calm. Dont react. I wanted to choke my cousin (she even asked my aunt if she could have her car) but the only persons that will hurt are your bf and you.

Immense hugs.

[continuosly blue]

Rose , my heart goes out to you It’s sickening how they all come out of the woodwork when the end could be near. You just do what you can to ease your bf’s pain. You just do what you can to ease your own pain. This is going to be a very rough time. You tell all the leeches and bu******* artists to just do what they want but pay them no mind. If your bf’s wishes are to see them than I guess you should honor those wishes. Just don’t bother with them yourself if you can avoid them.
When my time comes and it’s not quick , all the people that never bothered to see me during my life ,so called family , will surely not see me when I’m sick or dying. I’ll make sure of that. May God grant you the strength......

[katydid777]

Dear Rose, don't let your heart break over this, after all it is the son's loss. He will regret his decisions in the future. You are very strong, and your strength helps your BF to try to be strong also. What the important thing is, that the two of you are together, and your bond is stronger than any family could be! You are his rock, and he knows this. I send You, and your BF my Thoughts, and Prayers, and know we are all here for you!!!!!!! (((((((HUGS)))))))

[Wild Coyote]

(((((( Rose76 ))))))

The Serenity Prayer helps to keep me sane.

I am amazed by your strength and courage!

Thinking of you and your Beloved.


WC

[Rose76]

Thank you for the kind posts above. There is no money for anyone to get. My guy is a recovering alcoholic - sober for the last 21 years. When his marriage fell apart, he took to drinking heavily. He went through his pension funds and went in and out of homelessness. I met him during one of his brief stable intervals. By the time I realised how close to the edge of barely surviving he was, I had fallen for him. His family welcomed me. I guess they thought that being in a relationship might help stabilize him. But it didn't. So I broke up with him. But he would contact me when he was on the street and desperate. (He didn't want his kids to see him that way . . . . . . and that was fine with them.) I would help him get off the street. Eventually - after a few years - his sober periods got longer and he would stick with jobs longer. We became very close and, when I moved across the country, he came with me. He found low paying jobs and we didn't need much materially to be happy. I earned more than he did, but I didn't care about that. What did bother me was that he would relapse into drinking, which became too much of a strain on me. So, after 7 years, we separated, but remained friends. Eventually, for health reasons, he did completely stop drinking permanently. So we grew very close again, though we have maintained separate apartments. We each have the necessities of life, but there's no money in the bank. Neither of us has any assets. So there is nothing for anyone to inherit.

Lest anyone rush to the presumption that he was an abusive drunk to his family during his marriage, that was not the case, according to them. He had been a good provider, and his kids told me they had happy childhoods. The marriage lasted many years . . . and then it didn't. He completely fell apart, when his wife found someone else.

His kids wrote him off as a lost cause when his drinking led to homelessness. Then they got a lot friendlier when he got sober and maintained employment. They encouraged him to visit annually. Then his health deteriorated from a spinal problem and he had trouble walking, and they lost interest in having him visit. It probably got to be too much bother for them. As seesaw says above, "they wrote him off" . . . again. The son told me on the phone, 6 years ago, "He belongs in a nursing home."

Even before the recent cancer diagnosis, it was clear that he was coming to the end of his life. Over the past few years, he's been hospitalized over and over. When an elderly person starts getting pneumonia recurrently - 3 times in less than 6 months - and repeatedly gets admitted to ICU, they're not long for this world. His kids knew well and good that they were likely to get a call any day with news that he had passed away, even before the cancer diagnosis. So this sudden drama about how "heartbroken" they are at the shocking news that he's dying seems hollow to me.

This is no shock. I figured a bout of pneumonia, or a heart attack, or another stroke would take him before the year was out. I just hoped it would be a quick final illness. What is new and distressing is the increasing likelihood, with lung cancer, that his final days may be pretty awful. The coughing that comes with cancer is awful. One lung is already more than half shut down. That's what disturbs the son. He thought a phone call would come one day soon saying his dad had a sudden heart attack and was gone. He would have been fine with that. But imagining his father now slowly suffocating to death is disturbing to him. He doesn't want to think about his father going through a painful process of dying . . . and he sure doesn't want to witness it. Now that Dad is officially "terminal," he feels obligated to fly out and make an appearance. But he doesn't want his father to look all sick and pitiful when he gets here. "We'll all go out for a nice dinner." the son texts me. "I will be seeing him for the last time, unfortunately." the son texts me. He wants to get here and get away before his father's condition becomes truly unpleasant to behold. Seeing that would be too "heartbreaking" for him. I guess I'm supposed to be impressed at how deep a love he has that he can't bear to watch the end. His texts to me past two days were all about how hard this is for him.

Well, that's enough venting from me. I got so upset yesterday, I neglected things that need doing. I better catch up.

[Medusax]

This is too sad.....

[*Laurie*]

Rose, I'm going to be very honest. It sounds like the entire family had their fair share of serious challenges, all around. Perhaps if your bf's son did come to see his father it would put some long-standing issues in place. I witnessed my father die of lung cancer, and it was awful, yes. But the universe seemed to be at work in some strange way. Many old wounds were exposed and even healed by the time my father breathed his final breath.

[Rose76]

Probably the only one who will be with him when he breathes his last will be me.

I do think the universe is at work in all this. I try to think how my soul can grow and be formed by what I am experiencing in tending to the needs of this man who can not care for himself. He's needed so much help, even from the first year that I knew him.

My most important challenge now is to not let my heart be corroded by resentment. That's harder than any of the efforts I make to tend to my bf's physical needs.