Warning: this may be a trigger for anyone who has lost a parent or someone close to them.

I learned that my ex fiance's mother just passed away. He and I have not been in touch, but I learned through others.

I feel very sad for him, despite all the toxicity I endured with him. She was his last close relative in the family, besides his grandparents, with whom he lives. His mother wouldn't let him live with her when his grandma kicked him out last year & made him homeless, because of how manipulative and conniving he is. But he forgave his mother anyways, and continued a relationship with her. His mother was only 51 when she passed. Her life was cut very short. She wasn't that much older than me.

I feel an enormous amount of compassion all of a sudden due to this, but conflicted feelings as well because he was such a complete nightmare and abusive towards me.

WHY should I even care that much???? I cannot help but feel sadness and sorrow on his behalf though. I know how much he must be hurting. And despite all, I kind of feel bad for him.

Now, despite that, I am NOT going to reach out to him. He is far too toxic, and I won't let myself go down that road again.

Anyways, I am not really looking for advice or anything. I am just really more so writing this to express my sadness, and am wondering if it's strange to feel sadness for someone who abused you? I knew his mom a little bit and had talked at length with her a couple times on his behalf. It's all just very sad to me.

[crushed_soul]

I empathize, golden_eve. Especially since you requested, I am not attempting to offer advice or anything similarly. I would just be expressing humble thoughts apropos of your question, " I am just really more so writing this to express my sadness, and am wondering if it's strange to feel sadness for someone who abused you" if you are ok with that.

Originally Posted by crushed_soul

I empathize, golden_eve. Especially since you requested, I am not attempting to offer advice or anything similarly. I would just be expressing humble thoughts apropos of your question, " I am just really more so writing this to express my sadness, and am wondering if it's strange to feel sadness for someone who abused you" if you are ok with that.

Thank you very much, crushed_soul, and yes, that would be Ok for me.

[crushed_soul]

Don't mention it, and thank you for granting permission to me to reply to your question. I will try to do so concisely and with respect to you and the story that you've shared.

While I do not think that there is an objective "answer" to the question that you posed, you specifically stated "sadness." So, I will focus on sadness and your specific circumstances as you state them (as in how you are in the present while reflecting upon the past that consists of abuse, ex fiance and so forth.)

Although the feeling of sadness in the present for a person towards someone else, who abused that person in the past may seem strange, perhaps, the feeling is not strange because the person is empathetic to how ever a degree in the present (towards the other person,) the person appreciates in the present some aspect(s) of the past relationship and/or history with the person and/or the other, the person still has some emotional attachment (of how ever a degree, even if it is resignation about the past) towards that person, a combination of any of the three possibilities and/or other factors.

A relationship may be how ever complicated and/or complex (or not.) If abuse is an element of how ever a degree in the relationship, abuse causes (more) complication(s) and/or complexity to the relationship in general, even once the relationship is (for the most part or more) of the past and not of the present. (An example of such a claim is cognitive dissonance for possessing seemingly contradicting perspectives, emotions and so forth towards and/or about a person.)

Originally Posted by crushed_soul

Although the feeling of sadness in the present for a person towards someone else, who abused that person in the past may seem strange, perhaps, the feeling is not strange because the person is empathetic to how ever a degree in the present (towards the other person,) the person appreciates in the present some aspect(s) of the past relationship and/or history with the person and/or the other, the person still has some emotional attachment (of how ever a degree, even if it is resignation about the past) towards that person, a combination of any of the three possibilities and/or other factors.

A relationship may be how ever complicated and/or complex (or not.) If abuse is an element of how ever a degree in the relationship, abuse causes (more) complication(s) and/or complexity to the relationship in general, even once the relationship is (for the most part or more) of the past and not of the present. (An example of such a claim is cognitive dissonance for possessing seemingly contradicting perspectives, emotions and so forth towards and/or about a person.)

Thank you. I think it's simply the fact that I knew his mother somewhat, and in a deeper way because I talked to her in an effort to help her son and family. We talked about how problematic he is.

I don't still have feelings for him, but I kind of feel bad for him because he lost his only living relative left who cared for him. But feeling bad for him only goes so far because he was a complete as.s towards me. So there's that aspect too.

[MickeyCheeky]

I think it's perfectly normal, and it just proves you have compassion for other people - that said, you don't have to contact him if you don't want to. Just saying that I think what you're feeling right now is normal.

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I think it's perfectly normal, and it just proves you have compassion for other people - that said, you don't have to contact him if you don't want to. Just saying that I think what you're feeling right now is normal.

Thank you, Mickey! Much appreciated!

[Bill3]

I agree with Mickey. 😀

(((((golden eve)))))

(((((Mickey)))))

Thanks, Bill!

[crushed_soul]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Thank you. I think it's simply the fact that I knew his mother somewhat, and in a deeper way because I talked to her in an effort to help her son and family. We talked about how problematic he is.

I don't still have feelings for him, but I kind of feel bad for him because he lost his only living relative left who cared for him. But feeling bad for him only goes so far because he was a complete as.s towards me. So there's that aspect too.

Don't mention it.

I think that I understand what you are conveying in your statements, but it is possible that my understanding is how ever limited and/or that I am misunderstanding.

I was trying to think of possible causes to list for you to think about and decide for yourself (in an attempt to assist you to how ever a degree if such an act were not redundant.) Moreover, I would not attempt to decide for you in general and/or tell you how your perspective is, how your emotions are, why you have the perspective that you do, why your emotions are as they are and so on.

As you are indicating, "empathy"/"compassion" or how ever it might be labeled seems to be a/the main source of why you are feeling sad. Additionally, as you verified, in the present, you seemingly appreciate an aspect (e.g. his mom) of your history/relationship.

Just to clarify quickly, the last suggested factor was not necessarily still "having feelings" for him, but more of some attachment to him/the relationship (even if it is minuscule) while still acknowledging the rest of the content of the relationship (e.g. abuse) and acknowledging that the relationship is indeed in and of the past (and will stay there, unless you choose otherwise.)

Again, I wish for you to be well and empathize with you.

[HappyArizona]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Warning: this may be a trigger for anyone who has lost a parent or someone close to them.

I learned that my ex fiance's mother just passed away. He and I have not been in touch, but I learned through others.

I feel very sad for him, despite all the toxicity I endured with him. She was his last close relative in the family, besides his grandparents, with whom he lives. His mother wouldn't let him live with her when his grandma kicked him out last year & made him homeless, because of how manipulative and conniving he is. But he forgave his mother anyways, and continued a relationship with her. His mother was only 51 when she passed. Her life was cut very short. She wasn't that much older than me.

I feel an enormous amount of compassion all of a sudden due to this, but conflicted feelings as well because he was such a complete nightmare and abusive towards me.

WHY should I even care that much???? I cannot help but feel sadness and sorrow on his behalf though. I know how much he must be hurting. And despite all, I kind of feel bad for him.

Now, despite that, I am NOT going to reach out to him. He is far too toxic, and I won't let myself go down that road again.

Anyways, I am not really looking for advice or anything. I am just really more so writing this to express my sadness, and am wondering if it's strange to feel sadness for someone who abused you? I knew his mom a little bit and had talked at length with her a couple times on his behalf. It's all just very sad to me.

Hi--I am new to this, I don't even know if I am replying correctly and you will get this. I clicked on reply. . .! Anyway, when you care about somebody, and you know the abuse was a mental disease/disorder, how can you not feel for them? I am going through this right now. However, having a long distance relationship, (about a 4 1/2 hr drive), I only got the abuse part through messenger on Fb. Bizarre and making no sense. Did not know he was bipolar. Stress at work triggered it. I have worked in psych and am well aware of these things, how it works so I figured it out. Unlike you, I am very much in love with him. My only issue at this point is why did he not tell me when he seen where we were going? You are a caring person, his mother was a comfort /safe zone for him and now she is gone. You recognize that. Your feelings are normal, and I commend you for still caring after being abused.

Originally Posted by crushed_soul

Don't mention it.

I think that I understand what you are conveying in your statements, but it is possible that my understanding is how ever limited and/or that I am misunderstanding.

I was trying to think of possible causes to list for you to think about and decide for yourself (in an attempt to assist you to how ever a degree if such an act were not redundant.) Moreover, I would not attempt to decide for you in general and/or tell you how your perspective is, how your emotions are, why you have the perspective that you do, why your emotions are as they are and so on.

As you are indicating, "empathy"/"compassion" or how ever it might be labeled seems to be a/the main source of why you are feeling sad. Additionally, as you verified, in the present, you seemingly appreciate an aspect (e.g. his mom) of your history/relationship.

Just to clarify quickly, the last suggested factor was not necessarily still "having feelings" for him, but more of some attachment to him/the relationship (even if it is minuscule) while still acknowledging the rest of the content of the relationship (e.g. abuse) and acknowledging that the relationship is indeed in and of the past (and will stay there, unless you choose otherwise.)

Again, I wish for you to be well and empathize with you.

Thank you so much. And no worries. Your post didn't offend me whatsoever. Yes, I was reflecting upon my relationship(s) and felt sadness for him and his mother. But then all the anger came back and the issues I had with him, which makes me feel less compassion towards him. So it's mixed.

Originally Posted by HappyArizona

Hi--I am new to this, I don't even know if I am replying correctly and you will get this. I clicked on reply. . .! Anyway, when you care about somebody, and you know the abuse was a mental disease/disorder, how can you not feel for them? I am going through this right now. However, having a long distance relationship, (about a 4 1/2 hr drive), I only got the abuse part through messenger on Fb. Bizarre and making no sense. Did not know he was bipolar. Stress at work triggered it. I have worked in psych and am well aware of these things, how it works so I figured it out. Unlike you, I am very much in love with him. My only issue at this point is why did he not tell me when he seen where we were going? You are a caring person, his mother was a comfort /safe zone for him and now she is gone. You recognize that. Your feelings are normal, and I commend you for still caring after being abused.

Thank you...... I am sorry you're going through something similar. No matter what, an abusive relationship is never going to work and will only ruin your mental health. Even if you're still in love, try to disentangle yourself and stop asking why. People who are abusive do mean, nasty, hurtful and horrible things. They are not good people. A mental health disorder never excuses a person from their abuse. Abuse is abuse, and abusive people are BAD people. There is no excuse for it whatsoever.

which brings me to my current thoughts:

I was doing so well lately not thinking about him, then this had to come up, and now I am angry and upset all over again. I want to let this go.... again.

The only thing that helps is knowing I am in a far healthier and happier relationship now.

Why should I have that much compassion for someone who abused me, for someone who is total SCUM, and for someone who screwed me over royally????? It doesn't make sense. I don't think I feel as much compassion as I did initially.

[Bill3]

I still agree with Mickey.

Compassion is a wonderful trait and to have compassion in this situation, in my opinion, speaks very well of you.

Originally Posted by Bill3

I still agree with Mickey.

Compassion is a wonderful trait and to have compassion in this situation, in my opinion, speaks very well of you.

Thank you, Bill! Although in this particular case, I think it says I'm a total sucker. ARGH.

[divine1966]

its normal to feel some compassion over someone’s death even if you didn’t know the person (it’s probably fair to assume that you’ve never met her). But still it’s ok to feel compassion and shows that you are a kind person.

BUT you keep giving this guy too much space in your head. Again. Time to put this dude on a back burner. Let him go. You were broken up with him longer than you were with him. He is an adult and will manage. You take care of yourself please! Focus on your life

Originally Posted by divine1966

its normal to feel some compassion over someone’s death even if you didn’t know the person (it’s probably fair to assume that you’ve never met her). But still it’s ok to feel compassion and shows that you are a kind person.

BUT you keep giving this guy too much space in your head. Again. Time to put this dude on a back burner. Let him go. You were broken up with him longer than you were with him. He is an adult and will manage. You take care of yourself please! Focus on your life

Thanks, Divine! Agreed!