[benzenering]

My daughter is 25 years old. She is attending college away from home, and is a single mom of an almost 4 year old daughter. She is doing really well--something like a 3.8 GPA. She is getting ready to start her final 1 1/2 years.

I recently moved out of the home I shared with my husband. I had very good reasons (too much to go into here, but let's just say I was VERY lonely).

As I expected, my daughter did not react well to my departure. I have now been blamed for everything thing crappy that happened in her life. Her diatribe was filled with hate for me. Some are true, some aren't (as with anything, there are two sides to the story). I am a recovering alcoholic (got sober in March) and she feels that I neglected our relationship for the past 10 years. That is true. I explained to her, however, that I cannot change the past, I can only do better in the future. After her lengthy diatribes, I stopped it by telling her that I am focusing on my own happiness (for once in my life) and all this was not to be part of it.

We are now not on speaking terms, since Mother's Day week. I asked for the key to my new apartment back (I has just moved the week before...I should never have given it to her in the first place, it was a stupid impulse), and she mailed it to me without my name on it (was this some subliminal jab?).

I pay her day care every two weeks, and I sent the check promptly on 29 May week. She cashed it (surprise!) but I haven't heard anything at all from her, didn't really expect to, honestly.

Should I just ride this out? Should I write some sort of apology email? Should I do something else? I don't know what to do, really. She never really called me before, she's been out of the house now for 7 years, unless it was some sort of emergency (usually money). I don't really know where I'm going with this. I just thought I'd try to ask someone else outside of the situation what is going on here.

My mom disowned me. I resented her for never reaching out and trying. I felt that was her job as my mom. As a mom myself, I feel that responsibility towards my kids too.

If it was me I would mail a heartfelt letter saying everything you feel is important. Let her know that you will give her space and be there for her when she is ready.

If you split up with her dad, this is her grieving the loss of that relationship. She likely just needs some space to do so.

I am sorry you have to go through this.

I would try to keep my heart open and keep lines of communication open. Give her space but try to be there for her. In the end, you always want peace of mind that you didn’t close the door on your kids. Write a letter if you feel you need to. Or just periodically call, send cards or small care packages. Hang in there. I’ve been there and it was a tough ride but I personally think it’s best to ride it out and just give it time.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by benzenering

I am a recovering alcoholic (got sober in March) and she feels that I neglected our relationship for the past 10 years. That is true. I explained to her, however, that I cannot change the past, I can only do better in the future. After her lengthy diatribes, I stopped it by telling her that I am focusing on my own happiness (for once in my life) and all this was not to be part of it.

From what you wrote, it sounds like what hurts her is not the separation with your husband but, rather, the neglect over the past ten years. If she’s only 25, ten year ago she was still a child living at home. By telling her “that you can’t change the past,” that probably sounds to her like you are not willing to acknowledge the last or listen to her explain how it affected her. She knows you can’t change it, but in order for her to heal she may need to tell you how it affected her and have you simply listen without being defensive or shutting her down. Even if parents try their best, sometimes the things they do/don’t do hurt their kids and kids (even adult ones) usually just want to be heard and understood. If you expressed a willingness to listen to her and acknowledge her feelings, that may go a long way towards healing your relationship. As the parent, it’s probably good for you to reach out and take the first step.