Unfriending a close friend

I unfriended my close friend in college on Facebook out of jealousy without her knowing the truth.

Here's the backstory:

I am a registered nurse and so is she. We just reconnected after five years since we graduated on 2011. I long since given up on my nursing profession from 2014 but she, on the other hand, didn't...so when she was accepted in a prestigious hospital, I got jealous...not because I still want to become a nurse, but because she finally made her dreams come true, while me on the other hand is bitter about life because of my illness...I know I'm a ****** person for dropping her without telling her the whole truth but I feel like in order for me to not have any competing feeling towards her that only damages my mental health, I decided to just end our friendship passive aggressively. I'm aware it's petty and selfish of me to do that.

My question now is: Is it understandable that I did such a thing to my former friend?

It is understandable that you did that, even if I do think that you're not dealing with the real issue and are punishing someone for success based on your own feelings of inadequacy.

I disagree that her success or your jealousy would be more damaging your mental health than you accepting something that you should be dealing with instead of hiding from - that is, the sources of your jealousy.

I hope that you're doing something like talking to a T about what causes you to have such strong feelings of jealousy toward someone that would warrant you to abandon someone that you clearly considered a friend. If you are that's good and I have a suggestion.

If you are working with a therapist on these issues, if your friend means anything to you, explain to her your feelings and that it's not about her personally but that you're dealing with some issues that are related to her recent success. If you word it that way and explain that this is why for now you have to unfriend her on fb, maybe the relationship won't become a burnt bridge.

I'm not sure why you didn't just unfollow her while you sort through your feelings. I dont think its wise to automatically dump friends whenever we feel uncomfortable. This is a good opportunity to learn to manage jealousy.

I'm not judging. I've made my share of relationship mistakes based on emotion. This is simply how I hope I would handle the situation.

It's understandable but I don't think it's the right thing to do. I think you need to address this issue you have - do you see a therapist?

I don't think it is understandable. First of all, if you want to end a friendship, at least tell them. Second, why not tell her why you are ending it? She will no longer be your friend so the fact that you think it is not understandable, that doesn't really matter.

I also don't understand why her being successful at something and you being not is such a big issue. If you want to be successful, better surround yourself with successful people.

My feelings of jealousy towards her started wayyy back in college (when I was still undiagnosed), because I was competing with her regarding our grades. That silent competition I have towards her led me to passive aggressively hurt her by ignoring her for three years in college (2009-2011) and joining another group of friends. We were friends on and off because of my jealousy issues towards her (that she doesn't know, and learned only when we reconnected back in June of 2015).

I even wished secretly that she fails on her grades...and even up to now that she fails on being a nurse...

I'm aware that was really repulsive and pathetic of me to do that. I think everything is beyond repair now.

Yes, I do see a psychiatrist...I don't have a therapist besides my psychiatrist because I find it expensive to have another one...

My psychiatrist told me that it's unwise for me to do that because more than anything, I shouldn't have pushed other people away that I actually need to maintain a social life however that their are only few of them that remained...My psychiatrist even told me that I "think" that it may be helpful to me "now" but we will see how it would affect me on the long run...️ We had not discussed my feelings further when I opened up about my jealousy issues towards my former friend and she (my psychiatrist) just straight up gave me an advice that I mentioned above.

Yes...I do see a psychiatrist...

Since you clearly don't have a handle on this I would not reconnect with her. She doesn't need to have an unsupportive person in her life and the negative emotions you feel are not good for you.

If you really had a close friendship you would probably be happy for her that she has met her goals. Close friends support each other even if they sometimes disagree. It would be beneficial to work on this so your jealousy does not spread to other friendships.

I come from a big family. We all have different financial situations, but I have never once been jealous of my siblings who have multiple houses or go on big vacations. I am happy for them that they get to have those experiences. I also don't think I am any less important to them because I might get a couple of overnights at the beach a year.

You're right ️

I actually am jealous towards her the "most" because I believe she embodies the kind of success I want for myself.

You can have success too! It just might come a little later or a different way. I would bet there are something's you have that she might like to have. We can. never totally know someone.

You're absolutely right ️

To be honest, I don't understand why I still feel guilty over the decision that I made to unfriend her. I supposed to feel relief but it's the guilt that's gnawing at me. ️

I just want to learn what is the best thing that I should do now in order to move on with my life without looking back? ️

First of all, I think that you are really brave to share this. I completely understand it, I've done similar things and felt horrible for doing it. The feelings of guilt and shame are always behind these actions because we know where these 'undesirable' impulsive actions come from. It is completely normal to feel frustrated and envious of someone who is in a 'better' position than ours (and where we want to be), however, to a certain degree.

That's why when it exceeds to a point that bothers you, I believe that the way out is to seek for help, be perseverant and persistent. What is done is done, but perhaps when you feel more comfortable you may contact your friend and be really open about it with her. If she is someone who is meant to be in your life, she will understand. For now, I wouldn't try to 'force' yourself to be highly social and pretend to be fine with certain situations, for that will only mask the issue. It takes a while, one day at a time, but things will get better!

I think it's ok not to be her friend on Facebook, but cutting her out of your life just because you're jealous seems a little harsh. It is probably a good idea to talk to your therapist about it.

Thank you for understanding

I recommend you see a professional in regards to jealousy. I dare to disagree that envy and jealousy of others is a perfectly normal thing. I am not saying it’s the end of the world but dropping friends because you are jealous of them is somewhat extreme. Most certainly it’s something to address. I’d start with booking therapy appointment.

I don't know. I mean it's fb. It's not like you picked up the phone and gave her an earful. It's not as though you stormed up to her ranting and raving and attempting to belittle her.

Maybe she rubs you the wrong way more so than having the successes that you feel bitter about not having?

You feel the way that you feel and that's fine. Feelings are feelings.

Maybe block her for good measure, which might alleviate some of the "guilt"? Is it only guilt or fear of discovery of the "unfriending"?

I think it takes some strength on your part to face and admit the jealousy you’ve been having for so long. The feelings are there and it’s good to work through them. I think it’s probably pretty normal to feel jealous at times. I can’t imagine there’s anybody who doesn’t. It does complicate things when we act on our jealousy though. I have done it and felt guilt and regret. Looking back though, you might find that the friendship just wasn’t a good fit for you and it was best to move on. Facebook has changed the dynamics of friendships I think. Even when we outgrow a friendship or want to move on, they’re still on our social media.

Only guilt...she knows I unfriended her and I said goodbye to her through chat message that I will be gone for so very long and will not be able to be in contact with her...I didn't disclose though the truth about my jealousy, I just bid my farewell...Speaking of, I also felt guilty because maybe she is still expecting that I'm gonna come back...