[poorlittlefish]

I've been with my partner for over 2 years, both mid-40s. About a year ago he told me that we would never live together, only date. He claimed the reason was because he will only live where he has always lived, which is in the middle of a city and I prefer somewhere quieter. He was not interested in compromise, so it sounded like an excuse to get out of an awkward conversation.

Him telling me that really upset me at the time because he moved in with his ex after only a few months of being with her. They split up after only 2 months of living together. I found out yesterday that he was with the woman he was previously married to for only a year before he proposed and it's got me thinking.

I like the freedom of living by myself and my partner is very moody, so if I think rationally I should be glad he doesn't ever want us to live together, but I've become downcast that he was willing to quickly commit to living with one ex and marrying another, yet he doesn't want any of that with me. It makes me wonder what they had that I don't and I feel very inferior, like I don't hold the same worth as his exes.

I tried talking to him about how I feel (very difficult as he is an Aspie). He reckoned he got married "to conform" (we are British, so not in a culture where marriage is expected at all) and that he lived with his most recent ex "to give it a go", neither of which sounded at all convincing. I know I shouldn't dwell on things that happened before we met, but that is easier said than done. It's not that we won't ever live together or get married (because I'm not sure I'd want to give up living alone after so long anyway), but why he wanted that kind of life/future with them and not me. He said, "It's not like that" but didn't actually say what it is like, which just served to reinforce my beliefs that I don't mean much to him.

How do I get myself out of thinking about this?!

[healingme4me]

Sounds like he has built up a fortress around his heart which may in turn trickle out as a coolness? A lack of passion(or butterflies?)? I understand where you are coming from where it's not about your wanting to give up that independence of living space. It sounds like you are wondering why or where some intensity is missing? Perhaps? I could be off base on this.

[QUOTE=poorlittlefish;6384507]

Hello PoorLitttleFish. I am sorry you are in this challenging situation. I have a few thoughts for you.

The thing which seems to be bothering you most right now (if I understood you) is your belief that your significant other (S.O.) valued other women more than you. However, your worth is not dependent on other people...be that your S.O or his exes or anyone else. You are an intrinsically valuable person regardless of whether someone wants to live with you or not.

The comparison tendency (which all humans fall into at times) is not helpful and often causes us more angst. Although your SO's prior relationships are significant in the sense that any person's history (relationship or otherwise) is part of who they are today...his decisions about those other women are irrelevant to his decisions with you. I believe that we need to start afresh with every relationship: on both sides.

You sound ambivalent about your feelings for your S.O and your goals for the future regarding living together or not. I think taking a step back and really asking yourself what you want for yourself (regardless of what he wants) is going to be valuable. Once you are clear on what you want, then you can open up a dialogue with your partner about the future.

By "Aspie" do you mean that he's living with Asperger's? Is he diagnosed or are you saying he just struggles with emotions and communication?

Have you tried couples counseling? If you are hitting a wall with the dialogue, then it could be really helpful for the two of you to talk with an experienced and neutral 3rd party in order to discuss openly without judgment or criticism.

You said that compromise is not an option for him. And you said that he was clear in the beginning that he only wanted to date, not live together. So did he change his mind about that or are you hoping he will? Sorry if I misunderstood you. If you decide you want to live together/get married and he does not, then there is no possible compromise...your futures are not compatible.

In short, you each need to be sure of your future goals and have a direct conversation about whether those goals align. I don't think his reasons for not wanting to live together really matter if you want to live together and he doesn't. Does that make sense?

Wishing you peace and positive energy for navigating this challenge

[divine1966]

Frankly all his past relationships failed so him jumping into it too soon isn’t really a sign of anything.

You have to do wgat is right for you regardless what he wants. If just dating is ok then why not? If however you want more commitment, he is not a man for you

[downandlonely]

It sounds like maybe he did make commitments too soon in previous relationships. So maybe he is trying to go more slowly with you in the hopes that your relationship will last longer. That makes sense to me anyway. But I can't read his mind and neither can you.

[poorlittlefish]

Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211

By "Aspie" do you mean that he's living with Asperger's? Is he diagnosed or are you saying he just struggles with emotions and communication?

He refuses to go to the doctor for a diagnosis, but it is obvious. He has admitted that other people have told him he must have it, including ex-partners and his parents. After I realised (at about the 3-month stage) everything fell into place. He has tics and OCD issues too, so he can be very challenging and I have had to adapt to dealing with some of his behaviour.

Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211

Have you tried couples counseling?

Sadly he won't even talk to me about how he feels and he has no idea how to respond to negative emotion from me, so there's no way he'd talk to a stranger. Unless he's the one experiencing a particular emotion, it's like he can't understand how anyone else can be feeling that way.

Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211

You said that compromise is not an option for him. And you said that he was clear in the beginning that he only wanted to date, not live together. So did he change his mind about that or are you hoping he will?

It wasn't at the beginning, but over a year into our relationship that he told me that. In the first couple of months (honeymoon stage) he was asking if I'd ever marry again, calling me Mrs O etc, as if a future with me was on his radar.

[sarahsweets]

Well do you expect to have some sort of a future with this man?

[divine1966]

I caution you against diagnosing people. Diagnosing ASD isn’t easy so just because he acts off or has trouble communicating it doesn’t mean it’s that. If he doesn’t have proper diagnosis, I’d stop saying he has ASD.

Also usually what you see is what you get, if he was previously more commited and spent more time with you but later decided he doesn’t want more commitment and now is going out a lot wuth his friends without you, perhaps he feels something is missing in a relationship and he gives you heads up that it’s not going anywhere.

Future was on his radar and now it’s not. Whatever is the reason. Honestly I’d move on. It doesn’t sound like there is much of a future here. He might not be a man for yiu

[QUOTE=poorlittlefish;6384980]

There are certainly options available to help him if he has tics or obsessive compulsive tendencies but he would need to seek these for himself. Doesn't sound like that's the case so I would leave it be.

If you speak with him openly and without judgment or accusation (I don't know what you mean by him having "negative emotion" from you) and he still does not want to communicate with you about your feelings or the future of the relationship...and you feel sure that he won't talk to a therapist, then I think the future may be guiding you along here. Stonewalling (if that's what he's actually doing) is a strong predictor of relationship breakdown.

However, if you were feeling quite heated when you discussed this with him and it unwittingly turned into you accusing him of loving other women more than you...well then I could understand him shutting down. I was married once. I will never marry again. If my current S.O. were making assertions about my prior relationship or rationale for zero future marriage, I would feel quite hurt and not particularly interested in continuing the conversation.

Similarly, if you told him he has ASD and needed to get a Dx, then that could have been very offensive to him. I don't know if that's how it went with you folks, I just like to consider both sides of a relationship. I'm not judging you, just trying to help you think it through from both sides. Presumably you love this man if you've been together this long? Maybe?

If you feel that he has changed his mind about a future with you, I encourage you to openly discuss with him. Try open body language, sit next to him not opposite him. Pick a time when you are both relaxed and there's no time constraint. Use non-accusatory language such as: "I'd love to check in with you...see how we're both doing...what's working for you and for me" and then weave that into a discussion of future goals. Avoid any discussion of other women or prior relationships...that will not help matters and I honestly don't think it's relevant.

If he doesn't want marriage and you do, then I would encourage you to step back and consider your path. I have known several women who thought that with enough time (or coercion) a man would eventually want marriage and/or a baby even though he said he did not. I realize your situation was different in the beginning because he said different things about the future. Generally it seems best to take people as they are. I accept his goals and flaws. He accepts my goals and flaws. We can work on these together. If the goals are different, there's no future for the relationship unless one person is willing to change their goal. And we should never try to convince someone else to change their future goal...we either change ours or move on. I would never tell you what to do one way or the other because I am not you! I don't walk around in your shoes all day

Best wishes to you as you navigate this. Slow deep breaths, time, and judgment-free communication will hopefully help you to find your answers.