A vent, I guess... But talk to me maybe?

Ugh, is that what it is? I've been trying not to say that word and staying logical about it. (The exception is when thinking of him as a friend, I do then say I love him because I think that's fair and accurate.) It just feels like an unhealthy obsession... If that's what love is I want no part of it. >~<

I gotta find a way to cope. I just don't know what a healthy way of doing so is. This can't be a good way of doing it. My usual method of distracting myself is no longer working because I'm bored with all of my current distractions and when there's downtime like at work or driving to work or attempting to sleep I get caught up. Removing him from my life entirely is just going to send me into a breakdown and would probably hurt him too which I'm trying desperately to avoid.

If someone knows of a way that I can detach in a healthy way, please... halp ;-;

I could be wrong of course. No offense meant.

No offense taken, just a bit of panic. >~< I know you're trying to help, I'm not mad at you. I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Now laugh all you want cause it's me who is trying to give an advice, especially in a situation where one could die due to one way or another, but...

You're too stressed, okay? He is just a person and he is not a solution to all your problems... I won't "lecture" you, that I'll save for a chemistry class in future, but think about the situation with a CALM mind, COOL DOWN.

Edit : Removed advice.

Quite right, he's not a solution to all of my problems... But could be to one: chronic loneliness. And, well, he has been for about 3 months now.

Anyhoo, I'm trying my best to avoid that train of thought. Last night while somewhat level-headed I managed to write out a few key thoughts, including an apology for being so cold and mean. I'm still relatively calm right now. I hope he can forgive the mess I am yet again. Part of me hopes he doesn't, for his sake.

I wish all the best for your well-being, and whatever it may be I cannot judge.

Well tonight went... ok, but very emotional at one point. I made sure he was in a good mood, I stayed level-headed, and we worked out the main issue. We had a good talk after where I pointed out how he's too kind, forgiving, and has never had anyone care about his needs (which is very true, it's what got him traumatized from the last girl he was with because he basically allowed her to continually abuse him). He admitted that's the case, but it doesn't really bother him... Still, I said I wanted to try to help him figure out his needs - even things as simple as needing a night off from stressful things - and I meant it. I want to help him like he helps me.

It went very far south when he said something that sent me to the dark place and even when I asked to end the topic I couldn't actually end the topic myself and kept going. I felt hopeless that no one was ever going to love me because my heart isn't good enough, I also need looks... It hurts so much to know how people are so concerned about looks that they'd choose that - which fades - over a heart full of love to give to them, yet then you'll see those same people whine and cry about how they can't find someone who is trustworthy and faithful...

Eventually it de-escalated when I turned the focus back to him and how much I care for him. I'm proud that I was able to do this despite how awful I was feeling. I asked him to promise me that he would make sure the next girl he was with actually cared about him and would care about his needs instead of being selfish like the last girl was. He agreed, but he's happy being alone for now, so I told him that's fine too. Even if he doesn't want to be with me in the future, I do want him to be happy.

Overall I'm feeling a bit better, at least enough that I can try eating. It's been nearly 3 full days of no food whatsoever and very little to drink (only my nightly Powerade that I take to work). My appetite still isn't thrilled about this though, so I'm worried it won't stay down. We'll see.

Also! I left out like the best part of the conversation. We were talking about some of our past stuffs from when we were really young and long story short it was yet another thing we're opposite on. He said "yin & yang s--t goin on", and apparently I'm the yang. It really means a lot to me that he sees our differences and thinks it's a good thing by calling it a yin yang type of thing. x3

We also discussed being workout buddies which should be fun. I need to lose weight, he needs to gain. (Another opposite, heh.) I'm feeling really positive in this moment that things will be fine, even if hardships come up again, like we can make it through anything. I have to keep trying like I have been to remain positive and not let the dark place consume me, gotta stay content in the moment that things are how they should be and that he won't give up on me like everyone else did.

Dehydration is very dangerous. Please make an effort to drink even if you don’t eat ( which is not healthy either). Your not eating not drinking regiment is dangerous. Please call your doctor

I did manage to eat tonight. I don't have a doc, so meh. Health insurance and all that, not cheap to go to a doc without it so I haven't been since I was a teen and on my parent's insurance. It's just recently in the last few months with high stress that I can't eat. This is only the 3rd time I've done this too. I know it's not good for me, but I can't force it when I get that worked up. =/

Make sure you drink ton of water even if not eating.

I agree with Bill3

We had another really great night, a definite talk to remember. I'm successfully putting my feelings away and it feels really good to be able to talk with him like I did before and not have stupid feelings that mean nothing get in the way. I'm hopeful we'll have a great friendship for years to come and I'm excited for it. ^^

Thank you everyone for the hugs and talking with me. It helped me sort my mind to get it out the feelings and thoughts like this.

Some more hugs coming to you, Shadow

Can never have too many hugs, thanks. <3