Red-headed stepchild, part 2

Ok, I do love my stepmom very much and when her kids aren't involved (warning: jealous post alert), she and I are very close. I normally have the kind of relationship with her as I would have hoped to have with my real mom, if she were still alive. But, I've whined about this in the past -- as soon as her kids are in the vicinity, I get dropped like a hot potato.

Mind you, I'm 38, and her kids are 38 and 36. Should be well past this by now, I'm sure... but it's always been like this, for the last 20 years.

All three kids live in the same city, across the country from my stepmom, currently. She visits often, several times a year. When she does, she usually stays at my house because I have an extra guest room, but she will never make concrete plans to spend time with me "in case" one of her kids decides that he has time to spend with her. Her kids won't commit to anything and end up calling pretty much at the last minute if they end up with free time, and even when she and I do have plans, she bails on me in favor of them.

Ok, enough history. Now my current whine...

So, I'm finally pregnant - am now 4 months along. My dad is terminally ill with brain cancer, so at the moment, all of the focus is, understandably, on him. In fact, neither of them have made more than a cursory acknowledgment of my pregnancy so far, but as I said, I do understand as they are going through their own traumas. His prognosis is not good - maybe another month - so I would imagine that she'll have a little more emotional energy to celebrate with me in the spring.

For the record, I already hate everything that I'm writing. What a whiner...

Anyway, so today she brightly announces that..... her son and his wife are also expecting! Yay!!!!!... not. I'm happy for them, of course, but MAN! When is MY day in the sun?? Especially with my dad being gone by then, is she going to make ANY time for me once her REAL grandchild arrives??

god, I sound so pathetic... I'm 38 for crying out loud...

and this is not a complaint about her kids. They are fine. They understand my point of view, and they agree that they get preferential treatment and they do their best to help even it out. The three of us have talked very openly about it, and, well, you can't force someone (her) to have more feelings than come naturally...

step families are the hardest! no way it should be but that is how it is. I have a stepmom I love to pieces but yes my dad's kids come last. like every year her kids get gifts while dads kids get nothing. it has been that way since the mid 70's when they married. my dad will slip around and give me a little money sometimes but still you want to feel she loves you as her child. I too have no living mom.

Watch your titles LMO :-) This is my stepson:



and this is his son:



My granddaughter's hair is turning more auburn than red but use to be their color :-)

I know exactly where you are coming from; I'm a stepdaughter too (as well as the step grandmother and not the "real" grandmother). My husband's ex-wife's mother is still around and comes to all the parties too so I feel thoroughly out of place. My stepsister was an only child and my stepmother spent all kinds of time with her and her children and they'd all have parties that I wasn't invited to, etc. I'm glad at least your step-siblings talk about it and try to "help" even things out. I just always felt like a stepchild and now like a stepgrandmother. My stepson is cool though, as is our daughter-in-law and the ex-wife has quirky behavior that we all acknowledge and tease each other about and I feel included there.

(( bebop ))

Yeah, I know that this situation is very predictable and typical... I just wish I could be happier about my stepbrother's news without thinking about negative impacts to me. Selfish, I am.

Bizarre realizing it about oneself but still not being able to control the emotional reaction, huh?

hahhaha Perna! Point taken!!!!!

I was a stepmom for 6 years. I can understand it from that POV too. It just sucks - I feel like the most exciting time in my life is something that my whole family can't/won't share with me, for so many reasons. Intellectually, I get it, but it still hurts

Thanks for your thoughts

hon it is understandable! they have barely acknowledged your pregnancy! then all excited about her own son. it is normal to feel this way and you have every right to feel it!

aw Perna - the picture of your grandson just appeared! What a cutie pie!

i know exactly what you mean...in a way

everytime something happens with me my x's (at the time bf ) mother always seems to trump me and then point out how stupid i am.....i was sick one time, turned out to be a 2 week straight upset of IBS....i was 116 pounds from 130 ....and my bf was paying some attention to me...i couldnt eat or anything or i would get severe stomach pains and really sick....well his mother made a huge deal because she had a toothache and stayed home for like 4 days and then kept saying i was just trying to get out of work....im better now....but she is always doing that ...i started trying to go to school for RN...and then she signed up right away to be an LVN and for all that time she only kept saying about how she would be a better LVN than any RN ...whatever that means....so now i left my bf ...partly because of his mother ....unfortunatly you cant do the same....im sorry (((((((((((LMO))))))))

i hope you dont see this as a hijack to your thread...im just explaining i sorta know ...except yours is definitly more complicated ....if you do think its a hijack feel free to take it off ...not a problem.....

lol Inny - you could never cause a problem here! Thanks for sharing your story and yes, I do believe that you understand.

((( Inny )))

Leanne~

I am gonna venture out here and try to think more positively on this. As far fetched as it may seem.. maybe there can be some hope.

I am thinking that by the time spring rolls around and this adorable baby of yours is born.. he/she will be the apple of your step moms eye. Simply because he/ she will be a part of your dad.. and your step mom will want to see that little person as much as possible. Its hard to have and even give up hope on people, but I really feel that this could turn into something good. At least I am hoping this for all of you involved.

Hugz
Bethy

Oh Bethy - that's such a nice, positive thought. That's so sweet of you to think of that. I'd love to be able to see it that way in this case...

I'd buy into it a little more if I thought that my stepmom loved my dad. It's a marriage of convenience at best - she tolerates him because she's afraid of being left penniless. I hate to say something like that about someone I love, but her feelings are pretty out in the open.