Tired of being the redheaded stepchild

My dad and stepmom are here, again, visiting from the east coast. I have two stepbrothers who live here - one lives a few blocks away; the other lives about an hour away. The further one has an adorable 5 year old son, who is the main reason my stepmom comes out to visit as often as she does.

As many of you know, I do NOT get along well with my dad, who has traditionally been extremely rude and resentful towards my husband. So, normally I get very nervous and anxious before and during their visits. This time, though, all has been fine with my dad. This time... I am getting really tired of my *stepmom's* pattern to drop whatever plans she has with me if "something better" comes along. She doesn't exactly use those words, but that's the effect. My two stepbrothers are not really the types to schedule anything or make any plans ahead of time, and, I don't know, maybe because I have a bigger struggle with my parents than they do, but it really helps me to have at least some general plans set up ahead of time so that I can get myself emotionally prepared to deal with my parents... knowing when I have to build up my strength and when I can just relax and not deal with them. So when they come out to visit, I try to schedule a few days for family dinners or things to do. The pattern is, though, that if either of my stepbrothers come along and make a last-minute offer to take my stepmom to do something (added points if it has anything to do with the grandson), she drops me like a hot potato.

Don't get me wrong -- I would probably do the same thing in her shoes. And my stepbrothers really aren't doing anything wrong either -- I have no problems with THEM, and certainly no issue with my nephew (he's really cool - I'd prefer to hang out with him instead of anyone else, too). What I don't like is that "I'll hang out with Lee Ann unless something better comes along" pattern. I tried to have a talk with her about it last night, but it turned into her storming and crying and yelling at me that I'm inflexible and that it's not my stepbrothers' faults if schedules change at the last minute and that I really need to learn how to communicate with my stepbrothers better.

So fine - the problem is that I'm inflexible. Great.

My last words on the subject were that if she really would just rather spend time with them when the opportunity arises, then that's what we should just openly state. Stop pretending that I get equal treatment but she "HAS to babysit" at the last minute, or "this is the ONLY night that".. (fill in the stepbrother and reason she has to drop plans with me). Let's just say from the get-go that we can make tentative plans, but she reserves the right to cancel or change them on me at the last minute to accommodate her sons and grandson. Just be honest that I play second-fiddle, and stop pretending that this relationship is equal, because it's not.

I know that I'm acting like a jealous 10 year old. I can identify the feelings, and I can intellectualize how I *should* behave, react, and feel. I can have an have had a direct discussion with her about my feelings. I just don't know how to emotionally prepare myself whenever the inevitable next visit comes around. It's stressful enough that they are coming, and I feel like I'm dodging bullets the entire time they are here, with never knowing what to expect.

Thanks for listening

LMo, the only advice I can think of is to just assume that she's not going to do anything with you, so you won't be upset when she takes a "better" offer. Unfortunately, it doesn't do anything for wanting to know when and for how long you need to be feeling on guard. I guess this would be an occasion for some firm boundary setting.

Also, I'd talk to your stepbrothers and let them know that you have firm plans with your parents and to please arrange their visit times with their mom accordingly. I don't know, tell them with your new job assignment that you aren't as flexible as you used to be. It's not a complete and utter lie.

Tell her you have already made plans and she'ed better find something else to do , then go to a funny movie or find a putting range and smack the balls like they were her head lol
Love
Angie

Thanks guys. It's not really about the individual inconveniences. I actually AM really flexible when plans change. It drives some of my friends crazy, in fact. But in my stepmom's case, it hurts my feelings to be dismissed so quickly, but I'm still expected to accommodate other people's plans and lifestyles and but then am accused of being 'selfish' when I say 'no'. Not to mention me being disappointed because it means that I don't get to spend time with her.

She was here for 3 weeks in April. The original plan was that she was going to stay with us the entire time. The day she arrived, one of my stepbrothers offered to let her stay with him for the first night. Subsequently, I saw her for about an hour total during the entire duration of her trip. That was when she was getting everyone together for a family photo at my other stepbrother's wedding, and she didn't ask me or my husband to be included in the group. When I asked her about it afterwards, she said that she couldn't find me and that I shouldn't expect to put the photographer on hold while she ran around to look for me. I was standing right there - she didn't even try to look. I would have spoken up at the time but I thought maybe there would be several rounds of photos -- some with the biological family, some with the extended family, etc. Next thing I knew, the 'family' photo session was over and everyone dispersed.

These are the kinds of things that make me want to blow my stack when she expects me to be 'flexible' when my stepbrothers become available for her. I get dropped like a hot potato. It really, really hurts my feelings.

Thanks for your support and ideas, guys. You're both so nice to me

i'm picking up on your being very hurt due to her treatment of you. she sounds rude and inconsiderate to me. and selfish. it's not unreasonable for your feelings to be hurt. mine sure as hell would be. and she can cry and storm around all she wants, she knows exactly what she is doing to you. there! send her to texas!

i can think of things to get even with her, but we both know that neither of would resort to anything childish, so we won't even go there.

the only thing that i can see you doing is to lower your expectations of her. talk to your T and work out a plan for your heart and head. i've been in similiar situations and it hurt me a lot to feel left out and overlooked. my own sister paid a photographer to take family pictures about a year ago and who, in the family, is a professional photographer? it really hurt my feelings that she did that. didn't even ask me to do it. family can suck at times. there, i said it. suck!

love ya, agnes.............xoxoxo ethel

Thanks Ethel - I appreciate the validation. But, please do tell me if you see me heading in the wrong direction about any of this. I am great at telling other people how they should conduct THEIR lives, and at the same time, am pretty sure that I'm too bullheaded to see my own contributions toward bad relationships. Therefore, I need my friends to keep me honest. You're all so great at supporting me - I appreciate it!

and I'm sorry about your sister and the photographer thing Her loss - you are a fantastic photographer

i honestly do not see that you're contributing to this. i'd tell you in a new york second if i did. it usually takes two to tango but sometimes one partner can't hear the music.

Thanks Ethel. My husband doesn't see any contribution on my part, either, other than that I've let her slide way too many times in the last 20 years and now she's used to it.

We just had a great T session, but I opted to skip over this topic and focus on stuff with my husband and his career. This stepmother issue just isn't going to improve overnight and yeah, I agree that what needs to change are my expectations as well as my boundaries. I can do that on my own (well, and with help from my friends here).

Ugh.

Thanks

boundaries are the healthiest and usually they are the hardest. especially if the "boundary needer" is a manipulator/liar/rude/selfish/self absorbed/thoughtless person. i'm not calling your stepmom all of that. it's just the truth. they just don't see boundaries are being necessary to anyone but them. and you've probably noticed that she has boundaries.

expectations just set us up to be disappointed and hurt. i used to have them about my mother. when i was elected to the Planned Parenthood board in Oklahoma City, she was disdainful. (i love using weird words) when i went to work for Willie Nelson, she was scornful. when i started photographing Indian rodeo, she was aghast that i was running around with Indians. ( I AM PART INDIAN..WHERE WAS THAT COMING FROM?) i just always knew that i'd find that magic thing that she would cheer about........never happened. and i expected so little from her. just some respect and recognition for my hard work. she later asked me for Will's autograph and i refused to get it for her. she also asked me for one of my biggest rodeo photos and i refused that also. she later told my sister that she didn't deserve either request.

i had two MILs who delighted in treating me the way your stepmom treats you. but i didn't have the investment in them that you have in your stepmom. i cut bait on both of them.........but your deal is different. she is your stepmom and validation of you as a human bean would be nice. love, pat

The red-headed stranger from Blue Rock, Montana,
Rode into town one day.
And under his knees was a ragin' black stallion,
And walkin' behind was a bay.
The red-headed stranger had eyes like the thunder,
And his lips, they were sad and tight.
His little lost love lay asleep on the hillside,
And his heart was heavy as night.
Don't cross him, don't boss him.
He's wild in his sorrow:
He's ridin' an' hidin his pain.
Don't fight him, don't spite him;
Just wait till tomorrow,
Maybe he'll ride on again.

A yellow-haired lady leaned out of her window,
An' watched as he passed her way.
She drew back in fear at the sight of the stallion,
But cast greedy eyes on the bay.
But how could she know that this dancin' bay pony,
Meant more to him than life.
For this was the horse that his little lost darlin',
Had ridden when she was his wife.

Don't cross him, don't boss him.
He's wild in his sorrow:
He's ridin' an' hidin his pain.
Don't fight him, don't spite him;
Just wait till tomorrow,
Maybe he'll ride on again.

The yellow-haired lady came down to the tavern,
An' looked up the stranger there.
He bought her a drink, an' he gave her some money,
He just didn't seem to care.
She followed him out as he saddled his stallion,
An' laughed as she grabbed at the bay.
He shot her so quick, they had no time to warn her,
She never heard anyone say:

"Don't cross him, don't boss him.
"He's wild in his sorrow:
"He's ridin' an' hidin his pain.
"Don't fight him, don't spite him;
"Just wait till tomorrow,
"Maybe he'll ride on again."

The yellow-haired lady was buried at sunset;
The stranger went free, of course.
For you can't hang a man for killin' a woman,
Who's tryin' to steal your horse.
Tthis is the tale of the red headed stranger,
And if he should pass your way,
Stay out of the path of the ragin' black stallion,
And don't lay a hand on the bay.

Don't cross him, don't boss him.
He's wild in his sorrow:
He's ridin' an' hidin his pain.
Don't fight him, don't spite him;
Just wait till tomorrow,
Maybe he'll ride on again.

from one of Will's albums. i don't know if he wrote it.

Thanks Ethel - you know, though, as much as I am a huge believer in boundaries, I am trying to be careful to pick my battles with my family. I am absolutely the black sheep and always have been. I refused to let my parents attend my wedding (how's THAT for a boundary) because they hadn't been supportive of my relationship. However, I'm trying not to focus on the little things that crop up, because ultimately I would LOVE to have a good relationship with them. That's my dilemma.

boundaries apply in the large view. not just little things. our core beliefs help us set our boundaries......and getting along is usually enhanced if a person knows where you stand.

i don't mean nitpicking. i mean the things such as "i've changed my mind and am having dinner with so and so....sorry you cooked".....

my mom used to say, "DO you like YOUR hair that way?"....i finally learned to say, 'I LOVE IT'. and she quit asking. that was a small thing.

i know you want to get along. but boundaries, detaching and few expectations will shore you up.......i think. i'm awfully tired right now and not too wise.

Good advice! I agree with everything you said, and your timing is impeccable! I need to hear things like this, Ethel, so thank you!

Lee Ann, it sound like they stay with you when they come out. If so, they need to make plans to stay with one of your brothers!

I have the reverse situation. When Karla and her family come to town, I simply don't exist! All the syblings get together and I'm totally left out. Left out of seeing all my kids together again, seeing all my grandkids, etc. It's not easy, but I've learned to accept how things are. Right before I joined here, it happened for the first time and I landed in a psych ward. It didn't seem to matter to any of them. Oh, well...

It's painful, but I'm still learning to accept more and more.

If I was you, I just wouldn't plan anything special. If you cook dinner for them and they choose to go elsewhere, they can eat left-overs for lunch the next day.

It's just a thought, but if you switch your mind set to HOPING they do something else, it may not be as upsetting when they do.

Good luck, Sweety. You don't deserve that kind of treatment!

LMo, I have to agree with Pat on this one.

As hard as it is, you need to set boundaries with them. If you let them steamroller you on the little things, they're going to do it with the bigger things too. You don't deserve that, and I know you know it.

Yes, they're the only parents you've had for the last 20+ years, but just because they're your parents doesn't mean you have to like everything they do. If you're the black sheep now, and always have been, do you think your elderly parents are going to be changing that opinion any time soon?

I'm thinking you need to accept your black sheepiness and stand up for yourself. I also like the suggestion that they stay with your stepbrothers. It's unfair that they're just using your house as a hotel and dump you by the wayside every opportunity they get. What makes your house so much more appealing that they stay with you when it's obvious they'd rather be somewhere else? They blow you off, they don't like Shane, they stress you both out. I don't see why you'd perpetuate that situation other than the familiar, no matter how uncomfortable, is easier than trying something new, especially if others won't approve. They aren't taking your feelings into consideration, do they really deserve it in return?

Thanks - I agree with Pat, too. And I *am* standing up for myself - that's what started the fight the other night. I didn't obey her mandate that I change my plans to accommodate her preference to do what worked best for her kids. That's when she unleashed the accusation that I am selfish and inflexible because I refuse to budge on the big plans, such as my wedding, the party this past weekend, and a bike ride to meet a friend who was riding across the country - I had planned two months earlier which conflicted with her last-minute request that I chauffeur her 1 hour away so that my stepbrother wouldn't have to go through the hassle of picking her up.

What I am contemplating is whether I need to be inflexible about the LITTLE things. 'Inflexible' to me means that I am never willing to compromise. I don't see myself that way, but I am trying to see where there might be any truth to wht she is saying. I would be doing our relationship a disservice if I didn't at least think about it.

So the current dilemma is: pick battles wisely, versus set her expectations that bailing on me is only okay under life-or-death situations.

Do you see what I mean? What do you think?

I understand. It's a catch-22.

But I don't understand why it's a hassle for her son to come get her but not for you to make the same trip? She's ditching you for him, and you're supposed to be OK with making it happen?

Maybe it's more a matter of letting them know your feelings matter as much as anyone else's and that it shouldn't be expected that you're the first one to rearrange plans to accommodate everyone else.

I'm not seeing this first hand, so I know I'm missing a lot of the dynamics of the situation. It still seems awfully lopsided though.

I still agree most with Tomi - if she prefers the company of her sons over you and S., she should plan on staying with them and seeing you when it's convenient, instead of taking advantage of your hospitality. I know she complains about staying in hotels too, but that's HER issue, not yours. Yes, she's family and family should get a little more leeway, a LITTLE. She seems to be getting way more than a little. It's unfair that you completely inconvenience your and S's life for weeks on end just to keep a very minimal amount of peace in the parent/child relationship.

Edited out husband's name.

Thanks both - I had missed Tomi's response the first time. I am sorry to hear about what Karla et al did to you. I agree that my stepmom should stay with her kids and in fact that's what ended up happening this visit and the last. I think what needs to change is that in the future, she PLANS to stay with one of them instead of with me. That way, if my stepbrothers won't commit to her stay ahead of time, then it's her issur with them and she can't accue me of not communicating with them. I also like Tomi's idea to changing to hoping that they'll do something else that doesn't involve me. Seems like a last resort, but I don't see too many other options at thi point. I've already tried talking to her, and I can't get through. Thanks guys.

Hi LMo...

Definetely sounds like a boundary issue to me. Happens to me all the time too. My family HAS to be out doing something I don't like doing (or can't) and they make me feel pretty darn awful.

It's perfectly reasonable that you want to at least have a vague idea about plans before they come along. And the whole being emotionally prepared thing, I definetely hear you there! I need a lot of forewarning if I'm expected to visit my family, but it rarely happens. And when I'm not sure of something, I'm guilted.

I've read a book that I think you might enjoy. Its about setting boundaries. When I can remember the title, I'll make sure you get it if you want? It was recommended by my first counsellor, and its really useful. (Its got a Christian backing which I'm not fond of, but its quite easy to read regardless!)

Take care of yourself. Its not your fault that your stepmom is being insensitive and inconsiderate.

***hugs*** to you

i'm also picking up on some guilt here. LMo, you have nothing to feel guilty about. you made plans, she didn't respect them. end of story. if guilt is to be laid, i (ethel) lay it on her.

people can pick their battles. however, it's like tangoing. sometimes the other warrior isn't even in the battle. it's like tilting at windmills.

i totally understand about your wanting to be loved. i have been in that situation with my mom. it took FIVE years of therapy to finally understand that she wasn't going to give what i wanted. and i was about your age when i did all of that work. i just needed her respect, compassion AND love.

i finally set boundaries and she accepted them and at times, grudgingly, went along with them.

and my sister that is next to me, is meaner than an old black snake to me. my boundary with her is to never see her. and i hate that. i love her. but i don't love the way she treats me.

do you feel loved when you're getting the short end of the stick. i just want you to find a happy medium that keeps you at ease and her at bay. you cannot change people. and keeping her at bay means not tromping all over your feelings and degrading your husband. that sort of stuff.

can you imagine how much five years of therapy (i drove 200 miles roundtrip for it) cost us? and i really did think that i could change my mother.

i never changed her. i changed me.

agnes, never, ever do i want you to think that i'm talking to you in absolutes. i just thought of that. i hate absolutes.

i'm not there in your IRL and i can't see it all. i'm just drawing from my experience and my feelings for you. (not brokeback mountain, silly)...i am just trying to help you see how my deal affected my life. xoxoxo ethel

Well, that's the end of that. My stepmom flew home this morning. I never saw her again after the argument we had last Monday.

She called yesterday and said that she won't be needing a ride to the airport. I said, "ok, and I'm sorry that we didn't get to spend time together". She snapped "we spent time together - it just wasn't as much as you would have liked".

Ouch.

Weird - either I'm complaining that they stay with me too often, or I'm complaining that they don't stay with me enough.

Anyway, I just find it a little, um, offputting that she has been here for a total of 6 weeks in the past four months and has spent zero time alone with me. Is it me? Nah, can't be. Could it? Maybe. But if I do my best not to take it personally, then the reason is that she really just wants to spend time with her grandson. Weird to be jealous of a 5 year old, huh?