stepchild

Any advice on how to deal with a 13 year ol stepson who lives with us but tries to make life hell?His mother who is involved by phone once a week does not help she condones his attitude and behavior.I love my SS but dont think I need to put up with the disrespect anylonger.Examples he is hateful to me and his father,says he doent have to follow the rules here,told me I am an outsider he just considers me as a maid.Does not want to go on family outings because me and my son are not his family,just wants it to be him and his dad.I cleaned both boys room and he tore up his and even took the clean pillow cases off his pillows because I put it on.Is totally disrespectful,has blown his nose on the wall,refuses to go to school if he dont want too.I dont know there is too much to put here.I have been reading about Disengaging and wonder if that would be the way to go now.His mother has said she doesnt want him but is also working real hard to cause problems here.She does not help by telling him things to do.He has been to therepy before and it doesnt seem to help.He now wants to move with her mother and says he will make everybody miserable until he gets too.Well any input will be appreciated!And to add once we had a pretty good family going on here till it all went crazy!!And we have tried talking to her but she just screams and cusses so THAT dont work..HELP

the best parenting information I got was through a parenting class called Love and Logic. There are books out that discribe this method. Basically it is having the kid take responsibility for the behavior. I have been doing love and logic for years and have never had to "disipline" my children because the disipline is built into the consquences of the action. The man who tought the class I went too actually is a foster father to troubled teens. He swears by it. Says that it works even when the kids don't give a s**t about you. I believe him. The hardest part is stepping back and not letting your emotions stop the natural consequences to happen. Also stepping back and saying "what you just did really bothers me, I need to think awhile about what I will do next." Then you can take your time to think of what natural consequences should logically be this can really make a kid squirm. He blows snot on his wall and trashes his room, well one he has to live with it and until he learns to take care of his stuff he gets no stuff. Period. No clothes, no games, nothing. Why should you as a parent pay for something he is going to trash. It makes no economic sense. Don't tell him this, just wait until he asks for something. Then calmly say "sorry hun, I love you, and would love to buy that for you but in good conscience I don't think it is a wise way to spend our money right now. I will be more then happy to get it for you when you learn to take care of the things you have right now." It is not saying he can't have it. In fact you would love for him to have it. But he has to take responisbility for his behavior. He will rant and rave at you. "I understand you are upset. That makes me sad but really right now I don't think it would be financially sound us to buy it for you. We will save that money for when you will be able to take proper care of it." He will rant some more. "yes I understand how you feel. I would feel the same way but....." he rants some more and you get tired of hearing it. "honey you are really getting into my space and taking up my time. When you do this your life can become extremely uncomfortable." Don't tell him why his life will become uncomfortable just that it will. If neccessary repeat this line. It won't take him long to get bored, to stomp off in frustration and slam a few doors. Ignore it.

That is just a sample of Love and Logic. Read the book it is an incredible system.
Zen

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The path is narrow to the right madness. Be wary of trembling in the wrong places! The demons often disguise themselves as gods. And vice versa.--Sam Keen

<font color=blue>What Zenobia wrote sounds like a fantastic solution. I wanted to add that the entire family may want to go to family counseling. Basically, he will learn how he effects others and everyone will learn how they effect eachother. I don't know if it is finacially feasible but I've heard great things about family counseling, too. I've also seem the dynamics in action in counseling classes. If this interests you it would be a good idea to look for a Family and Marriage Psychologist meaning one who specializes. That's your best bet if you go with counseling.

And I'm sorry you are going through such hell with him. I sense you feel desperate to change things. I also believe you must be hurting from how he is acting toward you. The kid sounds very angry. Well, imagine his own mother doesn't even want him. So, you and him share hurt feelings and anger. It happened to me, too, and I was so hurt it came out in anger when I was a teen. My mom rejected me and then I was so angry and was fighting with my dad a lot. He did acknowledge what my mom did hurt me badly. Took me years to get a grip on it but now I have a relationship with my mom. The one with my dad isn't as good, unfortunately.

Anyway, welcome to the forums. Hope you'll write more and give us updates. We are anxious to help and listen here. Take care, CQ</font color=blue>

<font color=blue>"Real glory springs from the silent conquest of ourselves." Joseph P. Thompson</font color=blue>

<font color=red>"Every creator painfully experiences the chasm between his inner vision and its ultimate expression." Isaac Bashevis Singer</font color=red>

<font color=purple>"Experience teaches slowly and at the cost of mistakes." James A. Froude</font color=purple>

You did not say much about your husband in this post. It seems to me, it is going to be mostly up to him if his son has any chance of changing. Your stepson seems very upset about everything (probably rightfully so). He probably feels bad when he sees you and your son together when his own mother is so distant. I hope things improve for you.