[DazedandConfused254]

Dear PC,

I have probably posted several threads about this topic in the last few months but I’ve just had so much difficulty turning off my critical inner voice and shaking off these feelings. I apologize big time in advance for this long rant but I feel like family here on PC and I look to you guys, so I trust that you can help speak encouragement into my plethora of problems. I am perfectly aware of many of my mistakes I’ve made with others and I work hard to prevent them, so what I need right now is not so much advice or pathologizing, but more simply to feel more deserving of love from others.

So I feel like I’m a rat of a person around the opposite gender. Because of my stupidity around women I would rather live alone in a remote desert and not see another soul rather than so much as speak to a woman. I could see my bad luck coming in high school and early on in college when I would fall for someone, and I feel that the attraction is mutual but when it came time to ask someone out I always received “lets just be friends ok?” Then the girls who actually did fall for me I felt glum about getting serious because they were going too fast for my style when I was about to start college and they would also get pretty clingy. Like one one of my friends kept asking me to take her to a play when I already had other plans and another made me feel guilty for not taking her to a prom when I already had plans for a family vacation.

I faced many of the same problems in college, but things got even worse when I have embarrassed myself with either saying something that ruffled someone’s feathers, scaring the crap others by sharing too much information or have made dating mistakes such as asking out dating girls, along with many other mistakes. While I was left single and shamed for every wrong move I have made people have mashed their romances in my face through social media and various annoying forms of PDA. No wonder I don’t hang out in social groups at my college anymore because people judge you and leave you in the dust for one wrong move. So now it seems like just being myself is equated to being doomed with women. Really? I don’t get it. I feel like I have a lot to offer because I have a wide variety of hobbies, like traveling the world (been to 9 countries), being a sports fanatic, hiking, and kayaking. People of both genders have adored me for being loving and respectful to everyone. But the risks of dating has become even scarier in the wake of the recent sexual harassment scandals, so I just have to walk on eggshells around women. I just feel like any relationship with the opposite gender will get me into trouble. My friends and family consider me to be a very handsome and decent guy, and most people are very comfortable around me. People have praised me for my social tact and conversation skills, even though I do have the occassional slip ups since I have introvert tendencies. But still I just don’t measure up. Unless you are the king of your social group, Derek Jeter, beyond a perfect 10, shallow or extremely extroverted, good luck with dating. These past few nights I’ve lied awake in bed for hours on end contemplating if women really like “nice guys”. I’m so irritated because people are just so shallow and it seems like the world is out to get me on every mistake I’ve made and every flaw in my personality. It’s like I’m the only person who’s looking for a loving healthy and deep relationship, and one that is not clingy, nagging, or very grandiose/borderline bragging. I guess “being nice” to women or being myself is all in vain.

Like I said I am so sorry for ranting but I feel like I am most undeserving of love and respect even if I’ve made small mistakes or have done nothing wrong. Am I too stupid and filthy of a person to even consider romance or making friends with women?

[mote.of.soul]

Hi DazedandConfused254. No need to apologize thanks, it's good to release those feelings.

I myself have only had a handful of flings and relationships in my life, the longest lasting two years, so I can't consider myself an authority or a 'love doctor' of any sort, but those relationships came about at the same time I first began to let go of my fears, set them aside, take the bull by the horns so to speak, throw caution to the winds, etc., and just see myself as a worthy person in general. If you have good looks or a nice kind of personality then that's good. And of course, for the longer term types of relationships you speak of, it pays to have some solid inner stability and prospects as well - which is where I keep falling short, ha - I blame my poor mental health for that. But my point is this; you sound like you really don't have a problem attracting prospective dates etc., but that it's your self image, your self esteem, self criticism, fear of making a mistake[!] saying the wrong thing[!] worrying you'll be accused of sexual misconduct[!!?] that is standing in your way. I do understand that those things are real within your mind, seem like major blockages, catastrophes[!], but if you can address them, overcome them, set them aside - and a therapist will help you in those areas - then life will begin to change for the better, as it did for me those times - and those times are some of the best times I've had. It's worth it my friend. You'll be okay, trust me.

[avlady]

yes i agree with mote.of.soul.

[SorryShaped]

Sometimes you might try foregoing your plans to indulge hers. Flexibility, I'm told, is an attractive feature. I understand not wanting to change vacation plans but had I the option of staying home alone while my family left for a few days so I could go party, I'd have chosen to party sans family

[vishva8kumara]

You may do every thing and in the end one small mistake makes you the bad guy in a woman's eye. They are ungrateful and hold grudges. Woman are narrow minded and only thinks about themselves. They treat people as things. They do not know how to appreciate a man. They get everything they want done and dispose you like nothing. They do not care about how others feel, but only how they feel, as if men do not have feelings.

When I see a woman and feel attracted, all this comes into my mind and I feel disgusted and already rejected.

[mote.of.soul]

Originally Posted by vishva8kumara

You may do every thing and in the end one small mistake makes you the bad guy in a woman's eye. They are ungrateful and hold grudges. Woman are narrow minded and only thinks about themselves. They treat people as things. They do not know how to appreciate a man. They get everything they want done and dispose you like nothing. They do not care about how others feel, but only how they feel, as if men do not have feelings...

No, that's not true vishva8kumara. Some of the most thoughtful, caring, considerate, loving people I ever met were women. But I understand, you're hurting. You just need to socialize a bit more, loosen up, and you'll be okay. There's probably someone out there for you, waiting?

[vishva8kumara]

I'm married. And now I think that was the biggest mistake I have ever done.

I wish I'm gay, but I'm straight and attracted to womankind. This is torture to feel this way. I wish at least I don't feel attracted to womankind.

In the end they all say it is my fault. The fault is being a straight man.

[DazedandConfused254]

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

Hi DazedandConfused254. No need to apologize thanks, it's good to release those feelings.

I myself have only had a handful of flings and relationships in my life, the longest lasting two years, so I can't consider myself an authority or a 'love doctor' of any sort, but those relationships came about at the same time I first began to let go of my fears, set them aside, take the bull by the horns so to speak, throw caution to the winds, etc., and just see myself as a worthy person in general. If you have good looks or a nice kind of personality then that's good. And of course, for the longer term types of relationships you speak of, it pays to have some solid inner stability and prospects as well - which is where I keep falling short, ha - I blame my poor mental health for that. But my point is this; you sound like you really don't have a problem attracting prospective dates etc., but that it's your self image, your self esteem, self criticism, fear of making a mistake[!] saying the wrong thing[!] worrying you'll be accused of sexual misconduct[!!?] that is standing in your way. I do understand that those things are real within your mind, seem like major blockages, catastrophes[!], but if you can address them, overcome them, set them aside - and a therapist will help you in those areas - then life will begin to change for the better, as it did for me those times - and those times are some of the best times I've had. It's worth it my friend. You'll be okay, trust me.

Thank you so much for your post! This is so comforting for me to read. I've read this response a countless number of times today. Thankfully I already have found a professional counselor at my uni (did I mention FREE?!) who has been a tremendous listener and life giver so far, and I'm sure that she will continue to provide support in this mess. But your response makes things even better!

[DazedandConfused254]

Originally Posted by vishva8kumara

You may do every thing and in the end one small mistake makes you the bad guy in a woman's eye. They are ungrateful and hold grudges. Woman are narrow minded and only thinks about themselves. They treat people as things. They do not know how to appreciate a man. They get everything they want done and dispose you like nothing. They do not care about how others feel, but only how they feel, as if men do not have feelings.

When I see a woman and feel attracted, all this comes into my mind and I feel disgusted and already rejected.

I am so sorry to hear about these bad experiences my friend. I'm with mote of soul in that some of the most considerate and thoughtful people I've met are women, but after enduring rejection and witnessing some pretty nasty words and action from women I understand what you are going through. Like I said in my most recent reply these responses have helped me feel better about myself but still in my OP I can most def relate and understand what you're going through.

[mote.of.soul]

Originally Posted by DazedandConfused254

Thank you so much for your post! This is so comforting for me to read. I've read this response a countless number of times today. Thankfully I already have found a professional counselor at my uni (did I mention FREE?!) who has been a tremendous listener and life giver so far, and I'm sure that she will continue to provide support in this mess. But your response makes things even better!

You're very welcome DazedandConfused254. Oh that's great you have a counselor [free, even better, yes, ha] and so you're fully on the right path. I'm happy for you, it's going to be okay, you'll see. It's a bumpy journey sometimes, as you know, but it can be a very amazing journey too. Thanks DazedandConfused254, you'll progress, I can see that.

[WlBv]

Yes I completely agree with Mote.of.soul I use to have some of the same feeling that you have had. Where I did want a long term relationship and just wanted to be in a long loving relationship and its all I wanted. When i really dug deep I realized I just wanted to be in a relationship to cover up my insecurities. i would judge girls and the guys they would be with and wonder why they don't like me, then I turned the mirror on myself. I worked on myself I started waking up earlier, working harder, reading books, meditating and I started to like myself. Because before I had habits of playing games all the time, watching things I shouldn't, and not living my best life, and by not reaching my full potential I sub consciously hated myself. Ask any girl and the one thing they like the most is a man who has self confidence and they can tell with in 5 minutes (many times even shorter) how much confidence a guy has in him self. When I stated to work on myself next thing I saw was girls would text me back more and wanted to go out with me more. My advice is understand why you feel like you don't deserve love and you would say those bad things about yourself and work on yourself. Also don't desire being in a relationship because there are many problems you don't see on the outside. Just work on yourself and your confidence because when you are comfortable with yourself you don't need a relationship to define you and then if one comes a long then it's even better

[DazedandConfused254]

Originally Posted by WlBv

Yes I completely agree with Mote.of.soul I use to have some of the same feeling that you have had. Where I did want a long term relationship and just wanted to be in a long loving relationship and its all I wanted. When i really dug deep I realized I just wanted to be in a relationship to cover up my insecurities. i would judge girls and the guys they would be with and wonder why they don't like me, then I turned the mirror on myself. I worked on myself I started waking up earlier, working harder, reading books, meditating and I started to like myself. Because before I had habits of playing games all the time, watching things I shouldn't, and not living my best life, and by not reaching my full potential I sub consciously hated myself. Ask any girl and the one thing they like the most is a man who has self confidence and they can tell with in 5 minutes (many times even shorter) how much confidence a guy has in him self. When I stated to work on myself next thing I saw was girls would text me back more and wanted to go out with me more. My advice is understand why you feel like you don't deserve love and you would say those bad things about yourself and work on yourself. Also don't desire being in a relationship because there are many problems you don't see on the outside. Just work on yourself and your confidence because when you are comfortable with yourself you don't need a relationship to define you and then if one comes a long then it's even better

Thank you so much for your response. I can relate 100%. Someday I hope to be in a loving relationship but most of the pressure to have one originates from my insecurities around others, as I have quite a few fears of saying the wrong thing, or being "perfect", as well as all the cultural pressure. My reasons for finding love are gilded, precious gold on the outside, but internally there's fear and self-doubting; everything nasty. I guess some of the friends I've had and movies I've seen aren't very positive influences. I can easily say that I've become more comfortable with myself over the last few months but I still fight off painful memories with women and as you could see I get into phases where I don't feel worthy. Hopefully its all in my head. Thanks so much again!