I'm ruining my relationship and I can't stop...Please help

Hi everyone...This is my first post to the forum and I appreciate you guys taking the time to read my post and offer suggestions I'm really struggling and can't find anyone who understands or can help me figure things out so this is kind of a last ditch effort.

This is probably going to end up a lot longer than intended, but there is just a lot of information to put out there in order to paint the full picture accurately. Here goes...

My husband and I had been together from the time I was 17 and he was 19. I got pregnant with our son my senior year of high school and if I'm perfectly honest, it wasn't an accident. I've always had attachment issues from the time I was a little girl and once I was able to pull away from my mom who I was always extremely attached to I quickly realized I was putting effort into seeking attention from guys and took the rejection if it happened pretty hard. My dad wasn't around much when I was growing up and if he was he was usually arguing with my mom or drinking/drunk. My mom was great and took really good care of my older sister and me, but she was a complete enabler and never made either of us take responsibility for ourselves or our actions. I think she was especially like that with me since I'm the youngest and was always very demanding.

Things weren't really ever good with my husband and my relationship. He comes from a dysfunctional family also and they have a lot of substance abuse issues. They're also quite well off financially. He and I developed early on a very co-dependent relationship and we honestly had an unhealthy obsession with each other. Along with that unhealthy obsession was an even more unhealthy obsession with what the other one was doing and who they were doing it with. We both got very controlling and started to put strict parameters on each others lives which I now realize wasn't a loving thing to do, but rather an abusive thing to do. I became addicted to the drama that came along with our relationship, fell back into anorexia, panic attacks and then apparently thought the best way to keep this relationship going and make it better was to get pregnant. Completely stupid I know

We had our son and stayed together as a couple. My husband asked me to marry him and we got married when our son was about a year and a half old. Because we were so young we were living at my parents house and because of how I was raised I was afraid to move out and live like adults on our own so I wanted to stay with my family as long as possible. I was overwhelmed with being a mom and a wife at such a young age and felt I needed the round the clock help my mom gave me. My husband got tired of this and started going out all night and wouldn't tell me where he was or he would go stay at his parents house when they were away but wouldn't say that was where he was going to be. I later found out he had been hooking up with an ex girlfriend from high school. My husband joined the military after finishing school and deployed a lot with the Air Force National Guard. We purchased a home not far from my parents and our son and I would stay with my mom and dad almost exclusively when my husband travelled for work. He put his military and education experiences to good use and applied for a federal agent position with the government and got that job in 2007. It was an amazing career move for him and we were very proud of him.

In 2010 he had to have shoulder surgery and developed a serious addiction to pain meds. Between the pain meds and the being away from home for months at a time he started drinking heavily as well. Long story short...this began a long road of addictions and cheating repeatedly that took a huge toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally. After finding out he had been contacting escorts in the summer of 2016 and then getting a DUI I decided I had had enough and knew that even though I didn't want to leave him it was necessary. There was too much back and forth between my parents and our home for our son and he was struggling with anxiety big time by this point which is completely understandable.

After my husband got out of rehab I told him I was done with the relationship, but remained close with him. I really wanted to see him fight to get his family back and prove to us how much he cared, but he almost immediately relapsed and this time is was far worse. Because I was so broken and so desperate to get that closeness to someone I have always craved I guess, I started another relationship right on the heels of separating from my husband. In keeping with my amazing choices in life, I got together with a friend of his who also had a wife and 3 kids, but I knew his relationship with her was basically nonexistent except for the kids. This is where it gets really messy and when I figured out how messed up the years of cheating and emotional abuse I took from my husband had made me.

The guy that I started dating and am still with is the most incredibly warm, caring, kind, loving, supportive man I've ever met. My family is head over heels for him because of how he treats me and it's just blatantly obvious to everyone how much he loves me. He has told me over and over how he and his wife weren't good for each other from the beginning and his family and friends have all said the same thing. He's 8 years older than I am (I'm 35 and he's 43) so when he started dating his wife in his 20's he really wasn't rushing to marry her. He purchased a home and didn't invite her to move in with him, he did most things on his own or they would do them in groups and not often together as a couple and then she and her family started to really really put pressure on him to propose. He was 28 or 29 and all his friends were getting married and having kids so he said he reluctantly caved to the pressure and married her even though everyone knew it was a bad decision. He said he knew he wanted two kids and didn't want to have them when he was much older than early to mid 30's so he just jumped in feet first. After they had the second one he said what little of a relationship they did have was pretty much completely gone, however her MO was always to not work so she told him she was on birth control and got pregnant with the third. He wasn't at all happy and actually told her he didn't want her to even continue the pregnancy, but she wasn't hearing it and they had their first girl. Shortly thereafter he she found out she was pregnant with their fourth and he lost it. When he confronted her about the birth control again, she said it must have failed just like it failed the last time. He obviously saw right through that story. She had an IUD put in after she miscarried that baby early on.

By this point their relationship was purely a roommate kind of relationship and the only time they did things together was when they had to with the kids. He worked all the time, did house projects and spent time with his friends. She has apparently always been difficult and miserable, but it's gotten worse with time. He said by the time he and I got together that he had been out of love with her for at least 5 years and he had no problems detaching from her whatsoever. I had a much much more difficult pulling away from my husband and still struggle with it even now.

My biggest problem and issue and what is destroying our relationship is my insecurities. I have so many of them it's not even funny. I literally pick his brain apart almost every single day and he is so patient and understanding with me but I can see I'm really starting to wear him out and he's developing pretty bad anxiety because I constantly hound and harass him and don't believe anything he's telling me because to me it "doesn't make sense". Here are some of the things I ask repeatedly and get mad about...

- How often did you have sex?
- How could you have sex with someone you don't get along with or have never felt strongly about even in the beginning?
- Why would you have kids with someone you aren't totally in love with?
- Why was she good enough to stay with until I came along?

Then when he tells me that even when things were "good" they only had sex maybe once a week and then later on in the marriage it was once a month if that and sometimes it would be half a year they would go without doing anything, I get mad and focus on the once a week and then I get stressed out and mad and angry and lash out at him because I don't understand how you could be having sex with someone once a week and not be totally into them. It makes zero sense. Then I really get on him about the kids because I don't like kids, but I really get uncomfortable around his kids because he has kids with her and I feel threatened by that or like they have some connection he and I don't. He and his family keep trying to explain to me that kids aren't necessarily a representation of people being close. My family tries to tell me the same thing. My parents really couldn't have gotten along any worse than they did and do and they had us and are still together because it's "easier" my mom says.

My ex husband and I were a lot closer, did much more together and had a far more frequent intimate relationship than they did. We just didn't want more kids so he had a vasectomy. Her deal was to keep having kids and then she wouldn't have to work. She still refuses to work and wants him to keep paying for all of her expenses on top of the kids expenses. He sees his kids every other weekend from Friday at 5:30-Sunday at 2:00 and it drives me crazy!!! I am so insecure and so upset that he has a little girl with this woman I can't even tell you. The two boys don't bother me at all and maybe that's because I have a boy, I don't know, but the little girl is almost a deal breaker for me even though this guy is so amazing. I have no problems with him, but I have major issues with what comes along with him and maybe I question his integrity or his sincerity or his judgement... Again, I don't know.

Is all of this because of my attachment, self esteem, years of betrayal issues or am I just an insane person? I honestly have no idea anymore but I'm ruining everything for everyone because I'm stuck in this constant state of misery and refuse to let the past go or be ok with the fact that this man had a life before me. I'm so insecure over the fact that he had an intimate relationship with someone else and it kills me to think they were ever having sex once a week. He and I have sex multiple times a day usually and we've been together for two years. I have an emotional connection to him and he has an emotional connection to me like neither of us has ever experienced and I've never ever been treated how he treats me and I can feel how much he loves me when he looks at me or hugs me or holds my hand. Why am I doing this and how do I stop? I don't want to not be with him but I don't know how I can be with him. Please help... Nobody seems to be able to offer any insight or put any perspective on this and I feel worse and worse every day

Thank you all for taking the time to read all this. I know it's ridiculously long and I even left a lot out...sigh

Are you in therapy? It sounds like you could really use it. You went from one relationship to the next, and never gave yourself any time to process the last one and heal. It seems like you're carrying a lot of baggage and issues into to this new relationship. You need to address this all with a therapist to heal yourself so you can fully move forward.

And try to keep your insecurities to yourself. It will eventually push him away, no matter how loving he is. These are things that need to be addressed with a therapist. Stop questioning him on his marriage. Frankly? It's not your business to keep probing as you are and questioning him. It's not fair to him. Please stop for your own sake and his. What he did in his marriage should really be no concern of yours, unless he was a cheater and you didn't trust that he wouldn't cheat on you.

Hello Overthinker: Since this is your first post here on PC... welcome to PsychCentral. One other forum, here on PC, you may wish to check out would be the attachment disorders forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/attachment-disorders/

You may also find the healthy parenting forum to be of interest:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/healthy-parenting/

And then here are links to 10 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may be of some help:

How 3 "Attachment Styles" in Childhood Impact Your Couple Relationship? 1 of 2 | Neuroscience and Relationships

The Impact of Childhood "Attachment Styles" On Couple Relationships? 2 of 2 | Neuroscience and Relationships

What We Know From Studies of Intimacy and Attachment | Neuroscience and Relationships

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...achment-style/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-at...relationships/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...-style-change/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/dont-as...rase-the-past/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-heal...with-jealousy/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...nful-emotions/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Thank you both for your replies and links, I really appreciate them!!

I guess what's so weird to me is when we first got together none of this was an issue at all, but then about 9 months to a year into it I started to get really weird with everything. I would have assumed it would have been the other way around, but it seems like it's getting so much worse with time instead of better. Made an appointment with an EMDR therapist to see if that type of therapy helps since talk therapy usually only makes me feel worse.

Sometimes it can take a long time for issues to surface. I am glad you are seeing an EMDR therapist, but I think a psychotherapist would also help too in order to talk through the issues you face. (((hugs)))

Welcome to PC. I do my share of overthinking and it really goes damage relationships. Not to mention we drive ourselves crazy. I hope you do have a good therapist who can work with you through all of this stuff. I wish you the best of luck.

I agreed Therapy is really needed to help you unfold why you are insecure enough to possibly end what seems like a great long lasting relationship.

Please do address your problem with his daughter in Therapy soon .... as mentioned his past is his past and there is no reason to know everything.


Welcome to PC

It's super great you understand you have issues and you're trying to work through them, that's a HUGE deal. If you aren't in therapy, I highly suggest you find someone.
I'm not gonna lie, I have 3 personalities and 1 is jealous AF. She constantly wants to know where our husband is and how often he's came in 1 day with an ex (it's less than me BTW, super yay!- lol). Anyway, this is what I heard from a previous ex and I love it.

Less history, more mystery.

That means, don't dwell on each others pasts.
Think about you and your family 1 year from now. Is he there? Is he depressed? Is he not in love with you because you are clearly and deliberately sabotaging your relationship. You don't feel good enough, flat out. You need to be true to yourself and accept yourself. Then, you need to accept that he loves you and accepts you for you AND your past.
If he can get past your past, why can't you get past his?
No one, NO ONE will last forever in your life if there's a wedge in every relationship because of insecurities. You'll go through men until you wear them down and they leave. Drama is a hard one to lose an addiction to, but try to find something calming. Music, yoga, massage, wine tasting, whatever, and center yourself and accept yourself and before throwing up drama all over this perfect man, talk to yourself, YEP, talk out your questions and the responses you're expecting. Because, truth be told, you want his past relationship to be better than yours. You can conquer the world if you try!
Hang in there! Every day when I'm having a hard moment, and I have anger and an attitude, people are stupid and it annoys me, I tell myself, 'this too shall pass'. I try to literally imagine water rolling off my shoulders, rolling off a ducks back. I try to visualize a rock being lifted off me, dirt being thrown over me instead of on me. It helps but it takes time, hours... days.
Remember you're worth love and no one on the planet is like you. You're 1 in 7 billion. So shine like a star.

I agree about seeing a therapist. You've been through a lot

Welcome to PC I hope you find everything that you're looking for. It takes a lot of courage to post on here. I have similar feelings about therapy, and I actually did EMDR for a little over a year. I hope it does exactly what you need it to do. Therapy really can work wonders And as far as relationships go, a lot of times we see what we want to see in the beginning of them, and only as time progresses do we finally see the relationships for what they are.