[Merope]

For a few years now, ever since my eyes were opened, I have been insanely angry with my mother. This anger I have towards her has led me to seek therapy and it does help, but what I'm struggling to shake off is the guilt I feel about being so angry at her in the first place.

The worst thing is...she doesn't even know, or if she senses any anger/coolness on my part, she doesn't know the reasons why.

Just for context, the reasons are very far-reaching. She in covertly manipulative, insecure and narcissistic (partly because my biological dad was abusive and my stepdad cheated numerous times). She was very controlling when I was growing up, always diminishing any feelings on my part that weren't in accord with hers. She and my stepdad always seemed to be against me and there were also instances of covert sexually inappropriate actions that I won't go into now. In short, my parents never respected my boundaries or me as a person.

She doesn't know me. Like, at all. She has this image of a "daughter" in her head, but it hardly corresponds with the real thing. We disagree a lot and every time we have an argument she acts like the victim. She has ways of instilling guilt in me just by looking at me. She is also very needy and contacts me every day (I'm in my 20s). If I don't respond, she panics and it infuriates me like there's no tomorrow.

My T thinks a lot of the anger I have towards her stems from her letting me down. She spins a web of lies just to make herself look better and recently I found some things out that threw me off balance completely. The stories she has been telling me my whole life are literally a minefield of lies and now I don't know what's real and what's not when it comes to the stuff she says.

I don't hate her. In fact, I probably love her more than I love anyone else in the world. In many ways, she's like a child and I feel responsible for her wellbeing. Every time we talk on the phone and I am cold and distant, I end up feeling absolutely terrible afterwards as if she's this fragile little thing that can't deal with anything she dislikes.

Our relationship is superficial and I'm struggling to let her in. Sometimes I can't stand to be around her, which kills me because she is my mum and I love her.

Does anyone have any experience with this sort of thing? I tried talking to her but it's no good. My therapist agrees that telling her this probably won't help because she's not in a place to hear it/understand it (emotionally speaking). I need to find a balance between protecting myself from her, but also keeping her happy. The thought of her thinking that I no longer love her makes me feel horrible. I just don't know how to be around her anymore.

[goldiemom]

I can speak on the mom side and the daughter side
There are only two emotions in the world: love and fear. The negative emotions stem from fear like anger and hate. So you might look at why you fear your mother. The shifting sands of lies and smears cause fear. Its only because my mother has done so much work and takes meds that i can have any kind of relationship. I dont say anything i cant handle repeated. Also adult children can build an image in their mind that is not accurate like that mom is hyperjudgmental and wouldnt approve of their choices when in fact they themselves dont approve of their own choices and might find the inkling that they are not as in control as they believe frightening. Or perhaps you just think differently from your mom and she cant handle that. Im autistic spectrum and my mom is narcissistic. I could care about people or appearances. My mother condemned me for that and I believed i was a horrible person because I wouldnt make the effort to be dishonest and phony. I still have massive trouble with all my relationships because i dont lie well. Its demanded and thats probably the worst discrimination one can face. But if you stay honest and simply treat others as you would like to be treated and realize you are doing that for yourself because ultimately how we feel about others is how we really feel about ourselves to some extent. And the forgiveness we show others is directly the amount of forgiveness we show ourselves. So I forgive because I know I need to forgive myself this is so important. I suffered for years till this sunk in. You dont need to apologize unless you feel you do but you can just start fresh with your mom and i always tell my mom lets talk about whats going on today. And realize she probably doesnt understand her problems. Just sigh and there is no such thing as superficial relationships. You are there and thats what matters. Superficial is the best. History is overrated. Tell her how you feel about the past and how she treats you calmly and kindly hug her and ask her to work on it and move on. Moms love to do things for their kids. Maybe buy her a book. When you get older it can be hard to see how you act and women have it hard hormonally. Makes you nuts

[downandlonely]

I struggle with my relationship with my mom too. We got along better when I was a kid, but when she went through menopause, the hormones triggered bipolar. Now when she's manic, she gets irritable and mean, so much so that I can't stand to be around her. When she's depressed, she can't get out of bed, but I actually get along better with her when she's like that. I know she is taking meds and doing therapy and working on getting better though. And I know she cares about me.

Sometimes I feel like I don't love anyone though, not even my mom. It's something I have struggled with for a long time.

I had a mom with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, diagnosed by a psychiatric nurse. My mom believed she was an angel. I don't mean someone who never does anything wrong. I mean she thought she was an angel from God. And she was the nastiest person I ever met in my life. Manipulative, controlling, lying, judgmental. And she took joy in hurting others. But she had a group of people whom she was soooooooo nice to. So those people thought she was wonderful. I get it. I know this person you describe. They know nothing about you, yet label you. My mom would trash me to my face, then turn around and brag about how I was the first one in our extended family (she had nine siblings) to go to university. So she hated me, but bragged about me. She just never bragged about me in front of me. I completely understand your situation with your mother. I completely stopped all contact with my mother when I was about forty years old. And I never looked back. But she continued to do things to hurt me even then.

[MickeyCheeky]

((((Everyone)))) I'm sorry to hear these negative experiences. The relationship with our mom can really affect our life... personally, I don't think you "owe" her anything if she treated you that way... I'd say that perhaps the wisest move is to move on.

[TishaBuv]

My mom told me at seventeen, “if you go out tonight don’t ever come back”. I went out and didn’t come back. She never called me again. I went back after six months and she acted like nothing ever happened.

Incidents like this happened several times over all the years, once when I was about to give birth. It was always me who called her.

Now here we are again, this time it’s final. She will never call me again over my taking offense with being very hurt by other family members. I will not call her. That’s it for my family and me.

Looking back, I am so sorry I went back at seventeen. Cruel, narcissistic family. Love/hate, nothing lasts, nothing means anything. Let the clock run out.

Let mine be a cautionary tale.

[happysobercrafter]

My mother was narcissistic also, plus sadistic, cruel psychopath. I am damaged for life; I know that now. I don't give up on trying to get better but it is a daily battle.

Moving on is not easy to do and I have been in recovery and therapy for decades, plus I work on myself daily.

There are Millions of us in the world!