[xiximmxi]

I thought I'd jot down how to spot toxic people...
Feel free to add other cues that we should all be aware of!


1. They are not happy for you when something good happens to you.
2. They never "approve" the new people you bring around and don't ever try to get a long with them.
3. They have no idea how Give & Take works; they only give back enough to keep you around.
4. They blow you off without good reason.
5. They make you feel excluded when you're with other people.
6. They are nicer to you when they need something.
7. They don't defend you when you aren't around.
8. In fact they talk **** about you.
9. They stop communicating with you when there is a disagreement.
10. And makes no effort to make up.
11. And never apologizes.
12. It's all about what they want to do when you guys are hanging out.
13. They never initiate contact / get back to you.
14. The friendship would end if you stopped trying.
15. They gossip about other people to you all the time.

Wow! What a great list. Very accurate. It's the same with relatives. I called a cousin I hadn't seen for a long time. When I brought up visiting each other, I asked if she had a car. Her reply was: Oh I drive, I just don't drive very far.

She said this knowing I lived about 40 minutes from her. So she made a declaration that she wouldn't be making that long drive. That meant I had to drive to her if we were to visit. To me this states: I'd love to visit you, as long as I don't have to lift a finger.

I think it's easier to just not visit each other at all. To me, it sounds like it's a bother to make an effort to make a visit. So I doubt I'll ever see that cousin again, because it's simply not important. So your list includes what I just described. If you, Claire, want this relationship, Claire, you have to do all the work. To me, that's not a relationship, that's a convenience of companionship.

Here’s a list I compiled on toxic people’s traits that I am copying from a blog article I wrote on how to deal with toxic people:

-Toxic people are typically chronically negative people. They are often the naysayers in life, are chronic complainers or whiners, they play the victim constantly, everything is always everyone else’s fault, they are never to blame, and their lives are often full of highly dysfunctional/broken relationships and/or constant drama.
- They can be envious and jealous of other people. They don’t want to see others doing better in life or to feel better than them. They are commonly deeply and inwardly insecure about themselves, their own abilities and accomplishments and therefore, feel inferior other people.
- They typically are the takers in a relationship as opposed to the givers. A relationship with a toxic person is often one-sided and imbalanced, weighing in their direction. They typically talk mainly about themselves, rarely asking or truly caring about how you are or what is going on in your life.
- They frequently ignore, disrespect and disregard your feelings.
- They also can exhibit an inflated ego and will flaunt their accomplishments or show off.

[BadWolfC]

In other words, basically every friend I've ever had. Can't say I'm surprised though.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm glad this thread exists. Hope more people will be able to acknowledge and recognize toxic behavior, and know how to react accordingly.

[xiximmxi]

Thanks for pitching in guys!
Oh and -

They only hit you up last minute because their original plan was cancelled or couldn't make any other plans.
They also give you back-handed compliments.

I’m curious.. are you talking about fake people or toxic people? They’re both different. Fake people are superficial friends but may not be toxic. Toxic people impact your mental health negatively, they draw you into their negative drama, and they suck you dry of your energy. They make you feel worse after being with them. There’s a difference.

[xiximmxi]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I’m curious.. are you talking about fake people or toxic people? They’re both different. Fake people are superficial friends but may not be toxic. Toxic people impact your mental health negatively, they draw you into their negative drama, and they suck you dry of your energy. They make you feel worse after being with them. There’s a difference.

Hmm... Honestly, I didn't really think about this. Haha.
I thought fake people are toxic, and toxic people are fake; one cannot be fake but not toxic and vice versa.

Humans don't waste very much energy on people who they KNOW they like or dislike. Understanding that someone is not your friend (doesn't have to be an enemy) is way less stressful than being friends with someone but feeling unsure whether they're truly on your side.

When you're "friends" with these fake people that makes you doubt, you're constantly having to look for their actions, reactions and approvals, putting in enormous energy to decipher whether they are people you want to keep in your life or not, which exploits you greatly and over time. These ambivalent relationships are the worst!

Originally Posted by xiximmxi

Hmm... Honestly, I didn't think about this!
I think fake people are toxic, and toxic people are fake; I didn't think one can be fake but not toxic and vice versa.

Humans don't waste very much energy on people who they KNOW they like or dislike. Understanding that someone is not your friend (doesn't have to be an enemy) is way less stressful than being friends with someone but feeling unsure whether they're truly on your side.

When you're "friends" with these fake people that makes you doubt, you're constantly having to look for their actions, reactions and approvals, putting in enormous energy to decipher whether they are people you want to keep in your life or not, which exploits you greatly and over time.
These ambivalent relationships are the worst.

I see... I see how fake ppl can be toxic if it impacts you negatively.

[lilacsnow]

Originally Posted by xiximmxi

I thought I'd jot down how to spot toxic people...
Feel free to add other cues that we should all be aware of!


1. They are not happy for you when something good happens to you.
2. They never "approve" the new people you bring around and don't ever try to get a long with them.
3. They have no idea how Give & Take works; they only give back enough to keep you around.
4. They blow you off without good reason.
5. They make you feel excluded when you're with other people.
6. They are nicer to you when they need something.
7. They don't defend you when you aren't around.
8. In fact they talk **** about you.
9. They stop communicating with you when there is a disagreement.
10. And makes no effort to make up.
11. And never apologizes.
12. It's all about what they want to do when you guys are hanging out.
13. They never initiate contact / get back to you.
14. The friendship would end if you stopped trying.
15. They gossip about other people to you all the time.

Yikes. Quite a few of those are traits of someone really close to me.

What about fake family? Sometimes family can treat you worse than anyone.

[xiximmxi]

Originally Posted by clairerobin

What about fake family? Sometimes family can treat you worse than anyone.

I've def seen this before actually -
They can't even break free or cut them out of their lives because they're "related," and you "don't turn your back on family."
All you can do is grin and bear it.

I think this can be very confusing and painful, as you expect your family members to love and accept you unconditionally...
My thoughts go to people who are dealing with this right now.

You aren't alone.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by xiximmxi

I've def seen this before actually -
They can't even break free or cut them out of their lives because they're "related," and you "don't turn your back on family."
All you can do is grin and bear it.

I think this can be very confusing and painful, as you expect your family members to love and accept you unconditionally...
My thoughts go to people who are dealing with this right now.

You aren't alone.

You actually can turn your back on family. Payback’s a B!

Originally Posted by xiximmxi

Thanks for pitching in guys!
Oh and -

They only hit you up last minute because their original plan was cancelled or couldn't make any other plans.
They also give you back-handed compliments.

Ah, now I understand why a friend invites me at last minute and other people ahead of time. The people whom she originally invited couldn't come. A backup friend is a fake friend.

Adding to the list:

If someone exaggerates in her compliments or appreciation of you in speech, and it is not matched by her actions, watch out. Some people are more expressive and intense, so something that sounds like exaggeration is not always insincere. However, if her behavior does not match up with her words, that is a fake friend. If you or one of your friends catch her giving you dirty looks/ rolling her eyes, or she acts in any way that is contrary to her words, that is a fake friend.

Look for any inconsistency between her words and her actions.

Thank you for opening this thread.

[xiximmxi]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You actually can turn your back on family. Payback’s a B!

Toxic people are toxic people - let's not feel obligated to love and be loved by family just because people decided to propagate

[xiximmxi]

Originally Posted by ennie

Adding to the list:

If someone exaggerates in her compliments or appreciation of you in speech, and it is not matched by her actions, watch out. Some people are more expressive and intense, so something that sounds like exaggeration is not always insincere. However, if her behavior does not match up with her words, that is a fake friend. If you or one of your friends catch her giving you dirty looks/ rolling her eyes, or she acts in any way that is contrary to her words, that is a fake friend.

Look for any inconsistency between her words and her actions.

Thank you for opening this thread.

Yep, I think some truly are wolves in sheep's clothing.

This may be off-topic but I thought below article sums it up pretty well.
I assume men experience this kind of toxicity more frequently.

Bullies or Best Friends? The Challenge of Interpreting Interpersonal Relationships

"...I witnessed a lot of name calling, degradation, humiliation, and exclusion... was harshly criticized and one or another’s masculinity was regularly challenged based on what was said (or not said) and done (or not done)... One of the things I noticed was that while no one was immune from attack, certain targets appeared to be favored. One among the group seemed to be persecuted more than any of the others."

[s4ndm4n2006]

between this and your other post that I've read I can't help but ask, maybe you're focusing too much on what you don't want rather than what you want in friends. I know that this is a criticism but one that I am trying to be constructive about.

It's easy to set up a list of things that make you want to end friendships but I find that listing negatives on anything comes easily to most people.

Just a thought but maybe focus on the things you look for in friends and make an effort to look at those things more, you'll find more quality people in your life. I do not say this without self conviction because I know too well how easy it is for me to point out things in the people I don't like while my real true friends, I take for granted and don't spend time thinking about why I get along with them so well but... gosh darn it, I should.

Hope this doesn't come out sounding harsh but sorry if it does.

[TishaBuv]

3 Ways to Identify a False Friend - wikiHow

I love these WikiHow articles. I’m learning How To life from them!

[xiximmxi]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

between this and your other post that I've read I can't help but ask, maybe you're focusing too much on what you don't want rather than what you want in friends. I know that this is a criticism but one that I am trying to be constructive about.

It's easy to set up a list of things that make you want to end friendships but I find that listing negatives on anything comes easily to most people.

Just a thought but maybe focus on the things you look for in friends and make an effort to look at those things more, you'll find more quality people in your life. I do not say this without self conviction because I know too well how easy it is for me to point out things in the people I don't like while my real true friends, I take for granted and don't spend time thinking about why I get along with them so well but... gosh darn it, I should.

Hope this doesn't come out sounding harsh but sorry if it does.

It's definitely easier to spot flaws and negatives; it probably doesn't help that I am very picky about who I want to spend my time with..so I'm constantly evaluating if they're worth my time and energy.

But oh what a great advice!
You should start a thread: "How To Spot Good Friends"