So I have this friend that I'm close with who reminds me a lot about how I used to be.

He's a great person but is struggling a lot with his mental health. He comes from a broken home where his parents treat him like crap. He writes lyrics and makes death metal. Heck, he's a damn good musician and could probably do something with his talent if he had the money for better equipment. We have so much in common it's almost scary. His parents tried to have him locked up in psych wards all because he wrote metal lyrics at a young age and they thought he was devil worshipping. Yet, he is one of the kindest most down to earth people I have ever met.

Anyways, fast forward to present day he has trouble finding/holding down a job. His family has him so messed up that he has constant anger issues/outbursts. He flat out told me that the only thing keeping him from beating the **** out of his father was because he doesn't want to bring his suffering onto his enemies. I met him at the community college I go to he was taking classes trying to do something with his life. He seemed more stable there. Unfortunately, he lost his financial aid because he had trouble getting to a class on the first day because of the piss poor public transportation we have here combined with the fact he has to walk 2 miles through meth head territory where he fears for his well being just to get to the bus stop. He got kicked out of the class and has to pay the school $600 back. He couldn't afford it because he was using his financial aid refund to help with bills and he gave money to his mother to pay some of the bills because the electric was getting shut off but she decided to blow money on drugs instead. His homelife is so chaotic that his father is picking fights with him over stupid crap like who gets the first cup of coffee. His father flat out tried to bait him into a fist fight all over a cup of coffee. How messed up can you get?

I'm worried about him because he got kicked out of school and he was texting me about how his plans are ruined and he just doesn't care about life anymore. He was talking about how he doesn't care if he lives or dies. I was able to calm him down yesterday and I've tried to give him resources to get help. Even got a hold of my old case manager from back when I was on a short term housing grant to try to get him on the grant and away from his crazy family. The case manager even said he would pull some strings to get him on quickly. Problem is he said he has trouble getting his thoughts organized enough to get help. He also said he's afraid of being locked up for life because of how messed up he is. Also he is so poor right now he can't even afford a bus pass. I told him I would buy him a 30 day bus pass when I get my money. I am prepared to move mountains to help him but he needs to take the first step.

How else can I help my friend?

[mote.of.soul]

Hi,

I think you're doing plenty as it is, DarknessIsMyFriend. It's good that you're there for him. Yes, some peoples struggles just don't seem fair at all, but I think just continue being you and being his friend. You're right - his family life sucks. It's saddening. Also, I feel it's okay that he vents about not caring whether he lives or dies, I mean, just having a friend that he feels safe enough with to share his personal thoughts with, will help him in the long run, I believe.

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

Hi,

I think you're doing plenty as it is, DarknessIsMyFriend. It's good that you're there for him. Yes, some peoples struggles just don't seem fair at all, but I think just continue being you and being his friend. You're right - his family life sucks. It's saddening. Also, I feel it's okay that he vents about not caring whether he lives or dies, I mean, just having a friend that he feels safe enough with to share his personal thoughts with, will help him in the long run, I believe.

Thanks.

I just don't want him to do something stupid, you know?

I mean his father deserves to have the crap kicked out of him but I don't want my friend to do something like that and get in trouble.

[mote.of.soul]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

Thanks.

I just don't want him to do something stupid, you know?

I mean his father deserves to have the crap kicked out of him but I don't want my friend to do something like that and get in trouble.

Sure, I understand.

I think as long as he has you there for support, he'll be less inclined to boil over into violence. I do believe that. Just be the voice of reason with him.

[Ella68]

You are being supportive by listening and encouraging him.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

So I have this friend that I'm close with who reminds me a lot about how I used to be.

He's a great person but is struggling a lot with his mental health. He comes from a broken home where his parents treat him like crap. He writes lyrics and makes death metal. Heck, he's a damn good musician and could probably do something with his talent if he had the money for better equipment. We have so much in common it's almost scary. His parents tried to have him locked up in psych wards all because he wrote metal lyrics at a young age and they thought he was devil worshipping. Yet, he is one of the kindest most down to earth people I have ever met.

Anyways, fast forward to present day he has trouble finding/holding down a job. His family has him so messed up that he has constant anger issues/outbursts. He flat out told me that the only thing keeping him from beating the **** out of his father was because he doesn't want to bring his suffering onto his enemies. I met him at the community college I go to he was taking classes trying to do something with his life. He seemed more stable there. Unfortunately, he lost his financial aid because he had trouble getting to a class on the first day because of the piss poor public transportation we have here combined with the fact he has to walk 2 miles through meth head territory where he fears for his well being just to get to the bus stop. He got kicked out of the class and has to pay the school $600 back. He couldn't afford it because he was using his financial aid refund to help with bills and he gave money to his mother to pay some of the bills because the electric was getting shut off but she decided to blow money on drugs instead. His homelife is so chaotic that his father is picking fights with him over stupid crap like who gets the first cup of coffee. His father flat out tried to bait him into a fist fight all over a cup of coffee. How messed up can you get?

I'm worried about him because he got kicked out of school and he was texting me about how his plans are ruined and he just doesn't care about life anymore. He was talking about how he doesn't care if he lives or dies. I was able to calm him down yesterday and I've tried to give him resources to get help. Even got a hold of my old case manager from back when I was on a short term housing grant to try to get him on the grant and away from his crazy family. The case manager even said he would pull some strings to get him on quickly. Problem is he said he has trouble getting his thoughts organized enough to get help. He also said he's afraid of being locked up for life because of how messed up he is. Also he is so poor right now he can't even afford a bus pass. I told him I would buy him a 30 day bus pass when I get my money. I am prepared to move mountains to help him but he needs to take the first step.

How else can I help my friend?

It sound like you are doing everything you csn. Can you contacted adults social services? Sometime just being a listening ear is enough.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

Hi,

I think you're doing plenty as it is, DarknessIsMyFriend. It's good that you're there for him. Yes, some peoples struggles just don't seem fair at all, but I think just continue being you and being his friend. You're right - his family life sucks. It's saddening. Also, I feel it's okay that he vents about not caring whether he lives or dies, I mean, just having a friend that he feels safe enough with to share his personal thoughts with, will help him in the long run, I believe.

I agree with everything that you said.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

Thanks.

I just don't want him to do something stupid, you know?

I mean his father deserves to have the crap kicked out of him but I don't want my friend to do something like that and get in trouble.

I agree. Some time just being there is enough.

Originally Posted by Buffy01

It sound like you are doing everything you csn. Can you contacted adults social services? Sometime just being a listening ear is enough.

I contacted my former case manager from back when I was on a youth program that helped me with housing. I aged out of the program but he's still young enough to qualify for help.

Doing what I can he just needs to take action.

[divine1966]

Just listening and being there for him could do wonders. You are a good friend

Originally Posted by divine1966

Just listening and being there for him could do wonders. You are a good friend

Thanks.

I'm trying so hard to develop into a kinder and more empathetic person.

Maybe my work is now bearing fruit?

If anything, I'm nothing like how I was 2 years ago.

Sorry your friend is struggling so badly. There are things that a person needs to work out for themselves. Letting your friend know that you are there when he needs you, is invaluable. Encourage him to seek resources and explore safe and alternate routes to get what he wants. Time and money could always help and, how much of each he is willing to invest in himself. If he isn’t, than neither should you be. And I think it is ok to let him know that. I believe the saying is “spend a dollar to save a dime”, but wouldn’t it be better if we could spend a dime to save a dollar

PS if your friend is in danger of physical violence I suggest that he is encourage to avoid those situations as best he can and work to better his situation. Yes, I believe he may need to take action but ultimately he needs to make that decison.

Originally Posted by AB2371

Time and money could always help and, how much of each he is willing to invest in himself. If he isn’t, than neither should you be. And I think it is ok to let him know that. I believe the saying is “spend a dollar to save a dime”, but wouldn’t it be better if we could spend a dime to save a dollar

He literally has no money to his name and no income. He is too unstable to hold down a job right now honestly.


When he was a student, he was completely dependent on financial aid to pay what living expenses he has. His family is on Section 8 housing and live in a really bad neighborhood. His father might even be a drug dealer.

Like you know how bad it is? His father threatened to kick him out on the streets in 20 degree ice and snow weather over a freaking burrito. I mean, a burrito! WTF?

So yeah I'm not going to refuse to help my friend. I know what it is like to be in such a position. Before my mother passed away, she had me so messed up from her lies and abuse that I couldn't hold down a job no matter how hard I tried. I know how it feels to be in such a hopeless state where you feel so powerless to do anything. Unlike other people that always expect those who are suffering the most to work and struggle the hardest, I am going to fight to ensure nobody that I know has to go through the same hell I had to.

I will give him the tools to help himself and ride his *** until he uses them though.

I think you are good guy and your friend is lucky to have you in his life. I only say try not to enable him to not work for himself, and don't let him interfere with your life or stop you from your own dreams and goals and what not. Ive heard fights start over less, "A meatball sub" for instance, or a person "looked at me wrong", or one time I saw a fight break out in a pizza place and still don't know what caused it, but it was brutal. Like a real live fist fight, scary. There was blood and some pretty bad contact made. Maybe they were f over a soda or a girl, who knows. But, yeah, so, it probably is in your best interest to keep your friend around and out of gangs and such. At some time in your life, you may be glad that you did.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

I contacted my former case manager from back when I was on a youth program that helped me with housing. I aged out of the program but he's still young enough to qualify for help.

Doing what I can he just needs to take action.

I understand! Sometimes people who want help don't use the help we offer. Have you ask the case worker to contact and assure your friend what will not happen to him of he accepted the help your offer?

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

Sure, I understand.

I think as long as he has you there for support, he'll be less inclined to boil over into violence. I do believe that. Just be the voice of reason with him.

That is great advice!

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Ella68

You are being supportive by listening and encouraging him.

That true! Sometimes that all you need. Just be sure that you are taking yourself. Your not intentionally bringing you down.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

Thanks.

I'm trying so hard to develop into a kinder and more empathetic person.

Maybe my work is now bearing fruit?

If anything, I'm nothing like how I was 2 years ago.

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now!

I woke up this morning to find out my friend's father was telling him he's a ***** for not going through with killing himself.

He needs to get out of that toxic environment now. I can't be available 24/7 to calm him down when he gets upset like this.

[healingme4me]

You're only one person, of course it's too much to be expected to be his only lifeline.
And it sounds evident that his homelife is playing biggest role in his emotion state of mind.
Living in an abusive home does bring about depression no doubt. How the ideation plays itself out comes in many variations. Of course he is angry and ideating up a storm.
How to help resources may be tucked away in domestic violence literature. ? The literature that discusses why victims stay stuck in the cycle. Maybe read there for some tips for you? In reference to how to be supportive?

Originally Posted by healingme4me

How to help resources may be tucked away in domestic violence literature. ? The literature that discusses why victims stay stuck in the cycle. Maybe read there for some tips for you? In reference to how to be supportive?

Where do you suggest I start looking?

There are so many books and articles out there with varying credibility that I wouldn't know what to read or where to start. All I know how to do is relate his own struggles with mine since I also grew up in a broken abusive home.

Pretty much all I've been able to do is temporarily calm him down when something/someone upsets him and cheer him up a bit with internet memes.

[healingme4me]

I'd probably start with the national hotline site. I was trying quickly to scan what's out there-not much for outside the environment friends and family. At least saw briefly that for Adult Children living like this, applying these concepts is appropriate. There's the hotline number which it's on that page. It was suggested to help with setting up a safety plan and noted there are crisis counselors available 24/7.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I'd probably start with the national hotline site. I was trying quickly to scan what's out there-not much for outside the environment friends and family. At least saw briefly that for Adult Children living like this, applying these concepts is appropriate. There's the hotline number which it on that page. It was suggested to help with setting up a safety plan and noted there are crisis counselors available 24/7.

Thanks. I will give it a try.

The only thing I'm worried about is my friend has difficulties trusting the mental health system. He was locked up in psych wards as a child because he wrote lyrics for metal songs and his grandmother thought he was a psycho and devil worshipper because he liked hard rock/metal and had him hospitalized. He is afraid of getting locked up for life if he's honest to mental health professionals.

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

Where do you suggest I start looking?

You are a good friend. And remember that sometimes you can't do anything. I agree with you that he has to get out of that environment.

It is a little hard to know where to look not particularly knowing more about your friend but..

- how about the Samaritans? If they can't help him I am sure they have resources for him (or if you want to call) Samaritans |. At one point in my life I volunteered for a similar local program and if we couldn't help we had a network that probably could.
- Not sure if he is religious or would be willing to go to a local church and talk about his problems.
-Search on google for youth programs in your area -- just found this one Statistics on Homeless Youth in America | Covenant House

I wish I knew a specific answer but often times these things are local.

If his dad is a drug dealer or you suspect as much call in an anonymous tip to law enforcement.

Thanks.

I really need a break from all of this for one night. I want to relax and enjoy myself tonight.

I'll revisit this thread after I recharge a bit.