Why the secrecy? Are my adult children embarrassed of me?

Some time ago I started a thread about my concern that my son was embarrassed about me. It turns out he has been in a serious relationship for a while now. One which I found out about by accident.

Well it hit me again with a double whammy. I wasn't even aware my daughter was in a relationship herself let alone serious enough she is moving in with this fellow. What? Are you kidding me? What the heck? Why? Then I find out my son is out of the country. Don't you think these are things you would tell your mother?

We talk weekly yet for whatever reason they choose not to communicate with me what is happening in their lives.

As per the encouragement and advice in my pevious thread I called my daughter out on this. She had no answer. Furthermore, when I told her I would bet on the fact her stepfather (they are too close for my liking) knows about what was going on in her and her brother's lives she admitted he did. I asked her why and all I got was a 'dunno'. Even my own father seems to know everything.

Look, it is no accident that such things have been left out of conversation. They have chosen to do this. I am really really hurt and a lot of negative thoughts are going through my head. I feel cruddy about myself and this triggered some depression yesterday.

I’m not exactly sure what the right answer is for this. I don’t want to minimize your feelings because I do know it hurts when your kids leave you out of things. But I do wonder if this is a common thing these days. People aren’t as “formal” about relationships anymore. Communication is becoming more and more superficial I think. I sometimes wonder if people value friendships and relationships in the same way. Our culture has shifted quite a bit in the past decade or so and I don’t always get where people are coming from anymore. Makes me feel old! Sorry for the rambling... I just wonder if this behavior from your kids is more about them than it really is about you. I keep myself very busy with my own things... My grown kids don’t tell me everything... and I don’t share everything going on in my life with them either. (((Big Hug))) to you.

I agree that it's hard to interpret. I really don't know what to say... I'm young and I would tell my mom such important news (and if I didn't, it would be out of shyness, but that'd be valid for both parents). I understand that you'd feel hurt ((((WishfulThinker66))))

Some questions to maybe ask:

How do I respond to things when they did tell me in the past? (Supportive or critical kind of responses?)

Are the others in the family that know around them more physically rather than just in contact over the phone? (Lots gets left out in phone conversations I have personally noticed)

Relationships are tough & a lot ot times when we find out we didn't know something , that left out feeling hits. I have learned to not let it bother me. My daughter hates talking on the phone so will only text a little here & there. We live 1100 miles away & haven't seen each other in almost 12 years. Sometimes we just have to accept relationships with them on their terms if we want to have a relationship with them.

I was wondering, too, if you have a history of being too opinionated about what they do. My mother was very critical, so I got to the point where I told her very little about what I was up to.

I agree. If my mom wasn't critical in her way she would react in her emotional way that tried hard to make me feel guilty when it was her issues. Got so she knew nothing about me because I wouldn't communicate with her.

I have a friend now who feels that when she is told something she has to come up with the solution then gets hurt when it is not a solution that works for the other person. I am very selective what I communicate with her about things because I just don't want to out up with how she reacts. Her kids do the same thing. She was so involved in their lives growing up when they didn't have much of a choice but now.....they do & they choose what to share too & don't communicate with her often.

Very very good questions. I am trying recall just that back over the years.Yes, there was a time we were not the closest and we really didn't communicate at all for the animosity they expressed towards me (when I left their step-father they chose his side and were really quite cruel towards me). Perhaps during that period as a result I did in fact find it difficult to be happy about some of their choices. I feel awkwardly badly for this. Anyway, you gae me some food for thought here and unfortunately the answer in my head isn't exactly positive.

Still, you both have provided me an answer to which I am grateful. Though unfortunate, I am looking upon this as encouragement to change things.

((((WishfulThinker66)))))

It wasn't until I realized (in general) how I reacted to my daughter that I was able to change my reactions & apologize for what I had done. One can apologize but if they see the same actions they question the sincerity of the apology.

Yes, sometimes it does come down to figuring out what we might have done because trying to make them feel guilty for not including you may only make things worse not better if that was similar to their past experience with you.

Ugh, relationships are so very complex when there isn't really good communication & only communication at surface level