How does one maintain a healthy virtual relationship?

There are scammers and good people in every culture. Not sure what to think of this.

Not sure what your looks to do with getting a date. Good looks isn’t a requirement for anything.

She might not be scamming for money but she is likely scamming to get to the US. Otherwise why a full time employed woman with a young child spends all day every day chatting to a total stranger. Who even has a time or attention span for that? What for? But if you feel that it’s a right thing to do then just be careful.

My looks, or lack thereof seem to be a significant requirement for dates and even friendship. At least in my experience. Maybe I am reading it wrong, which is entirely possible.

She doesn't talk all day every day. Mostly it is in my evening before work for her or in my morning after she gets home. She will often message during lunch and sometimes during her work day when it is slow.

I don't know how to explain it, we message slowly. Maybe a flurry of messages in 5 minutes and then only one or two the next hour. It feels like we talk a lot even when we don't really. I can reread what we wrote in a morning and it often takes 30 seconds to do it. Weekends are either constant messaging or video chat or pretty much nothing besides saying good morning. She has an office job with a lot of the time it is just copying data from one report and putting it into tax forms. In my field, it takes significant concentration to be productive and I can do multiple things while working, well when I was able to work. She did get some new responsibilities to learn so talk at work has been significantly reduced.

What for? I get the impression she is very bored and lonely. It is all moot, until or unless she gets a visa and she wants to wait until spring so she can make the trip and not get stuck there. If she doesn't get a visa it is just an online friendship with no risk. You are probably right that no one would be interested in me without an ulterior motive.

I do wonder if the reactions I have gotten would have been the same if she lived across the country.

Let's say she is interested in living in the US, which is very possible. Does wanting to move here preclude her liking me?

She would be committing years of her life to living with me if she got a green card via the 'fiance visa' program, which she doesn't even qualify for having not met me yet in person. The program kind of creeps me out to be honest, it makes it difficult to date "properly" and it seems to me that it gives the US citizen a lot of power over their spouse for years until they can get citizenship.

She does seem more interested in knowing how I live, how my days go and if she fits in my home. She told me she is not interested in 'tourist BS' but has done some research on my city and has a small list of things to see which would take maybe half a day. Other than that, it is just talk about spending time together finding out if we are as compatible as it seems we might be.

Is there harm in allowing her to visit for 10 days to see if we do match and then her going home? Should I not even give her a chance?

Oh ok maybe I misread I thought you said you talk 10-12 hours a day. That’s insane. I guess I misread.

She needs to stay married to you only until she gets green card, not citizenship. Green card might take about 2 years, sometimes less sometimes more. Not a long commitment. After that they are free. Many do just that.

No harm in any of it.

If she lived across the country the meetings would be sooner and more frequent. You’d face a chance to actually get to know her before commitment. And you wouldn’t have to sign that you’ll fully support her until she gets green card. Same country is entirely different story. But long distance is hard regardless how far

No harm in her visiting for a few days a tourist, but be VERY careful before filing a K1 visa for marriage. If she comes to the US and you get married, even if she leaves you or scams you are FINANCIALLY responsible for providing housing for her and paying any debt she incurs for 10 years. Even if you don’t know about it or approve it, it is legally your responsibility. It’s become very common for women from Eastern Europe to marry a guy on the Internet, come here on a K1 visa, and then leave that guy for someone “sexier” and simply create debt for guy #1. She literally could leave you the day after the marriage, and she’s already a legal resident. You would have to go through the long and expensive process of filing for an annulment and waiting for the courts to take their sweet time— while being responsible for her. You also have to meet certain income and job requirements in order to qualify for a K1 visa. Have you made sure you meet those? I would just be very wary about her intentions before moving forward with her. There are so many horror stories out there.

I have read many of them and am wary but maybe it is worth the risk. I have more than enough income, more than twice what is required. I have never read about employment requirements but I am basically retired military so I doubt that is an issue.

I have let my daughters and a few sisters read a bunch of our chat logs and they think she is sincere and at least worth meeting. If she does visit, I will see if she really is more interested in me and my home life or going out more. She really hasn't asked or hinted for anything from me other than attention and we have many hundreds of hours of conversation.

I guess all I can do now is try not to screw things up, which is difficult, and see how a visit goes if it happens and go from there. This is really triggering my anxiety and paranoia and with further thought, I think I also need some distance as the poster who said I have 'too much of me' invested is correct. Socializing is very difficult for me and this is much more difficult.

I know I have been argumentative but if the bulk of responses gave me the green light I would argue against that. It is a personal failing. I really do appreciate the responses and time taken and will use the advice to hopefully navigate this properly.