Panicking the day after a date. What’s going on with my brain?

Yesterday I went on what I’m fairly certain was a date – I say this because we met through a dating app. We walked around for a little while, then went to have a drink and talked for a few hours. At the end of the evening we kissed goodbye before going our separate ways. I had a fun time and I’m fairly sure they did as well (based on body language etc.) and they’ve also messaged me since (they contacted me first). So far so good, right? The problem is that today my brain has not allowed me to relax (and not in a good way). I’ve felt what I’d define as a low-level anxiety in my head for most of the afternoon, which, among other things, has made it really difficult to concentrate on stuff.

On some level, it feels like my brain has been panicking and is trying to convince me to run away and I’m not sure why. I didn’t see any red flags yesterday that would cause me to panic – as I said, we both seemed to enjoy ourselves. I haven’t dated in a long time; this would be the third person I’ve dated in about 3 years and I didn’t date any of them for very long. I guess maybe I’m feeling uneasy because dating is unfamiliar to me and I’m not sure what I should be feeling, but what can I do about this? Just freaking out and pushing this person away isn’t really going to do anything in the long run, especially if I’m just going to feel the same thing whenever I next date someone.

For reference (in case it makes a difference), I did know this person prior to the date. We met about 3 ½ years ago and actually dated for about 2 months shortly after we met, but we’d both been dealing with our own personal dramas at the time, so we called it off after a couple of months – it was their decision, as they didn’t feel the time was right. We stayed friends, but didn’t see each other much, as we’re in different social circles. Another friend recently persuaded me to download a dating app, so I was scrolling through it for the first time, saw this person and (honestly not expecting anything) “liked” them and we matched. We talked for a bit and that brings us to the above. If nothing else, I’d like to know WHY I’m feeling this and what I can do about it. Any thoughts? Please help.

Tl;dr I’m freaking out after going on what felt like a good date, and I have no idea why.

Trust your instincts, Chapper. Your subconscious has determined that this person is a threat and is waiting for you to listen.

Sometimes my depression masquerades itself as a feeling of dread/anxiety/panic.

As I was first reading, I came away thinking maybe it's just jitters because it went well until I read along further to this guy previously ending things because the timing wasn't right

I see what you're saying, but what if I told you I had the same feelings the last time I dated someone? I gave in to the panic and we stopped dating. Since then though, they've become one of my closest friends and they've been nothing but nice to me in the 1 1/2 years I've known them, so I don't know if it's because I think they're a threat.

I suppose I'm just worried this'll happen every time I try dating someone and I don't know how to get to the bottom of this.

In their defence, their "drama" I mentioned was that they'd recently come out of a 5 year relationship. Having never been in such a situation myself, I've no idea how long it takes for someone to get over it, but I didn't think of it as an unreasonable thing for them to not want to jump back into dating someone right away. As far as I know they didn't date any else for a year after we stopped seeing each other either.

I don't have all the information, but I don't think they were being malicious.

((((DapperChapper)))) Do you see a therapist?

Hi, Mickey.

No, I don't. I did briefly have counselling about 4 years ago for an unrelated issue, but I haven't had anything like that since. Is this something you think I should look into?

Trust your instincts, if, and only if you have a track record that shows that your instincts are right in most cases. The truth is, there are a lot of other things that can trigger anxiety and panic outside of being instinctual.

Not knowing what your patterns are, your typical reactions to things, I would not jump to the conclusion that this is the case.

Do you have a pattern of running away from something that seems too good to be true? Do you have the expectation consistently that says the worst will happen? How do you view yourself, do you expect women to be trustworthy or not? Look at yourself and consider whether this is based on habitual fears or if it's based on reality.

On the surface at this point, I would say you're pointing out it went well without highlighting any warning flags so likely it's based on a fear of either it "not working out" or other things that would make you expect the worst.

I’m reluctant to trust my instincts, because I don’t have much experience in this area, so my instincts aren’t really based on anything. Even in general I’m not sure how much I even use my instincts. Normally I try to be someone who weighs up the evidence before making a decision and doesn’t just jump to conclusions. Making a snap decision isn’t something that usually makes me comfortable, which is why I don’t like the idea my brain is trying to coerce me to run away.

My general lack of uncertainty is what’s getting me here. I just have no idea whether what I’m feeling is rational and I’m not sure what course of action to take. If I decided to (panic and) push this other person away, who’s to say whether it’s the right decision? Am I just going to go through the exact same thing whenever I next try to date someone?

Do I have a habit of running away from things that seems too good to be true? I’m not sure. When I started my new job, I was pretty anxious a lot of the time (thinking my co-workers hated me and that I was going to be fired), but I’ve been there nearly 6 months now and I’m a lot more relaxed about it. That’s kind of the only relevant example I can give though, as, most of the stuff I do, I’ve done for a long while, so I’m more certain of that. I’m apprehensive when I start new things, but I try to persevere if I enjoy them and give them a try to get a fair feel for them. I always want to trust people, unless they give me a reason not to, so I'll tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Apart from giving this a fair chance, is there anything I can do to help myself in these situations? Is there a trick to managing the anxiety?

Oh I wasn't emphasizing to trust your instincts, if that's how you interpreted my first line. What I was doing was emphasizing that you should only trust your instincts if you know that they've been pretty accurate in the past. [/quote]




if you decide to see how things pan out with her, I don't think you're making a snap decision in any way and I don't think that letting something happen rather than reject the idea is at all rushing things. But I feel by the way you describe things that in your mind, NOT pushing this idea away is somehow the polar opposite and is committing yourself to this, it's not. there is a middle ground where you feel things out, wait and see and let things happen without 100% giving yourself to the idea of anything solid yet. Do you deal with a lot of black and white thinking in other areas of your life?



Lack of certainty, facing the uknown and the risk of getting hurt whenever you are getting into any relationship is a fact of life. It is not a unique thing that only you're experiencing but whether you let it stop you from finding out if it could be a good thing or not, is what you need to face. No one is going to be certain of how things will turn out with anyone they date, or get into a relationship with. heck, people that get married don't know how the rest of their lives will go down the road! Accept that this is part of the risk we take in deciding to date or get involved then figure out how you'll cope with the fact that it can be scary at times.



you kind of answered your questions right here. You are apprehensive and anxious with new things. Everyone is to some extent but the intensity level is different depending on who you are. So it's ok to feel apprehensive with this new situation. It's new, it's unknown, it's risky. But are you wiling to take that risk for the possible reward of having someone special in your life or would you rather play it safe, but alone?


Well what you're doing here is part of what you can do to deal with anxiety. talk to people, ask, analyze it, but in the end, decide. Decide to see this through (not assuming commitment but just to wait and see if she is indeed one you want to go further with) or to walk away but in the end, decide. If you decide to wait, then be final about it and don't flounder about. if you decide to let it go and walk away don't dwell on the idea that it might have been good and ruminate about it.

Finally, your anxiety based on what you've said is the fear of the unknown. That's ok but just figure out if you're going to let it stop you or not and then face it. Seems to me that you have no evidence based on your past - the only reason you parted ways was timing and it was mutual. The "match" on a dating app, which is not the end all but does say a little about common ground between you two, and thirdly, the fact that the date sounds like it went well. Everything is positive so all you've got left really is facing the fear of the uknown.

Dont' make a quick decision based on fear, take your time, be patient and just see how things work out. It may be that she's not right for you but hey, wouldn't you rather be sure that's the case before you walked away?