[Eleny]

I have been in a relationship with a guy with borderline personality disorder for just under a year. I experienced 7 suicide attempts in that time, along with his severe depression and anxiety, and huge amounts of manipulation and control. At one stage I started to think the only way out of this relationship was if I died. Last night after another suicide attempt over the phone to me, I decided I was done. Once his family and the police had located him, I sent a message the next morning to tell him I simply can’t go on with the relationship. Although I know I’ve made the right decision for my own sake, I am haunted by guilt and sadness. He is currently in hospital following his suicide attempt and his family are with him and I just feel so horrible that I’ve left him, but I’ve been through this so many times and I can’t take anymore trauma. He was also very verbally abusive at times and controlled me to the point I felt guilty for having friends.

I just wondered if I could get some advice on what to do with all this sadness and guilt I now feel. I was supposed to be getting therapy, but I’ve started a new job and am struggling to work it in around my schedule as I finish late in the day. I feel I need support to deal with all of the pain I feel but I don’t know what to do.

[Keinta15]

First of all, you did what you needed to do and I congratulate you for that. I was in this exact situation a few years ago, and let me tell you, it gets easier with time. I know schedule must be tight but do try to get profesional help to help you get pass this situation, also try to have close friends and family around you to ease the pain. Find a hobby so your mind doesn't succumb into the guilt.

Again, you did what you needed to do for yourself, anything your ex does is NOT your fault. I am proud of you.

[Eleny]

Originally Posted by Keinta15

First of all, you did what you needed to do and I congratulate you for that. I was in this exact situation a few years ago, and let me tell you, it gets easier with time. I know schedule must be tight but do try to get profesional help to help you get pass this situation, also try to have close friends and family around you to ease the pain. Find a hobby so your mind doesn't succumb into the guilt.

Again, you did what you needed to do for yourself, anything your ex does is NOT your fault. I am proud of you.

Thank you so much for this. Do you still think about the person or have you stopped over time?

[Keinta15]

Originally Posted by Eleny

Thank you so much for this. Do you still think about the person or have you stopped over time?

I do, from time to time she comes into mind. But the feeling of hurt that came with it has faded away. It took me a while, and a lot of help from my friends and therapist but I made it. She has also contact me and even tho I can't forgive what she did, I don't hold any grudge towards her and I just treat her as I would any other person.

Something I'm grateful about this relationship is that, it taught me how to love myself after ending it.

[Fuzzybear]

You stuck around as long as you could. We all have limits. I struggle with mixed feelings of guilt (for distancing myself from an abusive person) and relief (that I no longer have to be close to that person). But he cannot use his depression as an excuse to abuse another human being. I really hope he heals because there is obviously so much pain inside his heart. But you can now let him go because 1). You are important. 2). He has a family who will take care of him. Keep him in your thoughts and prayers and leave him in his family's hands. Helping him will only place you in an unhealthy situation. He is not ready for a relationship until he overcomes his own struggles. You sound like a sweet, compassionate person to care that much, and I hope you will find a good man and happiness in the future.

[Eleny]

Thank you for the support and kind responses. Things took a nasty turn and he basically started a smear campaign against me online. He sent lies, hateful abusive messages and intimate personal details about me in a group chat we were both in that I’d forgotten to leave. He did the same to my brother, and also made up lies to turn him against me. I was completely publically humiliated, and I have flashbacks all the time of the things he said. After that came the apology emails on new accounts he made. Apologising so much but still ultimately blaming me for everything. I now feel so ashamed and so guilty. I feel humiliated and I feel like the worst person in the world. I feel I am to blame for everything and completely worthless. Last night I woke up after having nightmares and thought I could hear someone at the door, I convinced myself it was him trying to break in. I checked and no one was there but this is how I live now, in fear, crippled with shame and guilt and anxiety. I have changed my number and email and blocked him and his family everywhere I can. I saw a therapist but she had no availability after our first session, her only availability was weeks later and it was very disappointing. (I’ve seen her before and she’s great but has limited availability). I guess that hurt a lot as I really needed the support and I’ve no idea where to find a good therapist. I feel so very alone.

Eleny,

It's naturally sad when a relationship has to end. Your sadness is normal, as well as your guilt because he had attempted suicide many times and you ended it after the last time. However, do not feel guilty for leaving an abusive relationship and for taking care of yourself, foremost, and most importantly. He was abusive and unstable. You had no choice BUT to leave.

And that is absolutely horrible what he did to you. No excuses and apologies do not matter. I am glad you blocked him. PLEASE do NOT blame yourself for anything. He is laying that on you, and you are accepting the blame. You are NOT to blame. He is for being so unstable and abusive!!!! People cannot help having mental health issues, but they can help being abusive. It is a choice and he chose to abuse you. In no way are you to blame for any of his behaviors or abuse!!!

You did yourself a huge favor by cutting this A-hole out of your life. You don't need that and you certainly do not need guilt or blame.

Please do pursue therapy if you can. ((((hugs))))))

[eskielover]

His behavior was nothing less than emotional blackmail on you done specifically to get you to feel guilty.

Stay strong & fight this effect it is having on you because there is absolutely no LOGICAL reason for your guilty feelings.

EVERYTHING he has done is ALL his choice. No one can make anyone make the choices he has made & used to manipulate you. You sure weren't holding him at gun point & making him do what he did. It was all his choice & way of manipulating into feeking guilty like you are doing.

Ah yes, the fear is real though because if he has done this crap to you, you have no idea what else he might try. I went through that fear after catching the home care person abusing my mom when my mom was dying of cancer back in 2004. I lived in fear of what she might do & where she might show up even after going to the police & filing a report against her. It just took time of nothing happening that finally reinforced that she had disappeared. It took me several years to put my fears to rest along with the PTSD that whole trauma caused.....but that is a separate issue from your guilty feelings you are dealing with.

Fight allowing emotional blackmail by someone to ever make you feel guilty.