[Deyla2324]

I recently got home from work, I had an ok day. My brother broke up with his boyfriend and we talked a lot throughout the day about our break ups and the things we both thought were wrong about our relationships. So I kind of had some time to vent out of how I’ve been feeling in the last month since my break up. I was feeling fine and just thought I’m fine I’m starting to feel better and I’m not going through this alone and I have someone to go out with if I feel like I want to go out. Then I go on Fb and I deleted him but I still have his son because I really had a good relationship with him and it felt wrong to unfriend him; and I see a picture of him, his sons and his dying mother and my heart just dropped and I instantly called him. I know I should not have but it felt like I had to. I didn’t know her because she has alzheimer but I know he always go really upset when he talked about her. There’s something about this man that no matter what I want to be by his side. I was saying today, “I wanted to get back with him but when we were together I didn’t want to be with him”, I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time. My previous relationship, we were together for almost 3 years, we broke up I was sad for about a month and quickly got back to my life and it was done. Then I started talking to this one 9 months ago, started dating 6 months and a month later I feel like is day one. I have easier days than others but I always think of him, I get really anxious when I think that I might see or hear something about him. I lived in PR for 8 years and I’m contemplating to move back to the states. I never felt like I wanted to move back. I don’t think I was even so in love with my previous relationship as I am right now with a guy that didn’t treat me well. I feel like I’m loosing my mind and that it is most definitely something wrong with me. Out of the guys I’ve been with he is the worst (including my ex husband who got into a relationship with my best friend)... I really would like to be able to talk to someone that helps me understand what’s going on with me. I totally understand everything, that he is not the right one, that things that happened were not right, that the things he would tell me hurt more than being slapped, that I was happy only a small fraction of the times we were together and that we fought every week. I don’t know, I really don’t!!! 🥺

[healingme4me]

It could be codependency talking?
I think it's ok to reach out and extend words of kindness with your ex's mom's illness. At the same time the talk of rushing in to move closer to him and 'love' seem a bit out of place considering how poorly he treated you. Hence my writing that it could be the codepency(which is common in toxic relationships) talking.
When I think of codependency as I learned of it ages ago it's a need to rescue/nurture/save at the detriment to ones own peace of mind. To become utterly absorbed and enmeshed.

[Deyla2324]

I think it must be some kind of dependency and that I don’t want to feel alone but I never been through this and I don’t really know how to deal with that. I have an appointment with a social worker on Tuesday and I hope I get one with a psychologist soon. I need help with learning how to deal with what I’m feeling and maybe learn how to take care of myself and build my self esteem. I woke up feeling nervous as if something happened and thinking of him and I’m sick and tired of going through this. I want my normal me back!

Originally Posted by Deyla2324

So I kind of had some time to vent out of how I’ve been feeling in the last month since my break up.

One month is not that much time to get over someone you have fallen for. Try to let your logical brain help you get through this. That you recognize the problem is good but once you feel like you have figured things out (it's good that you are trying to do this right now) then hopefully, you can move on.

Yes, one month since the breakup isn’t a lot of time. What you’re feeling is perfectly normal. I agree that no matter what emotions you may be feeling, do use your logic. He’s bad for you and hurt you. Focus on that aspect. It does sound like co dependency talking.

[Deyla2324]

If there is something I can’t deny ia that he hurt me pretty bad. I thought so many times wth am I doing with this guy? Every time he did something nice he would messed up so bad. I put up with more than all my relationships combined and I still wanted to be with him. It’s funny but not really that I recall all the moments that were supposed to be special for example my birthday on October he woke me up with “the mañanitas” and followed with birthday sex and he literally said come and blow out your candle, I rolled my eyes when I heard the words come out of his mouth, no need to say that just to satisfy himself, the following day he takes me out to celebrate my birthday and didn’t bother to ask what I wanted to do he just took me to a place he’d been wanting to go. It was never about me! He did some nice things at the beginning when he was trying to get me to go out with him, that’s how I ended up with him but I realized that it was his tactics. I write and I can’t believe that is me who I am talking about. I don’t know if what I feel is being in love or what the hell is going on but it affects me so bad that before I opened my eyes this morning I was already thinking about him and I felt so miserable all day at work thinking why I called him last night. I shouldn’t be thinking if he is hurting or caring about anything about him. I just want to move on! I always been a sad person, things that are considered normal to everyone are not for me. Tonight I went out with my brother, co-worker and son and I had such a good time and I’m so relaxed and this is how I want to feel not just tonight. I don’t think I’m asking for a lot! I just want to move on!!!