For various reasons that I won’t go into... hubby and I have spent most holidays on our own... for more than 10 years it’s been this way. It took me years to stop feeling sad about the mother’s days, father’s days, Thanksgivings and Christmases, etc. by myself or just with hubby. I don’t mean to sound pitiful... hubby has been perfectly fine with it but I was quite broken hearted for several years. But I have gotten used to this and I really enjoy quiet holidays with hubby and our own quiet traditions with no outside pressure or expectations.


Now that one of the kids has had a baby, all of a sudden there is an expectation for family holidays. I don’t want this anymore and I feel guilty about it. I don’t want to spend the time, energy and money for something I got over not being able to do years ago. I don’t feel one bit inclined to put myself through all this work and expense and it feels like I am being really selfish.


I want to spend lots of quality of time with the grand baby and I am very supportive of their little family. I am happy to buy gifts for baby but I just don’t care about putting on the big holiday show. They live out of town so it means lots of work feeding and entertaining everyone for days.


I feel quite torn about this. It sounds terrible but my main concern at this point in life is making sure I put away money for my retirement and emergencies, etc. I sacrifice a lot for this - no vacations and watching my budget for quite a while now. My job is very demanding and wears me down... I have my own interests and hobbies and volunteer work... I have other commitments now. I am afraid to stop investing my efforts in my own self care because I worked so hard to be happy this way.


But everybody I know keeps saying how I need to put up tons of holiday decorations and spoil the baby, etc.... and the thought of it all is just exhausting and makes me feel a bit resentful.


Anybody else been in this kind of situation?

[MickeyCheeky]

((((Sisabel)))) I'm sorry you're struggling. I don't think you need to put up a big show for family holidays. I think simply spending some time with your family (even just a day) would be enough to make them understand that you'll always be there for them. Does your family know how you feel about this? Perhaps you can reach a compromise with them.

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

((((Sisabel)))) I'm sorry you're struggling. I don't think you need to put up a big show for family holidays. I think simply spending some time with your family (even just a day) would be enough to make them understand that you'll always be there for them. Does your family know how you feel about this? Perhaps you can reach a compromise with them.

No I’ve never said anything. It’s been long and complicated. It has been easier to accept it and take responsibility for my happiness.

[WishfulThinker66]

There is no law saying you are required to buy gifts and be extravagant as a hostess. There is no award or medal for doing so. Try to see this then that you have no obligations.

Must it be you who hosts a shin-dig? Might you suggest going there instead? How far away is this baby and family? Are you able to make the visit a day trip? You might have to end up giving up some of your alone time but be the one to dictate in what manner that will be.

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

There is no law saying you are required to buy gifts and be extravagant as a hostess. There is no award or medal for doing so. Try to see this then that you have no obligations.


Must it be you who hosts a shin-dig? Might you suggest going there instead? How far away is this baby and family? Are you able to make the visit a day trip? You might have to end up giving up some of your alone time but be the one to dictate in what manner that will be.

Unfortunately it can’t be a day trip. That would make it easier.

I guess I feel I will have failed if I don’t live up to the expectations of others. And, logically, I know that’s not rational.

So, it can't be a day trip and you will have to host family for several days because they're out of town? Can you take turns hosting on a holiday so you can have a break? Maybe there is a compromise you can reach?

[healingme4me]

Maybe there's a path to simplicity in decor where safety and chocking hazards are concerned?*cough, cough*? Besides if your grandbaby is as little as they sound they might be, this wouldn't be the year for all the bells and whistles as it is?

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Maybe there's a path to simplicity in decor where safety and chocking hazards are concerned?*cough, cough*? Besides if your grandbaby is as little as they sound they might be, this wouldn't be the year for all the bells and whistles as it is?

Lol that’s funny! Yes you make a great point. This year is a freebie. There’s also nothing wrong with simplicity so it’s not rational of me to work myself up over all of this.

Originally Posted by golden_eve

So, it can't be a day trip and you will have to host family for several days because they're out of town? Can you take turns hosting on a holiday so you can have a break? Maybe there is a compromise you can reach?

You are right. There should be a good compromise and there’s no reason for me to assume I must take on all the responsibility.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Sisabel

Lol that’s funny! Yes you make a great point. This year is a freebie. There’s also nothing wrong with simplicity so it’s not rational of me to work myself up over all of this.

Lol, I sometimes come out with some quippy thoughts.

I think changes from the status quo are stressful when it comes to holidays. Plus sounds like the lingering pain from the past years of not having family holidays. On the one hand there's animosity which is natural then on the other hand wanting to live up to expectations and like you wrote financial matters.

I re-read my original post and... 1. I really do need to get over the past... 2. I really do need to get over the idea that I must meet the expectations of others. I can only do my best.

It really helps me a lot to get out of my own head and hear your feedback. I have really worked myself up over this. My hubby says there’s no reason to feel at all pressured and just do the best I can and enjoy myself. Sounds easy enough...

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Lol, I sometimes come out with some quippy thoughts.

I think changes from the status quo are stressful when it comes to holidays. Plus sounds like the lingering pain from the past years of not having family holidays. On the one hand there's animosity which is natural then on the other hand wanting to live up to expectations and like you wrote financial matters.

Yes you’ve got it worked out correctly. I have gotten used to life as it is... I’m comfortable with the “statue quo”... I’ve got to let the past go, appreciate the blessings I have and adapt to new changes.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by Sisabel

Yes you’ve got it worked out correctly. I have gotten used to life as it is... I’m comfortable with the “statue quo”... I’ve got to let the past go, appreciate the blessings I have and adapt to new changes.

Adapting to change means making new traditions that WORK FOR YOU not against you. One doesn't have to go all out to have a nice family gathering. Actually the more simple & homey the more comfortable it will be for all. Elaborate doesn't mean better. Simple & caring does.

[MickeyCheeky]

((((Sisabel)))) You can do this.

Originally Posted by Sisabel

1. I really do need to get over the past... 2. I really do need to get over the idea that I must meet the expectations of others. I can only do my best.

It really helps me a lot to get out of my own head and hear your feedback. I have really worked myself up over this. My hubby says there’s no reason to feel at all pressured and just do the best I can and enjoy myself. Sounds easy enough...

I can relate and am working on some of the same issues. I end up in crisis when one member of my family wants one thing while another wants something else. I end up feeling like I have to choose between two people and never handle it very well--sometimes going back and forth on what I am going to do. Being this way makes things more disorganized.

Hugs.

[healingme4me]

Be gentle with yourself, Sisabel. Remembering and feeling past hurts is sometimes necessary. There are no "needs to" and "must do" where emotions are concerned.
I would think that being cautious and guarded is not necessarily out of line after a decade of quasi estrangement(?). Knowing how you feel you can in turn be mindful of not letting it ooze out of you during these days where they are staying with you.
I think it's great that with a new baby the need for family has been reprioritized. What about the other grandmother, is she in the picture?

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Be gentle with yourself, Sisabel. Remembering and feeling past hurts is sometimes necessary. There are no "needs to" and "must do" where emotions are concerned.
I would think that being cautious and guarded is not necessarily out of line after a decade of quasi estrangement(?). Knowing how you feel you can in turn be mindful of not letting it ooze out of you during these days where they are staying with you.
I think it's great that with a new baby the need for family has been reprioritized. What about the other grandmother, is she in the picture?

The other grandmother is in the picture and is more involved since she lives in the same town. She usually makes the plans and will get upset if everybody doesn’t stay at her house for the holidays. I am expecting my house might be after Christmas every year, not on Christmas Day. Same with other holidays. This is another reason I have felt discouraged. She will throws fits and change everybody’s plans at the last minute.

Mindfulness for sure! The last thing I want is to build up my resentful feelings. It’s not worth it. That’s why I just don’t feel up to all of this. I just want to relax at the holidays. I’m tired from my job and money is a bit tight but hubby and I always have fun - we don’t even worry about exchanging gifts most of the time. We just appreciate and enjoy relaxing.

Originally Posted by Nowinners

I can relate and am working on some of the same issues. I end up in crisis when one member of my family wants one thing while another wants something else. I end up feeling like I have to choose between two people and never handle it very well--sometimes going back and forth on what I am going to do. Being this way makes things more disorganized.


Hugs.

It’s not good to be in a position of choosing like that. It makes the holidays uncomfortable. I just want to relax and not worry about entertaining and making everybody happy. Surely we can find a good balance?

[healingme4me]

Maybe your more relaxed pace will be refreshing to them and the little one?

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Maybe your more relaxed pace will be refreshing to them and the little one?

You know I hadn’t thought of that. I had just assumed everybody would be bored and disappointed.

I’ve always tried to take care of myself physically but more and more I see that emotional and mental health needs just as much attention.

Family stress really takes a toll on my mental and emotional health. Not to mention work stress....

I am looking forward to the holidays just being over....

But what I really want to do is balance this better and get back to my attitude of being a relaxed couch potato when it’s a holiday and I don’t have to be at work for a change.... That’s all I want for Christmas is a day to be a couch potato.... or several days if that’s possible.

Originally Posted by Sisabel

But what I really want to do is balance this better and get back to my attitude of being a relaxed couch potato when it’s a holiday and I don’t have to be at work for a change.... That’s all I want for Christmas is a day to be a couch potato.... or several days if that’s possible.

People will complain but sounds like time to order catering or Chinese food or something that doesn't need to be cooked....

I have a good excuse not to cook much, we had a last minute change of plans due to an illness in our family. It's just a virus....

[healingme4me]

Sisabel, I refuse to cook on Christmas Day. It's a day of lounging around in pjs all day. No real complaint from anyone in my household. I don't know how or why-or perhaps it has its roots-but it's a day to chill. Enjoy spending time with one another or with the newest gifts.
I'm actually looking forward to having the day off, sort of, tomorrow. My kids father-my ex- has dinner for them, a plate is included for me as I usually send a plate his way from the kids, but no dishes that sit there overwhelming me to tears after the fun of cooking the meal?
I think some of the roots, to digress, come from when I first married, my mom was a widow. We had small meals at my place then she remarried and she wanted to please her new husband and his family and out came the full blown entertain at her place causing me to bundle up my three little ones and haul them out....ughhhh...no thank you. When she was married to my late stepdad it was all about preparing elaborate meals with his family. Which took me away from her mom, my gram and her smaller quiet family meals of eating and tv watching.
So now....Christmas is my lounge around day.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Sisabel, I refuse to cook on Christmas Day. It's a day of lounging around in pjs all day. No real complaint from anyone in my household. I don't know how or why-or perhaps it has its roots-but it's a day to chill. Enjoy spending time with one another or with the newest gifts.
I'm actually looking forward to having the day off, sort of, tomorrow. My kids father-my ex- has dinner for them, a plate is included for me as I usually send a plate his way from the kids, but no dishes that sit there overwhelming me to tears after the fun of cooking the meal?
I think some of the roots, to digress, come from when I first married, my mom was a widow. We had small meals at my place then she remarried and she wanted to please her new husband and his family and out came the full blown entertain at her place causing me to bundle up my three little ones and haul them out....ughhhh...no thank you. When she was married to my late stepdad it was all about preparing elaborate meals with his family. Which took me away from her mom, my gram and her smaller quiet family meals of eating and tv watching.
So now....Christmas is my lounge around day.

Hubby and I go out to eat Christmas Eve and often go to a movie Xmas day. We usually don’t exchange presents or even put up a tree anymore... not for the past few years anyway. We do many nice things for each other and buy each other gifts all year long and that’s perfectly fine with us.... We send the kids money and that’s about it. It’s so relaxing I feel refreshed when I go back to work.

In my past life I used to go all out for the holidays... it always got a bit stressful in one way or another... After the past 10 years, I don’t feel any excitement about doing all that again.

Hubby says just keep doing our simple routine and there’s no reason to change, other than we should probably get the tree out and put it up.

[healingme4me]

*blushing* my kids and I took a vote this year. The little ceramic looking tree or the other. Unanimously it was the smaller ceramic that I used last year to substitute our other tree where we went accross country for my dad's wedding and my youngest "believed" last year and it was a let's leave lights on so Santa would know we were out of state. He learned in school in the spring as is customary to this region.