Dating: How do you know if someone is right for you?

I am dating someone. We are taking it slow per my request. I am still on OkC and POF too.

He's from a dating site. We went on 2 dates. They were both nice. The first one, I didn't feel attracted to him physically, but enjoyed our conversation, and agreed to meet again. Our second date, I felt more of an attraction. I enjoyed myself with him again. He's nice. Not obnoxious, rude, or disrespectful. Seems mellow, even keeled, and mild mannered.

One thing I'm struggling with a little tonight, is attraction again. He called me. And I was happy. But he does not seem intelligent in the ways that I am. Also the way he talks. Like how he sounds. I don't know how to explain it. I hope nobody takes offense to this. I ended the call early because 1. I was hungry, 2. I guess I didn't feel like talking, and 3. I just noticed I did not feel attracted intellectually.

He does have his own house. He has a job. He's kind of a darling.

I guess I don't know right now what will happen. Maybe thats ok. I definitely think he likes me. I told him I am interested in dating him. So we are dating. But I want it to be open. He's still on the dating site too. But I haven't seen him online.

I really just need to get my thoughts out.

How do you know if someone is the right person to date and be with?

I was listening to a podcast, and this woman was talking about how when she met her husband, she saw "no ceiling" with him. As in, there was no cap. She didn't see "an end" to what could be with them. And with other men, she'd always seen a type of ceiling. I think everyone may be different with that sort of thing? But I asked myself if I saw a ceiling with the guy I'm seeing now, and I do. Like I'm not sure if I see a complete future.

But how do you know?

I don't want to call him my boyfriend. Not until I am sure, know, and feel like "I want to call you my boyfriend." It's way too soon, anyway.

It's hard to say. Maybe after a couple of dates you'll be able to have a better feel for it? With only phone calls and virtual communication, it's easier to let your mind paint a picture. Maybe you won't gel afterall but spending time together matters imo. Body language and facial expressions can enhance or dimmish expressive communication. Maybe he is a dud for you but I don't know if I'd personally write someone off over a few phone conversations?

We went on 2 dates. Thank you though. I think it needs more time.

I think if something feels so “off” from so early on it could likely cause barriers later on.

I think you’re going to have to make your mind up, either way, and soon. For your sanity and for his.

Well then, I clearly misunderstood the initial post. If you've already been out twice and he's not melting your heart or fanning your flames, don't tunnel vision yourself on him.

If he doesnt seem intelligent, maybe hes holding back because he knows you wont like his answers to your questions? Have you had a political discussion?

Your attraction to him grew from the first date to the second date.

Maybe it will continue to grow if you go on a third or fourth date.

How possible does that sound to you?

I think after two dates you have a good sense of whether you are attracted or not. It seems he doesn't quite fully do it for you. I would say that is most likely going to continue to cause a problem. If something is not quite all there after two dates, you kind of already know.

When we first start to date someone, there’s something that attracts us, whatever that might be. It might simply be that you want to have a date, lol.

Then as you get to know them you watch for ways you click and ways you don’t. With each date you note if you had a good enough time to want to see them again. Also, different people are at different stages in their lives for their purposes in dating. Some are looking for commitment and some are not.

When a comment or situation comes up that is enough of a deal maker or deal breaker, that’s when you know if they are not right or right or right enough for now.

In my progression with my husband, it was a good dating experience. Each date got closer and grew more affectionate. Neither said of did anything really off putting.

It wasn’t until after we were married our trouble began. there was really no red flags to see that coming either, honestly. So, you really can’t ever be 100% sure. We’re still together, so I’m not sure I’m a healthy example TBH.

This is what I'm choosing. To go out one or two more times. Yes, on the second date, my attraction had grown. So much so, that I'd decided to tell him I saw potential, wanted to date, but go slow.

I was crushing on him until our phone convo last night. He seemed quite comfortable, was eating, lol, and while we were talking, it was completely clear to me that he is not good with language or math. Don't want to judge. But I guess I did.

Someone asked if we have talked politics and we have. He is interested in what seems to me, science, history, and politics. He grows plants. He is artistic. Went to school for art. And he is kind.

I understand what you guys are saying about attraction, and if it doesn't feel right, don't continue. But I'm also not completely trusting of my attraction radar. In the past, I've been constantly attracted to jerks. Men who haven't treated me well, had lukewarm feelings for me, threw me crumbs, hot and cold, only wanted one thing. On the flip side, with nice guys I've thrown the towel in soon after or just seen them as friend material. I'd like to change all this. Even if I end up choosing not him.

I am also currently in conversation with my therapist about attraction, and I'm going to talk to her about this later this week when I see her. She's a good therapist. Would never push me one way or another. But does give advice, and she is intelligent and wise.

I have found myself, a few times, bingeing on junk food over feeling like "this is it?" So maybe it will turn out you guys are right. But I'm going to go on a couple more dates w/ him and also talk to my therapist.

Update:

So we were talking on the phone tonight, and everything was going ok. But I mentioned that I don't want kids. He seems to "maybe" want kids. And he brushed it off like, "well we're not at that point."

Also, omg, while on the phone, he said "I'm going to put you on speaker phone for a minute." I then heard a toilet seat. So I asked him if he was using the bathroom, and he was like "oops, here let me move the phone and talk to you in a minute." I hung up. Lol. He called back and I asked why he thought that was OK. Like was he just comfortable? Or what? He just said he thought he could get away with it without me knowing. I hung up with him shortly after. Is that strange / inappropriate behavior (of him)?

I'm pretty turned off. I guess that's it.

Edit: No one's responding and I'd really like someone to just tell me I don't have to go out with him and that being weirded out makes sense.

You don’t have to go out with him again, lol.

You made the fatal mistake of too long on the phone, so long that he couldn’t hold it in.

That conversation should have been only 5 minutes or so, just long enough to arrange date #3. In person, you might still like him.

Why did you want to drop the bomb about not wanting kids so soon?

It is a inappropriate that he was in the bathroom this early on in dating. That can happen once you're very comfortable with the person (I believe) whereby it can squeak by. But this soon? Kind of odd. And yeah, I agree with Tisha, why bring up kids so early on in dating? To weed him out if he wants kids? Best to let that conversation come up naturally through the dating process and once things are getting a little more serious, I believe. But it's OK. No harm done, but you're not there yet.

Tisha, lol, thanks. And we were just talking on the phone. Chatting. If he had to use the bathroom, he should have said so. I was wondering if he has an issue with communicating clearly.

To both GE and Tisha, I disagree that what I said about kids was wrong. I don't want kids, and if I'm going to even date someone to consider being boyfriend? I think it's important to get out the deal breaker questions early. He may want kids. Also, in our conversation, we were talking about kids so it came up naturally.

GE, I agree that it can be appropriate (and funny) and comfortable to use the bathroom while on the phone with an SO. But I don't even know him. We hadn't even kissed. We'd been on 2 dates.

I thought to myself...maybe I'd overreacted. But I don't think so. I think I'm just trying to change myself to like the nicer guys, and while that's all good and fine, I don't need to date someone who I feel is inappropriate and someone who turns me off.

I hear ya! Go with your gut feeling, Knitchick. What’s your gut telling you at this point?

I think he's just not for me.

Oh the zany not-so joys of dating! I once met a guy who called me for a date. On that call he told me, “There’s something you need to know. I have bloody stool.” And I still went on a date or two with him to give him a chance. We just didn’t connect, but probably his strangely TMI confession colored my impression (pun intended!).

There may be an element with you that you are fearful and anxious about the whole prospect of commitment, or it’s simply you haven’t met Mr. Right.

I did kiss a lot of frogs.

Haha Tisha!, that's way TMI!! And funny!

I'm not in a hurry to find my "soulmate." I don't see anything wrong with dating around sometimes. I have thought before, maybe I will not end up with anyone. It's not a bad thing, in my opinion. I know that some people need someone else. I'm not like that. Though of course I need love and connection, I have friends and family, etc. I have been in deep need of sex before, and thats been an issue for me. But right now I'm fine. And who knows. I may someday meet someone who really does it for me. I have caught glimpses. But I also think I may need some therapy around this issue of attraction and dating. Woot! I love therapy.

Ps: Hey! Bill! I see you!

!!

After that phone call I think you are ready to move on!

((((KnitChick)))) If you're turned off by him after this phone call, I think you can simply move out. Otherwise you can try a couple more dates and see how it goes. If you don't see attraction then, it's unlikely that it's going to work out later, I think. Wish you good luck with your search!

Yeah, after the awkward toilet incident, you can flush this one.

Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!

You can't know. People change. It can take a lifetime to get to know someone. I'm sure you've gotten great advice but I haven't read through this thread. It takes time. One thing I picked out from here is it was said "If you enjoy each date keep dating him" or something to that extent. I did that. Relationships all take effort in the end and people can expose their true selves years later when you live with them. Wishing the best for you.

Attraction is important. Sure relationships should have a good solid foundation based on intellect, shared views and values, common interest for long term but absent of attraction itself, all of that just equates to someone that would be a good friend. IMO. Attraction itself, physical and otherwise is what defines the difference between platonic companions and would be lovers.

don't downplay the idea, it sounds like if you continue this, to be honest, you'd be forcing something or trying to hard to make something happen that isn't natural.

Your description of him is luke warm in every way. I imagine you didn't intend it that way but are just simply being honest which is good but the truth is your OP says a lot. I'm sure he's a nice guy in many ways but if you have to stop and wonder if you're attracted enough or whether the lack of attraction is important enough, it really, for me would not be something I would be compelled to pursue, myself.