[Lostandconfused82]

Hi everyone....I am new to this. I'm needing help. My relationship just ended a month ago and I'm not coping well. I feel like depression is the cause. My boyfriend and I were together for a year. He chased me for over a year previously to us dating. I had some previously bad relationships and was not looking for anything but he finally convinced me to give him a chance but I told him to be patient with me. I wanted to take things slow because I had trust issues. He assured me he understood and wasnt going anywhere. Things went good. We introduced our kids after a while and became a little family basically. He wanted another kid, a girl to be exact because we have boys. He is 45. I am 36. I told him I would have to think on that etc. That's a big deal. We were talking about getting a house together and just all kinds of things. I obviously began falling for him. No one had ever treated me so good. Flowers all the time. Made as much time for me as possible. Complimented ke all the time. He was crazy about me and everyone could see it. But around March of this year or maybe April I noticed some small changes, nothing major just minor things. I asked him if things were ok and he promised me they were. His job had changed and put alot more on him so I was thinking hes just stressed and busy. Over the next few months he became more withdrawn. Only wanting to play his xbox. He had gained quite a bit of weight etc. And out of the blue in July he told me he has never felt anything for me and still didn't. I of course was devastated and confused and hurt. He wanted us to try to fix it. He had told me all this time I made him happier than ever. I was the best thing that ever happened to him. And all of the sudden I have this cold emotionless person sitting Infront of me. A stranger. So for 2 months I bent over backwards trying to bring us close again. I tried to keep his house clean to keep more stress off of him. I took us on a four wheeling trip which he loved. Nothing I did seemed to matter. He just became even more distant and hurtful. Maybe I pushed him too much or idk. But he ended up breaking up with me and told me he felt nothing for me physically or emotionally. He also had told me he felt nothing about anything. He had no feelings and I feel like he couldn't see past the depression to see it was clouding his feelings for me.....am I crazy? I tried to convince him he was depressed. He said he had no interest in doing anything he always enjoyed. He wasnt happy with himself. I thought I could help him through this and make him see that I loved him and we worth the effort but it was hard at most times to convince him anything was wrong with him. He was never consistent with anything. One minute he said he was crazy about me and one minute he said he never felt anything for me. One minute he knew something was wrong and the next he couldn't. Please help. We have been apart for over a month and I keep hoping he will come around. My anxiety is so bad and I'm not well. I'm worried he will move on. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I am desperate. Please feel free to post

The one main thought that comes to mind is he is indeed depressed, and it's his depression talking to you, not the real person inside. His depression is clouding ALL of his emotions, even his feelings for you. It is very hurtful to hear the words, "I never felt anything for you, and I don't even now", but you know that given his behavior all this time, that this is not true. So please believe and know that it's his depression coloring his perception and even his words and feelings.

At this time, there's nothing you can really do. You cannot force the relationship, and it's best to not hold onto a sliver of hope. The fact that things turned around a complete 180 degrees is not a good sign for a hopeful future with this person. I would not bank on marrying him or being with him long-term, even if he does come around. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I am just saying it like I see it. IF someone can turn on you like that and dump you in this kind of manner, they are not a good future investment, you see my point? There's no stability in that kind of a relationship. He is not emotionally well. But do take solace in knowing that his words are not true. Based on what you've written, he definitely cares for you and I am guessing loves you, he just cannot be in a relationship.

Had some advice for the same post under the depression forum but also want to mention--many men do not respond well over the long run to being chased (unless they are clearly signalling "Come on baby...", or unless it's a spontenous, "I love you" because they showed they cared/did something nice.). Also, you don't want to end up with someone who doesn't make you feel loved and attractive. Or he could be bipolar. If he causes more pain than joy--let him go.....

[Lostandconfused82]

Hi golden_eve
Thanks for responding. Yes it was very hard hearing him say those words to me. I tried to convince him that it was his depression influencing his feelings or lack there of toward me. But he would just say he didnt know. I couldn't convince him to seek help. I tried everything I could to help. I begged him not to give up on us and the relationship because he was so happy and so was I. It's hard for me to accept. We have had no contact in over a month. And I miss him more than ever. And I am so worried that he is going to be fine and think it was me that was making him unhappy and move on with someone else. And that thought destroys me.

[Lostandconfused82]

Dear nowinners
Thanks for reaching out. What do you mean by the chasing? As in me chasing him?

Originally Posted by Lostandconfused82

Hi golden_eve
Thanks for responding. Yes it was very hard hearing him say those words to me. I tried to convince him that it was his depression influencing his feelings or lack there of toward me. But he would just say he didnt know. I couldn't convince him to seek help. I tried everything I could to help. I begged him not to give up on us and the relationship because he was so happy and so was I. It's hard for me to accept. We have had no contact in over a month. And I miss him more than ever. And I am so worried that he is going to be fine and think it was me that was making him unhappy and move on with someone else. And that thought destroys me.

I’m so sorry you’re hurting. This is a painful situation given how he’s handled it. I don’t like that he said those hurtful words to you. My guess is he was trying to save you from himself.. from his depressed dying self. My ex did the same to me once in the very beginning. Then he turned out to be a vicious and mean person. You have to wonder about someone who can turn on you and be cruel like that. Something very dark is lurking inside him. As hurtful and as painful as this is, it could be a blessing. Depression talking or not, he was very cruel. You may have been spared from much more pain down the road.

[divine1966]

I am so sorry you are struggling. But I don’t think it matters if he is depressed or not. He might have 100 reasons to not want to continue with relationship. If he doesn’t want to be with you, he doesn’t. It doesn’t matter why.

Why do you worry that he moved on? If you two aren’t a couple anymore it’s for the best if you two move on. I know it’s tough but all you can do is to move on and find someone who wants to be with you. Heal and move on

PS I was a bit surprised you were cleaning his house. What for? If you two didn’t live together it was uncalled for. You aren’t his maid. He could hire cleaning lady. Also if someone doesn’t want to continue with relationship it doesn’t matter what you do. If people want to end it, they will.

[Lostandconfused82]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I’m so sorry you’re hurting. This is a painful situation given how he’s handled it. I don’t like that he said those hurtful words to you. My guess is he was trying to save you from himself.. from his depressed dying self. My ex did the same to me once in the very beginning. Then he turned out to be a vicious and mean person. You have to wonder about someone who can turn on you and be cruel like that. Something very dark is lurking inside him. As hurtful and as painful as this is, it could be a blessing. Depression talking or not, he was very cruel. You may have been spared from much more pain down the road.

Yea he was very cruel and cold. He was a stranger to me. The old him could not stand to see me cry or be upset. That's what people keep telling me that this could be a blessing. I'm trying to believe that but it is hard. All of this so hard to comprehend. He holds everything in and wont talk about it to anyone. It hurts to think someone else can make him happy and I no longer could.

Originally Posted by Lostandconfused82

Yea he was very cruel and cold. He was a stranger to me. The old him could not stand to see me cry or be upset. That's what people keep telling me that this could be a blessing. I'm trying to believe that but it is hard. All of this so hard to comprehend. He holds everything in and wont talk about it to anyone. It hurts to think someone else can make him happy and I no longer could.

Try not to think that way. It wasn’t you who didn’t make him happy. It’s him.. all him. NO ONE will make him happy if he’s unhappy with himself, you see? Try not to put the responsibility on yourself. If a person is unhappy with themselves it’s much harder to accept someone’s love and often times the person will push love away. Yes, I believe you’ve been spared. He was very cruel and that wasn’t right.

[divine1966]

You deserve better

Originally Posted by Lostandconfused82

Dear nowinners
Thanks for reaching out. What do you mean by the chasing? As in me chasing him?

I was relating a personal experience that feels like men do more for you (wine and dine you so to speak) when they are the ones chasing you. If they already have what they want then they sort of relax and do less sometimes.

But this may not apply to all. I think Divine is right. It could be a number of reasons and if he no longer wants the relationship, who knows how up front he will be. You can't force people to choose you or force them to act certain ways but if you are the one who leaves and they want you to stay then they might reconsider if they really want you in their lives.

[Travelinglady]

Yes, for whatever reason I think he's telling you to move on. He's got too many issues for anyone but a therapist and a psychiatrist to help him. I know it hurts, but keep looking....

[MickeyCheeky]

((((Lostandconfused82)))) I'm so sorry you're struggling. But the others are right. It's best for you to move on. It's hard, I know...