I don't understand this very well. I am relatively close with my family, but we have our issues.

And suddenly I feel depressed about upcoming family events and gatherings around the holidays and upcoming birthdays. I feel more so obligated than anything else. It's as though I lose my freedom and have to go to these events, rather than wanting to go.

My family does a LOT together around the Christmas holiday. I am thinking I want to skip on my father's annual men's choir that we always attend. I go every single year with the family, and this year, I just don't feel like it. I want to spend more time with my fiance.

I feel selfish, but I feel like I want to start creating boundaries. For the last four years while I lived with my parents, I had to attend every single family event, and there were many. Now that I am on my own again, I want to do my own thing.

Is that so bad?? Am I selfish for wanting to attend fewer of these events? I don't really understand why, it's just something I wish to do.

[happysobercrafter]

Hi, Golden Eve,

You're engaged? Congratulations!! And, your feelings sound normal to me.

Have you looked around this website for articles that can give you insight into why you feel that way and what your options are?

Psych Central - Trusted mental health, depression, bipolar, ADHD & psychology information

When I have questions about something going on in my head or in my life, I google to find out what my options are and the why behind it. Sure has helped me out a lot over the years.

I'd love to know what you decide to do. I won't criticize you. I will respect your choice.

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

Hi, Golden Eve,

Your feelings sound normal to me.

Have you looked around this website for articles that can give you insight into why you feel that way and what your options are? Psych Central - Trusted mental health, depression, bipolar, ADHD & psychology information

When I have questions about something going on in my head or in my life, I google to find out what my options are and the why behind it. Sure has helped me out a lot over the years.

I'd love to know what you decide to do. I won't criticize you. I will respect your choice.

Thank you! No, I haven't explored articles yet. I do need to get to the bottom of it. I don't understand what's going on with me. I know I may hurt them soon by telling them I am eloping, so it may be avoidance in some way.

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I don't understand this very well. I am relatively close with my family, but we have our issues.


And suddenly I feel depressed about upcoming family events and gatherings around the holidays and upcoming birthdays. I feel more so obligated than anything else. It's as though I lose my freedom and have to go to these events, rather than wanting to go.


My family does a LOT together around the Christmas holiday. I am thinking I want to skip on my father's annual men's choir that we always attend. I go every single year with the family, and this year, I just don't feel like it. I want to spend more time with my fiance.


I feel selfish, but I feel like I want to start creating boundaries. For the last four years while I lived with my parents, I had to attend every single family event, and there were many. Now that I am on my own again, I want to do my own thing.


Is that so bad?? Am I selfish for wanting to attend fewer of these events? I don't really understand why, it's just something I wish to do.

I feel the same way except it’s my own kids I want to run away from. It’s very tiring to attend lots of events plus keep up with work and other stuff. I personally don’t enjoy it anymore.

If you really enjoyed these events with your family in the past, it could be that you will get back into going at another time... it sounds like you have a lovely family and that’s truly a blessing. Maybe you can just pick the main events they would want you there for this year...

Originally Posted by Sisabel

I feel the same way except it’s my own kids I want to run away from. It’s very tiring to attend lots of events plus keep up with work and other stuff. I personally don’t enjoy it anymore.

If you really enjoyed these events with your family in the past, it could be that you will get back into going at another time... it sounds like you have a lovely family and that’s truly a blessing. Maybe you can just pick the main events they would want you there for this year...

Thank you, Sisabel!

I'm sorry you're feeling the same way. You sound very busy!

I actually have never fully enjoyed the many get togethers we have.

[divine1966]

Well holidays could be overwhelming to say the least. it’s 6am and I am up because I always host thanksgiving and there is ton of cooking to be done and I worked yesterday. I love it but couple of years I went out of town for thanksgiving and it was a blast. Ha. No hosting.

Yeah I sometimes feel like as holidays approaching I want to go away lol less hassle.

But then again what else there is. We are a small family. My grandparents were holocaust survivors and they lost all their siblings (7), nieces, nephews etc their parents- my great grandparents etc and everyone else in extended family, over 100 people.

So because of that we are a rather small family compare to most. That’s why we don’t really hold grudges or sweat small stuff with each other because that’s all we have. And my mom has cancer now. And my husband lost his parents young. And my daughter widowed young. So got to hold on to whatever family one has. There is not much else in life but family that has true meaning imho.

Go see your dads choir performance. Now I understand not wanting to hang out with families around holidays if they are hostile. No need to tolerate hostility. But wanting to hang out with fiancée instead ....You can hang out with your fiancée other days. You already spend all free time with him. Plus is he not accompanying you to these events? he might actually enjoy your family events and that men choir as he is new to the family.

Just my opinion of course

[happysobercrafter]

Originally Posted by Sisabel

I feel the same way except it’s my own kids I want to run away from. It’s very tiring to attend lots of events plus keep up with work and other stuff. I personally don’t enjoy it anymore.

If you really enjoyed these events with your family in the past, it could be that you will get back into going at another time... it sounds like you have a lovely family and that’s truly a blessing. Maybe you can just pick the main events they would want you there for this year...

Why does your mood say "SICK"? Are you ok?

Originally Posted by divine1966

Well holidays could be overwhelming to say the least. it’s 6am and I am up because I always host thanksgiving and there is ton of cooking to be done and I worked yesterday. I love it but couple of years I went out of town for thanksgiving and it was a blast. Ha. No hosting.

Yeah I sometimes feel like as holidays approaching I want to go away lol less hassle.

But then again what else there is. We are a small family. My grandparents were holocaust survivors and they lost all their siblings (7), nieces, nephews etc their parents- my great grandparents etc and everyone else in extended family, over 100 people.

So because of that we are a rather small family compare to most. That’s why we don’t really hold grudges or sweat small stuff with each other because that’s all we have. And my mom has cancer now. And my husband lost his parents young. And my daughter widowed young. So got to hold on to whatever family one has. There is not much else in life but family that has true meaning imho.

Go see your dads choir performance. Now I understand not wanting to hang out with families around holidays if they are hostile. No need to tolerate hostility. But wanting to hang out with fiancée instead ....You can hang out with your fiancée other days. You already spend all free time with him. Plus is he not accompanying you to these events? he might actually enjoy your family events and that men choir as he is new to the family.

Just my opinion of course

Thanks, Divine!

It's not that I want to just be with my fiance -- that's not it. I don't know why I wrote that. I just am shying away from wanting to go to ALL these events.

I talked to him and we're going to the choir concert for my dad. We agreed that since we're eloping, or plan to, that we should attend. We're skipping the nutcracker ballet, another event we attend together as a family.

I'm still not sure what my problem or issue is. The only thing I can think is it has to do with us eloping.

[MickeyCheeky]

((((golden_eve)))) I'm sorry you're struggling I don't think you're selfish for feeling this way, though. Taking part in all of these events can be very tiring. Perhaps you can try to reach a compromise? Just attend the most important ones (or at least, the ones that are important to your family). Would that be possible? Would your family accept this? Perhaps you can talk to them about this. Many hugs

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

((((golden_eve)))) I'm sorry you're struggling I don't think you're selfish for feeling this way, though. Taking part in all of these events can be very tiring. Perhaps you can try to reach a compromise? Just attend the most important ones (or at least, the ones that are important to your family). Would that be possible? Would your family accept this? Perhaps you can talk to them about this. Many hugs

Thank you, Mickey!

Yes, I think a compromise is a good idea. I'm not going to mention it to them... I have mentioned that I don't want to overwhelm my fiance with all our family gatherings, though. That's probably enough to say I think.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Thanks, Divine!

It's not that I want to just be with my fiance -- that's not it. I don't know why I wrote that. I just am shying away from wanting to go to ALL these events.

I talked to him and we're going to the choir concert for my dad. We agreed that since we're eloping, or plan to, that we should attend. We're skipping the nutcracker ballet, another event we attend together as a family.

I'm still not sure what my problem or issue is. The only thing I can think is it has to do with us eloping.

Dang I saw nutcracker so many times that I think I can dance if myself. Nope. Wouldn’t go to that one either.

I think I know now what you mean. Some families go to events together as a whole bunch of people in extended family. We don’t do that usually. We get together in each other houses a lot but no going to events together. If we go it’s within our own immediate families like spouses and minor kids. We don’t drag to events together as adults unless like if one person is exhibiting or performing like your dads choir. But other than that no thanks. I am with you on this.

I’d not tell them about overwhelming fiancée (don’t want families resent each other) but would tell that you have other arrangements made like work Christmas parties or tickets purchased to something already or other similar stuff. Unless your mom and dad dance in nutcracker performance or play Santa and Mrs. Santa somewhere, no need to be attending those events lol

[divine1966]

I have a friend who must attend every single thing with her extended family, she literally has no life because of it. They are either going somewhere or getting together somewhere. Plus every holiday party is at her house as she has largest house. She just must always drag along or they get offended. She can never say no. They also assume since she is single she has nothing to do and must accompany them. Jeez. So single people have no life? She maybe is single because they monopolize her time!

Originally Posted by divine1966

Dang I saw nutcracker so many times that I think I can dance if myself. Nope. Wouldn’t go to that one either.

I think I know now what you mean. Some families go to events together as a whole bunch of people in extended family. We don’t do that usually. We get together in each other houses a lot but no going to events together. If we go it’s within our own immediate families like spouses and minor kids. We don’t drag to events together as adults unless like if one person is exhibiting or performing like your dads choir. But other than that no thanks. I am with you on this.

I’d not tell them about overwhelming fiancée (don’t want families resent each other) but would tell that you have other arrangements made like work Christmas parties or tickets purchased to something already or other similar stuff. Unless your mom and dad dance in nutcracker performance or play Santa and Mrs. Santa somewhere, no need to be attending those events lol

Thanks! I appreciate your understanding how I feel.

Yea, we're skipping the Nutcracker & I'll probably skip on a few of the bday celebrations too that all happen right in a row. Those are for my nephews, whom I love, but I don't wish to drag my fiance to every single bday party. Plus, they're all older now so I believe it's OK if I send my present and skip on the actual family gathering. At least, I hope it's OK.

It's just that they get together SO much between now and next April, I get tired of it all. It's also always about my sister, her life and my nephews' lives, that I always feel pushed to the back burner and on the side. I feel like an appendage and an afterthought in these gatherings more than a significant part of the family.

[downandlonely]

I am glad that I live far away from my family. I usually only go back for Christmas and stay about a week. All other holidays are spent with friends, which is much more fun.

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I am glad that I live far away from my family. I usually only go back for Christmas and stay about a week. All other holidays are spent with friends, which is much more fun.

That's great! Sounds perfect. I love spending holidays with friends much more than family, I do admit. But I am obligated. My sister skips out on our family Thanksgiving every single year, so I have to be the sole representative.

[WishfulThinker66]

Okay, what about your fiance's family commitments? Surely your family will realise you have other things to do. Surely they will realise you feel pulled in multiple directions. Sure they will realise the exhaustion as a result.

I not, then I think they owe you a compromise.

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

Okay, what about your fiance's family commitments? Surely your family will realise you have other things to do. Surely they will realise you feel pulled in multiple directions. Sure they will realise the exhaustion as a result.

I not, then I think they owe you a compromise.

Thank you! His whole family lives far away out of state, so he cannot see his family over the holidays unless we travel. It's a non-issue in this case. But yes, if they were close by, we would feel pulled. I am actually thankful that it's not that way.... that would be extremely tiring!

[divine1966]

Yeah I am not glad that my husbands parents passed away and the rest live far away but if they were near by I’d have to either host both families together or split time. Too stressful.

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

Why does your mood say "SICK"? Are you ok?

Oh I forgot to update it. I was not feeling well a few days ago. Some kind of bug dragged on for days. Ugh. Thanks for asking.

[WishfulThinker66]

Okay, are you able to host an occasion? I started to do this as it put me in the control seat for at least one night during the season. It also gave me an excuse to relax and stay put from other events. Hard to explain how this is so but it honestly has worked in my case. For me, it is the lack of control which is the factor in feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and the sense of being pulled in multiple directions. By having control of just one part of it all makes it all less overwhelming. And, if preparing food for such an event is worrying for you just make it a pot luck sort of affair. I know this doesn't make an ounce of sense but seriously, it has helped me in the past.

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

Okay, are you able to host an occasion? I started to do this as it put me in the control seat for at least one night during the season. It also gave me an excuse to relax and stay put from other events. Hard to explain how this is so but it honestly has worked in my case. For me, it is the lack of control which is the factor in feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and the sense of being pulled in multiple directions. By having control of just one part of it all makes it all less overwhelming. And, if preparing food for such an event is worrying for you just make it a pot luck sort of affair. I know this doesn't make an ounce of sense but seriously, it has helped me in the past.

Thanks! We are not able to host any gatherings and neither one of us cooks. That would stress me out a lot more actually, so I am glad that my family hosts all events and gatherings.