Unreliable Flaky Girlfriend

Not that it really matters anymore, but I was just looking for some input from others here about what you think of my (ex) girlfriends behaviour in these circumstances.

She likes to spend most of her time at home not doing a lot in the house. But, there have been several times that I have suggested going for a walk, visit my family, shopping etc which at the time she seems all for doing.

So I would arrange with my brother and his girlfriend to meet up in town for a meal a couple of weeks beforehand, BUT, on the day of the meal my girlfriend always claims to be 'tired' and refuses to go! Obviously this frustrates me and especially given the very short notice (usually an hour before we're meant to go out) which leaves me with no option but to go myself.

She has backed out of other things last minute and I felt like I could never really plan anything because at the back of my mind I would know she wouldn't always go through with what she at the time agreed to.

She has said in response to me showing my frustration that I just need to 'deal with it and that's it' - never apologising or acknowledging my feelings in this equation.

We were booked to go to a hotel for a few nights recently and on the day of us meant to be going, she at the last minute again said she was 'too tired' to go. I suggested I drive there and she sleeps in the car but she wasn't having any of it. We lost several hundred pounds because of her no show.

She doesn't seem to grasp that money is important and she doesn't realise the value of it as when I said are we going or not, she said no and I don't care if it cost a few grand to go!

I suggested she drive since she suggested booking the hotel trip but she claimed she didn't know where to go even though I have a Sat Nav! I have done all of the driving 99% of the time on longer journeys but she seemed to throw up a poor excuse.

Maybe she is better being my ex girlfriend now. This is odd behaviour from a grown woman in my opinion.

Thoughts?

How did you meet? Was she ever not tired for other dates with you? What types of things would she leave her home for?

I don't know. She stiffed you with a non refundable bill...

Is she married?

We met on a dating site.

She wasn't tired like this maybe for around the first 2 months of dating, but as time has gone on she has been using this excuse more and more.

She would only leave her home for work, shopping and visiting her parents.

Can I ask what you mean about she stifled me with a non refundable bill?

Oops, did my autocorrect change stiffed to stifled? I was referring to the hotel. Most places have a non cancellation fee which is what my impression of your post was upon reading it.

I wonder if she's depressed? Either way, that is not a nice thing for someone to do. I think it is best that she is your ex. How can that even work if someone continuously cancels plans and angers you all the time over it? That would be maddening.

I agree. She sounds either depressed or not interested. Maybe there is a way to encourage her to share her interests with you. Maybe it is that you are no longer interested in her. Is she your girlfriend? Fiance? Has she been in a serious committed relationship before? Have you? Would it matter? Try your best to be supportive of her needs. It probably wouldn't be the worst problem to find a guy friend or group of friends you could go out with when she is not around. Maybe they would have some ideas how to involve her in your social life?

I'm so sorry, Depressed-Fiance. I agree that it wasn't very nice of her, especially since she's never apologized or tried to understand your feelings. Were there any other problems that made you end the relationship? Perhaps this is something that could be worked through, but if don't want to stay with her, that's ok. Besides, she's the one that has to change her behavior. Sending many hugs to you

very Flaky. You deserve more.

Didn’t you already break up? Is that the same woman that you caught sexting and arranging hook ups with other men? I’d say not going on planned dates is the least of the issues here. What does it matter now about her canceling dates? Sgd clearly wasn’t exclusive or commited or too interested in any shape or form. I hope you saw a doctor to check for STDs.

Are you seeing a therapist? It might be helpful to work on why you are picking these pretty awful women one after another and when relationships are over (for legitimate reasons) you continue analyzing why they did this or that. It’s a waste of time trying to figure out why people do what they do, as you’ll never get an answer.

But it’s never a waste of time trying to figure out why YOU do wgat you do. In particular re finding/attracting/liking these unsuitable women. Do you jump into relationships too soon? Before you get to know them?

I agree with divine: This pattern of relationships with unsuitable women strikes me as well worth exploring or continuing to explore in therapy.

I agree with others. Whatever your reason may be for keeping her in your life, and whatever her reason may be for acting the way she is; the bottom line is that the dynamic is not healthy.

It's not good for anyone to keep engaging in an unhealthy interaction. It sounds like it would be the healthiest for both of you, if you let her go and let her deal with her own issues in therapy.

As far as I know she does suffer from depression.

She spends a lot of her time 'set in her own ways' doing what she wants and hardly compromises with me if I suggest doing an activity.

It feels very one sided when I look back now.

I think it's time to let go and move on. There's no help or use in obsessing over your ex girlfriend...it's not healthy.

I forgot if you mentioned seeing a therapist but if you don’t, i very much recommend it. Good therapist could really help you with developing healthier relationship patterns as well as looking into roots of obsessing over exes. Hugs

She was my girlfriend up until a few days ago.

She has been in relationships before yes but not as serious as we were beginning to be.

I have been engaged before yes.

She is 8 years older than you and you are saying she never had serious relationship? Is that what she told you? Really?

Also how do you refer to this relationship as serious if she wasn’t even interested in spending time with you (after only few months of dating) plus wasn’t even exclusive with you. How much of what’s happening in your relationships with women is a reality and how much is your perception?

This is at least 4th woman that you dated/were engaged to in short time of posting on here that was abusive/violent/unfaithful and all together just very unhealthy choice. Are you not alarmed by that?

That is what she told me when I asked her how many relationships she's actually had.

At nearly 40yrs of age, I was a bit alarmed by this revelation but not enough to dwell on it - everyone's different right.

Do you not believe her or think that it's odd that she's not had many relationships?


I don't remember referring to our relationship as serious, but I'm not stupid and do believe that it was a one sided partnership what with me doing all the driving to see her (she has driven to mine a handful of times) throughout.

The vast majority of what has happened in my relationships are a reality with not any being my perception.



I am alarmed by that yes and slightly ashamed and embarrassed too.

When you meet someone and begin dating them, of course you don't see their flaws immediately, this always seems to be revealed over time and in my situation has been.

No I don’t believe her.

Of course you don’t see flaws immediately but if you pay attention you should see them soon enough. The trick is to NOT get intimately involved too soon. Get to know them well first. Develop friendship first. Usually true nature comes out fast. No need to date more than few dates and not more than few months to find out they are suitable partners. No one can fake it for too long

It sounds like she was irresponsible and I feel that it's likely best that she is an ex now. Thing is, why are you dwelling on someone that you've concluded is not worth being with anymore?

Your take away is that you've figured out that you need or want someone that has more integrity and is more responsible. use that information in finding someone new when you're ready to do so.

Don't waste any more thought or energy on someone you broke up with.

I've figured that she just probably wasn't as invested in the relationship as I was.

She's show who she really is, so I need to deal with that and forget about her - she isn't worth it.

When the same things happen in relationships with me, or I see unhealthy patterns I have to reflect back on me. Am I somehow putting out signals that attracts unhealthy relationships? Do I move to fast? Do I like the idea of a girlfriend so much that I am willing to put up with more than the average person? Do I model behavior that would lead anyone to take advantage of me? When things are on constant repeat it is you who needs to change. I am not sure if that means being more discriminate with who you invest your time in, or better "red flag" catching? You know yourself better than us, or even the women you date. Honestly, despite how lonely you may feel or...unfinished it is a worthy cause to try an stay single and work on yourself.

Good on you for moving on, Depressed-Fiance. Sending many hugs to you

I hope you get over it fast!

Thanks MC!

It's really hard to move on but I'm sure I'll get there eventually.