[MashedPotatoe]

Hello everyone, it is my first post, just registered.. I really need some advice.

I'm in +9 years relationship and most of it has gone by lovely. But starting from two years ago, after a traumatic event, my partner has been suffering from panic attacks and what I believe to be depression (he refuses to have therapy so I do not really know). Economical crisis has forced us to move country in the hopes of reaching more stability. I took up the occasion to go back to university. He is in a very precarious situation, as he doesn't know the local language. He has managed to find a job amongst fellow expats but as a previous small business owner he absolutely hates it, not being in control and also working in a field which isn't where his passion lies. This has all been very difficult for him, and I can't stress enough how much I both admire him and am feeling I am failing him, as I want him to feel better I try and distract him and make him appreciate the small things we do have going for us. Nothing seems to work though and it is stressful for me also, and difficult not to let his mindset contage me. Spending time with him is a constant effort to get him to enjoy something, and I often now get anxious and feel down when I'm with him. Sometimes (more or less once every 3 weeks) I go out with the acquaintances I made at the university, which always lifts my spirits because it's a moment where I don't have to worry all the time and just enjoy. I tried to introduce my partner to the group but this went less than well, for obvious language problems but also a lack of attention from the group for the newcomer. My partner now has a distinct hatred for these people (especially the one male member of the group) and discourages me from seeing them (always especially mentioning that one guy), saying that if the tables had been turned, he would never continue seeing someone that would have treated me in that manner. So now every time I go out it becomes a terrible issue and I don't know how to handle it. Yesterday I went out with this group to watch a movie, got home before eleven and had to listen to my partner saying things like "it's obvious you don't care about me since you haven't called me during the evening, what were you doing that was so important? Don't the petty teachers allow you to use your cell? Or were you all doing a nice little orgy?" I just shut down and couldn't respond a single word. I feel terrible and I don't know what to do. I don't want to cut myself off from the few people I managed to get to know and like, but I realise this whole situation is extremely stressful to my partner and I don't want to worsten his situation either. I've already cut down the time I spend with them but it never seems to be enough. Any advice?

[Skeezyks]

Hello MashedPotatoe: Since this is your first post here on PC... welcome to Psych Central.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this difficult situation. My personal perspective would be you are being manipulated by a person who is struggling with mental health issues they are choosing to deny. Unfortunately, I don't know as I have any particularly creative suggestions for how to deal with this type of situation. I'm afraid what this may come down to is you simply establishing some personal boundaries around this situation & continuing to see your friends as you wish to / need to for your own mental health sake.

You cannot allow yourself to be held hostage to your partner's refusal to deal with his mental health issues. I'm not a mental health professional. But I believe there is plenty of evidence to suggest that the partners of people who struggle with depression are themselves at increased risk of developing depression. You can't make your partner do what he needs to do in order to heal. So you have to protect yourself... sad as that may be.

Here are links to a selection of 11 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that hopefully will be helpful in gaining some additional perspective here:

Denial is a Powerful Impediment to Treatment

You Can Only Change Yourself

Why Family Members May Refuse Help For Depression | Family Mental Health

Stop Trying to Change People Who Don't Want to Change | Happily Imperfect

Is Depression Contagious?

https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-way...-denial/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...essional-help/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-ar...do-i-get-some/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-he...ries-in-yours/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-self...th-depression/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[healingme4me]

Welcome to PC

Sounds like the start of walking on eggshells with your partner. His snide comments are uncalled for. Quite the imagination that he's got going on for himself.
I've been there, done that in that aspect. It didn't work out in the long run. The more I would try to soothe/reassure, the worse it would get. It did eventually turn physical.
There was also some addiction issues with mine going on, is that also the same in your situation? Down the road it was discovered there was a personality disorder on top of that. I hope that isn't the case in your home? Panick attacks? Is it only heart palpitations and shortness of breath or are there other symptoms?

Hope you find the support that you need.

[sarahsweets]

Wow that is a tough situation. Did your friends treat him badly? Even though there is a language barrier did any of them know a little bit of his language? Has he tried to learn the local language at all?

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, MashedPotatoe His comments are really rude and uncalled for. I'm sorry you're being treated this way. Even though he's clearly struggling, he still has no right in deciding what you have to do, and you have every right at taking a break once in a while. I think you need to talk about this with him and see how it goes from there. Ask him why he doesn't like your friends and let him know that you're feeling hurt by this kind of behavior. After all, you're trying your best to support him. Is he supportive of you? I also think it would be useful for him to see a therapist. Maybe that could help. Remember that you can only do so much to help, but he's the one that has to do the work. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this