Figured something out...

So this is really obvious yet somehow I could never see it...

I’ve posted here about wanting to make friends and to build healthy friendships. I’ve been sad that I just don’t form lasting friendships. I’ve been working on this and I’ve been trying to be more mindful of my emotions and behaviors.

I met a few people recently and we’ve been making plans to meetup. Here’s what I noticed myself starting to do... and this is how I’ve been sabotaging my relationships... I don’t set boundaries at the start of the relationship and then I get upset and try to do it after the fact... and so it inevitably ends in tension or conflict.

I have recently been invited to some events and I really haven’t wanted to go. Either the timing was an issue, or the cost, or it’s just not something I want to do. I noticed myself deliberating and feeling as though I should go along with everything... whether I want to or not and even if it’s inconvenient for me... it’s that people pleasing nonsense I do...

I can see myself worrying that if I don’t do what people want then they won’t want to be my friend. It’s childish. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I worry people won’t be in my life if I don’t bend over backwards to accommodate them? Why would I want those kinds of relationships. I’m better off alone than putting myself through this...

I end up frustrated and resentful when people don’t make the same accommodations for me that I make for them... but this is the way my relationships are starting out so why would they change later? Why develop expectations later that I didn’t communicate up front? I even did this with my dear hubby when we first got together and we had to work through all that. I communicate and set boundaries extremely well with hubby now and he’s kindly pointed out I don’t always do the same with friends and with my daughter.

So I’ve been saying no to invites that just don’t work for me. I’ve been communicating more honestly and it’s not as easy as it sounds. I tend to deliberate on what to say and how not to hurt people’s feelings... worrying I won’t be invited again if I say no... good grief it’s just a matter of thanking the person for the kind invite and stating I have other commitments and can’t make it. Why has that been so hard? I will never know.

I know how you feel, because I do the same thing. and its fear of rejection, not setting boundaries and feeling like you cant say no to an invitation. I mean, setting boundaries up front will chase some people away, and it seems that when I first meet someone I feel vulnerable and when we find ourselves feeling vulnerable we sometimes make accommodations, or offer more of ourselves than we can deliver (think of when you meet someone and they have some boy scout thing for their kid, and you volunteer for something next week, and then you are like "why the heck did I say I'd go and hike with these people?!?!"). But I think boundaries can be negotiated afterwards, I mean it'd be hard to negotiate all the boundaries of a relationship of any type up front, except those that are like, work or professional relationships. because friendships and relationships grow and progress and change. Just because there is some tension doesn't mean that that person doesn't want to be your friend or wont invite you to a Christmas party ever again. now, I have to remind myself that if you KEEP saying no, if you always turn down invitations or cancel last minute, yes people will stop inviting you. But if its something that turned up last minute, well you can explain that. And if setting a boundary (like, my kid comes first, or whatever) causes tension and resnentment, that might be a sort of revealing moment: is this person so self involved that they cant realize that they aren't the central figure in my life? if so, then ditch them. If you feel tensions, but that person comes around, well then just chalk the tension up to miscommunication. The tension you feel can sometimes just be the person processing their own negative issues, or the frustration of rearranging their short term plans in their head, its probably not directed at you. Just my two cents.

Probably the worry about not having further invites for saying no is the driving force? I like the thanks for inviting me, I'm so sorry I won't be able to make it this time because of another commitment but keep me in mind if you do this again approach.
I think for me the issue with future considerations is less about the consideration but more about timing of everyone's schedules. I used to meetup with a couple of friends after work for a small time frame before my own work hours expanded. I miss those, yet we're all rather tied up with other life aspects and recreating a different time just hasn't panned itself out.
I think, reflecting on it for myself and considering the social life my own grandmother had had, is the broadening of social circles. So that meetups and doing things never depended on whether one person could make it or not and they kept various activies going. Whether walking together around the block in the neighborhood or setting up cookie swaps or bowling or going to community types of events i.e., baked bean suppers etc there was always a base for her. Isn't that what meetups do these days?

I guess I'm thinking about suggesting broadening your base if you can of course? My gram may have just been lucky?

[QUOTE=Sisabel;6413198]So this is really obvious yet somehow I could never see it...

I’ve posted here about wanting to make friends and to build healthy friendships. I’ve been sad that I just don’t form lasting friendships. I’ve been working on this and I’ve been trying to be more mindful of my emotions and behaviors.

It's wonderful, Sisabel, that you've had this flash of understanding. Congratulations. I wish you the very best in your pursuit of friendships. I imagine that with your experiences and depth you would make a wonderful friend.

Now my experience with this kind of sudden insight is that as wonderful and true as it is, you have to end up working it just as you are right now. It's kind of a long process.

But again - congrats! May many wonderful friendships come your way.

I would create templates (canned messages) and work on them now, before your emotions get the better of you. Thank somebody for the invite, leave space to customize the invite to say specifically why you appreciate it, provide several interchangeable options for yourself to mean "darn it, it conflicts with an existing commitment for me!", say that you would appreciate an invite in the future, AND that you hope to be able to reciprocate the courtesy by inviting them yourself when you are hosting.

Spend some time with the templates.

then, when you need to fire one, just customize and fire.

[QUOTE=Mopey;6413407]

Thank you for the compliment Mopey.

Yes you’re right. Knowing that I fear rejection and that I don’t set proper boundaries... versus changing the behavior... those are two separate things. It’s like finally realizing I eat too many donuts and I need to stop... easier said than done.

That’s a good idea. I have a tendency to blurt out the truth all the time. That will kill a person’s social life pretty quickly. I will need to get used to slowing my thoughts down and considering a better way to say things.

I know what you mean, Sisabel. I'm sure many people here on PC can relate to what you wrote. But I'm glad you've finally realized this! Now that you know what the problem is, you can finally start taking some action, like you're doing already. Be proud of yourself for that. I'm sure things will get better now. Just take it one step at the time. It's not easy to change a behavior that you've had for so many years. Please don't give up. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help. Sending many hugs to you

You said it exactly right. It’s fear of rejection. I’ve known that yet just couldn’t (or wouldn’t?) articulate that.

Thanks for pointing out that boundaries can be negotiated and rearranged. That is a very good point. Relationships shouldn’t be so rigid that everything is set in stone. After all, hubby and I successfully negotiated and rearranged boundaries and we have a strong friendship.

I do need to pull back though. For example, I had a couple people I thought of as friends but I was really stressed out by our interactions. They would call and text and I would almost always respond... even when it was inconvenient for me I kept making time for them. They didn’t reciprocate and return my calls or texts as much. Once I stopped making myself as available, they gradually stopped contacting me. I probably went from one extreme to the other... making myself available constantly to barely being available. I need to find a middle ground.

Yes this is what I have been thinking also. I’ve been working on finding a variety of activities and meeting a variety of people... instead of meeting a few people and making myself too available as their friend... I feel a bit pathetic for doing that.... it’s always said that all you need are a couple of good friends in life but that’s much easier said than done.

Thank you so much Mickey. You’re very kind and I always see you offering encouragement and support to others. Feel free to PM me as well.

I have not read this book but it was recommended to me:

Thinking, Fast and Slow: Daniel Kahneman: 9780374533557: Amazon.com: Books

Thank you so much. I love to read! I just put this on hold at my library.

I will do the same when I go to my library!