[TheOutsider90]

My husband and I have been married for 10 months. We haven't had sex in 2 years. We love each other but he just never seems to be in the mood. I don't get it. I don't feel like I'm wanted, in that way. And before anyone suggests it, I dont think he's cheating. I've tried to talk to him but it never goes anywhere.

Help?!?!

[Ohseedee]

Hi there! Has your husband ever been checked for low testosterone levels? It's a common cause of low sex drive.

[TheOutsider90]

Originally Posted by Ohseedee

Hi there! Has your husband ever been checked for low testosterone levels? It's a common cause of low sex drive.

Hmm. I've never thought of that, but no I don't believe he has

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry, TheOutsider90 It must be very hard for you. I agree with what Osheedee has already wisely said. Perhaps you could try to have him checked for low testoreone levels or other medical problems. Is he stressed out at work? Perhaps you could work on this problem together. Have you tried couple counseling? Maybe that could help. You could learn new ways to deal with his lack of sexual activity. Hopefully he/she will be able to help you. I hope you'll both be able to find a solution. Many couples lose sexual interest after a while. You're definitely not alone in this. I hope things will get better soon for both of you. You deserve to have an active and healthy sex life. I'm here for you if you need to talk about it. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[Carmina]

Originally Posted by Ohseedee

Hi there! Has your husband ever been checked for low testosterone levels? It's a common cause of low sex drive.

So is depression - and some of us can mask depression very well, even to ourselves. I went off sex in 2 long term relationships and it had nothing to do with not loving my partner, it was all bound up with difficulties with touch, childhood trauma/abuse, dissociation, low self-esteem, severe anxiety and depression. I was going into myself and shutting myself down because I couldn't understand what was happening and afraid of losing the person I cared about even though I also knew I was pushing her away the fear just made it even harder to open up. I felt overwhelmed by even the slightest touch and when my partners tried to 'seduce' me I felt dirty and guilty that they were humiliating themselves just to please me (and sometimes I would make myself have sex to please them and feel like dying afterwards).

I fundamentally did not really believe anyone could really love me and thought that the only way someone could was if I on put on an act that wasn't really me, but it was harder to sustain that over time. I now know I have C-PTSD but that is too late for those relationships, which makes me sad because I also know even though I feel desperately lonely I still fear being in a relationship.

Originally Posted by TheOutsider90

My husband and I have been married for 10 months. We haven't had sex in 2 years. We love each other but he just never seems to be in the mood. I don't get it. I don't feel like I'm wanted, in that way. And before anyone suggests it, I dont think he's cheating. I've tried to talk to him but it never goes anywhere.

Help?!?!

Can you live a life of solitary sex? If you can't, why would you marry someone you have not been having sex with unless you didn't know that it would be a sexless marriage (maybe you thought he was saving himself for marriage/against premarital sex?). Are you in love with him? I have read in many articles that sex strengthens a marriage and I think that if both of you do not figure out why he doesn't want you sexually and/or why you would accept a sexless marriage--your marriage will be unhappy.

When you try to talk to him--Does he take the discussion seriously? Is he opening up or closing down? Keep talking with him. Sorry you are in this situation.

Also, if he doesn't eventually talk about why he doesn't want to have sex--he is not even being fully emotionally intimate either. Seems like something might be wrong then. Are both of you emotionally intimate in other ways? What do you like about him? If you have depression and anxiety --keep working on that--sometimes our anxiety makes us afraid to face problems in a straightforward way.

[TheOutsider90]

Originally Posted by Carmina

So is depression - and some of us can mask depression very well, even to ourselves. I went off sex in 2 long term relationships and it had nothing to do with not loving my partner, it was all bound up with difficulties with touch, childhood trauma/abuse, dissociation, low self-esteem, severe anxiety and depression. I was going into myself and shutting myself down because I couldn't understand what was happening and afraid of losing the person I cared about even though I also knew I was pushing her away the fear just made it even harder to open up. I felt overwhelmed by even the slightest touch and when my partners tried to 'seduce' me I felt dirty and guilty that they were humiliating themselves just to please me (and sometimes I would make myself have sex to please them and feel like dying afterwards).

I fundamentally did not really believe anyone could really love me and thought that the only way someone could was if I on put on an act that wasn't really me, but it was harder to sustain that over time. I now know I have C-PTSD but that is too late for those relationships, which makes me sad because I also know even though I feel desperately lonely I still fear being in a relationship.

Also possible- I have depression and anxiety myself and I know that he is going through some stuff too

[TheOutsider90]

Originally Posted by Nowinners

Can you live a life of solitary sex? If you can't, why would you marry someone you have not been having sex with unless you didn't know that it would be a sexless marriage (maybe you thought he was saving himself for marriage/against premarital sex?). Are you in love with him? I have read in many articles that sex strengthens a marriage and I think that if both of you do not figure out why he doesn't want you sexually and/or why you would accept a sexless marriage--your marriage will be unhappy.

When you try to talk to him--Does he take the discussion seriously? Is he opening up or closing down? Keep talking with him. Sorry you are in this situation.

I am in love with him, and the sex was way more consistent before we got engaged. After that we moved in on our own, and at first i didn't want to have sex because it was the apartment my uncle had passed away in, and it sounds silly but I guess I thought he could see us. But I got used to living there but still the sex never started up again.

Originally Posted by TheOutsider90

I am in love with him, and the sex was way more consistent before we got engaged. After that we moved in on our own, and at first i didn't want to have sex because it was the apartment my uncle had passed away in, and it sounds silly but I guess I thought he could see us. But I got used to living there but still the sex never started up again.

Maybe he was told "no" too many times and it hurt his feelings? Have you tried "throwing yourself" at him and making it clear how sexy he is? Awkward (throwing yourself at people is awkward when you have anxiety) and clutsy is fine--it's my MO.

[TheOutsider90]

Originally Posted by Nowinners

Maybe he was told "no" too many times and it hurt his feelings? Have you tried "throwing yourself" at him and making it clear how sexy he is? Awkward and clutsy is fine--it's my MO.

I wouldnt say I've thrown myself at him but I've gotten into bed with lingerie and kind of tested the waters by trying to kiss him more passionately but if he doesn't respond I just kind of give up

Originally Posted by TheOutsider90

I wouldnt say I've thrown myself at him but I've gotten into bed with lingerie and kind of tested the waters by trying to kiss him more passionately but if he doesn't respond I just kind of give up

Was this after he went to work all day? Perhaps ask him to take you to dinner or lunch (on the weekend?) then where something sexy, tell him about your lingerie/lack of underware before/during the dinner. Tell him how much you need it ASAP. If he doesn't--keep asking. Send sexy texts. Embarrass yourself. Force yourself to be more up front than you normally are. He will appreciate that you tried.

[Carmina]

Originally Posted by Nowinners

Was this after he went to work all day? Perhaps ask him to take you to dinner or lunch (on the weekend?) then where something sexy, tell him about your lingerie/lack of underware before/during the dinner. Tell him how much you need it ASAP. If he doesn't--keep asking. Send sexy texts. Embarrass yourself. Force yourself to be more up front than you normally are. He will appreciate that you tried.

I know some guys might like that sort of thing but honestly, that would have freaked me out when I was going through this stuff, my wife actually offered to try this sort of thing and my first partner just did it but in both cases I just felt guiltier that they were having to do this for me.

What helped me most in a subsequent relationship, after a lot of counselling/therapy, was tantra and taking things really slow, getting used to being touched (which took a lot of work and still does) and my own sexual needs and learning how to retuning into my partner's.

[TheOutsider90]

Originally Posted by Carmina

I know some guys might like that sort of thing but honestly, that would have freaked me out when I was going through this stuff, my wife actually offered to try this sort of thing and my first partner just did it but in both cases I just felt guiltier that they were having to do this for me.

What helped me most in a subsequent relationship, after a lot of counselling/therapy, was tantra and taking things really slow, getting used to being touched (which took a lot of work and still does) and my own sexual needs and learning how to retuning into my partner's.

I also don't want to change myself in order to just turn him on... I want to be enough on my own.

[divine1966]

Are you an older couple? After I hit menopause my interest in sex literally dropped immediately. Do you express affection with each other in other ways like hugging kissing cuddling etc?

[TheOutsider90]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Are you an older couple? After I hit menopause my interest in sex literally dropped immediately. Do you express affection with each other in other ways like hugging kissing cuddling etc?

We are both 29. We do hug and kiss and sometimes cuddle... But we are also both busy and don't often have a lot of time to just lay down on a couch and cuddle.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by TheOutsider90

We are both 29. We do hug and kiss and sometimes cuddle... But we are also both busy and don't often have a lot of time to just lay down on a couch and cuddle.

Wow. 29 is very young. And you just got married?

You need to address this. I honestly have never met a man who didn’t want sex all the time (or at least often) at any age regardless how busy they are. There has to be an issue why he isn’t interested in sex: medical, mental, resentment etc

You need to communicate directly that at 29 sexless marriage has to have some kind of reason/explanation. I’d sit him down and have a serious talk. He might need to see a doctor if it’s medical etc Are you planning to have children?

[TheOutsider90]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Wow. 29 is very young. And you just got married?

You need to address this. I honestly have never met a man who didn’t want sex all the time (or at least often) at any age regardless how busy they are. There has to be an issue why he isn’t interested in sex: medical, mental, resentment etc

You need to communicate directly that at 29 sexless marriage has to have some kind of reason/explanation. I’d sit him down and have a serious talk. He might need to see a doctor if it’s medical etc Are you planning to have children?

Yes, we got married last April. We have been talking about children and we both want children,

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by TheOutsider90

Yes, we got married last April. We have been talking about children and we both want children,

Unless you want to adopt or other methods like surrogacy, you kind of have to have sex for that. But it’s neither here nor there at the moment. I suspect that Sexless marriage is not very common At such young age. So I’d try to get to the bottom of it ASAP

[divine1966]

Ok I looked up your previous posts and I remember your situation now. I’d say that lack of sex might be the least of the issues here. There are ton of quite serious issues involved in this marriage. Suspicious women texting him or what not, money missing, him often not being nice, suspicious of his drug abuse etc Is your marriage improving or getting worse with time?

[TheOutsider90]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Ok I looked up your previous posts and I remember your situation now. I’d say that lack of sex might be the least of the issues here. There are ton of quite serious issues involved in this marriage. Suspicious women texting him or what not, money missing, him often not being nice, suspicious of his drug abuse etc Is your marriage improving or getting worse with time?

It has been improving, or at least I thought so.

[FriendlyJoe]

Originally Posted by TheOutsider90

My husband and I have been married for 10 months. We haven't had sex in 2 years. We love each other but he just never seems to be in the mood. I don't get it. I don't feel like I'm wanted, in that way. And before anyone suggests it, I dont think he's cheating. I've tried to talk to him but it never goes anywhere.


Help?!?!

So you didnt have sex for 14 months before getting married? I would have seen that as a red flag and a no sex marriage. My guess is that just the person he is. Doesnt have much of a desire for it.

[divine1966]

Could be drug abuse, past or present

[healingme4me]

Maybe he had a medical condition? What does he have to say about this lack of intimate relations inside the marriage? Or did I miss a post?

Hello Outsider90,

that sounds sad and very frustrating for you. I am sorry you're going through this. I do know that the research indicates that there are lots of sexless marriages for all sorts of reasons. Not that that solves your problem but possibly helpful to know that you are not alone.

Have you two been able to have a calm and loving talk about the sex issue?

I hear what you're saying. People tend to get very reductive about these problems ("oh he must be cheating on you" or "men constantly want sex") when those are not actually true. If you take a look at some articles on Psychology Today and elsewhere you'll see that there are a lot of stereotypes about male sexuality which aren't based in reality.

What about speaking with a sex therapist? Would you be open to that? Would he? If he isn't open to it, you could certainly go on your own to get some ideas.

I hope you can find support and solutions. Sex is very important for relationships unless of course both parties agree that they do not want it. Which does not sound like your situation.

Peace to you

[luvyrself]

Women texting him sounds really bad. Some medications or drugs like cocaine can cause serious problems. Here’s a test to help figure this out: in my experience, if oral sex doesn’t work (and you’d better know how to do it) you really have a problem and he’d better see a medical doctor and be honest about this. Sorry to be so blunt but this is a serious problem.