Passive versus Assertive?

Is being assertive and communicating openly with people really best?

Here’s why I ask... I observed an example with my boss and coworker that I see and I also personally experience a lot. It really bothers me... It’s not just the workplace, it’s everywhere.

I have a really nice boss and one of my coworkers in particular really takes advantage of her. Our boss has put up with months of my coworker calling in all the time and now she’s spending most of the day on Facebook. It’s a long story but this coworker has a lot of personal issues... she had a serious family emergency and then some health issues... our company is really good about accommodating these things but my coworker took advantage of the leeway she was given and she has been very lazy and manipulative.

Our boss finally got fed up and directly said something to her. Instead of acknowledging she was in the wrong and apologizing, my coworker got mad. She complained to me about how mean and unfair our boss was to her. She wanted to bad mouth our boss to me but I didn’t badmouth the boss or show any sympathy so she was a bit hostile toward me as well.

Instead of appreciating how generous our boss has been to her during all her personal issues, my worker went on the attack for being called out on her games.

I noticed that instead of arguing with my coworker who just wanted to whine... our boss has given her the cold shoulder instead. She is polite and professional to her but my coworker is definitely feeling the tension. At first she complained at being left out of lunch invites and whatnot... and then... she finally shut up and sort of straightened her act up... a little.

So here’s my question. Is it worth it to try and have honest and open communication with people? I don’t think most people can handle it because they want to blame everyone else instead. The person trying to be assertive seems to end up getting all the blame. I am starting to think actions speak far louder than words and in most cases, the passive cold shoulder gets you further than trying to be assertive.

I would really like to hear your thoughts on this...

Hmmm, honestly the first thing that came to my mind is the phrase, you need to pick and choose your battles.

I have bitten my lip in such situations I have found myself in all on account I wanted to avoid a confrontation. However, this is slowly changing as I am becoming a little more assertive. I suppose you could accuse me of being passive aggressive but I at least am feeling better for having said something at all. You need not in this case confront your coworker. It could be good enough to simply state you don't wish to be drawn into an argument or would much rather remain impartial. This may give the coworker the message she is overstepping while at the same time avoiding an all out confrontation.

I can think of a litany of situations and events in my life where I wish I had been more assertive, where remaining passive was not the solution to the problem at all. I would much rather have had the gumption to have been more assertive.

I would be careful always with lumping the lot of people together into any group and saying everyone or even "many" and generalize situations where you assume that people are good or bad or handle things one way or another. Handle your experiences as they come to you and adjust for individual situations accordingly. because 10 marys or joes are jerks to you does not mean that the next person is going to do the same. It has no effect, it's just a statistic and assumption is bad in situations when we're talking about dealing with people in a more generalistic way.

What I mean is don't form your opinion about how you should handle situations like you just dealt with based on a few bad players. Do what you think is right and stick with that. what the outcome of your reaction or handling of the situation whether bad or good should not affect whether you continue to do what you think is right.

Assess the situation and person as you come to it. I can only say that the reaction of the person you speak of should only affect how you handle HER in the same type of situation later. She sounds like a spoiled brat in the work place if you ask me but I'm sure you've had others that do not act this way so it would be unfair to avoid confronting people that may handle it better because you've lumped them in with the bad apple.

As for assertiveness - Keep in mind assertiveness isn't confrontational. Assertiveness isn't aggressive. Assertiveness is something that should be something that shows that you are a strong but honest and respectful person. Most people will react to such constructive criticism as such.

I am not sure how secure your coworker's job is but she could be jeopordizing her future/burning an important bridge.

You did the right thing. Try to remember, this is your bosses job and continue to stay out of the fight as much as possible.

Thank you for your kind feedback. I definitely stayed out of the whole situation. Sadly, this kind of behavior is very common at my work.

I didn’t use the example for the purpose of solving a work-related issue though. I just thought it was a good example of common behaviors I see people exhibit in all kinds of relationships. I’m saying nothing to my coworker and boss. I just thought it was interesting to observe that my coworker responded better to the cold shoulder versus a direct conversation.

I realize work relationships are very different than personal relationships... but I just thought this particular example was a good example of behaviors I often see exhibited in relationships of all kinds.

I don’t care at all about this coworker or how she works out her problems. I just found it interesting that she responded better and changed her behavior more after getting the cold shoulder versus the direct conversation. I do see this relationship dynamic play out quite often... in all kinds of situations.

How assertive we can be sometimes depends on the situation. For instance, I've had a situations where I have had to write people up then they go straight to my boss. When they act out toward me (because I know I don't come off that assertive), they gave me a head's up to inform my boss (if I hadn't done so already). In one situation--the person got fired when she went above me because it was a temporary job where people were let go of all of the time. I have also experienced where other coworkers in a section get upset when their friend is written up. Encouragement and positive reinforcement is safer than discipline. Discipline is like war sometimes--there can be unintended/unforeseen negative consequences. Your coworker will probably settle down or escalate.

I'm so sorry, Sisabel I understand what you mean. I'd say it depends on the situation and on the people you're dealing with. Some people react better then you give him the cold shouldern, some people only after an heated discussion, and some others will probably never learn. I don't think there's a single answer for everyone. I'd say you need to adjust to the situation. Even the work environment can require different things, like you've already said. That's just my opinion though. The final decision is up to you, Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

I think the less said the better these days. I am learning to watch behaviors and pay attention to red flags. I don’t always listen well to my intuition. I need to.

It seems like your boss did the all right things:

1). Initially acted in good faith and with patience towards your co-worker, giving her the benefit of doubt.
2). Confronted her when it became necessary.
3). Based on her reaction, gave her the cold shoulder, not giving her the power for more drama.

Your boss may not be substituting cold shoulder for confrontation. It may just be about avoiding endless going back and forth with someone you can't reason with. With some people, the more you try to explain and clarify, more they want to refute, challenge, and argue with you. With others, they sincerely want to have a discussion in order to solve the conflict or empathize with your feelings. A lot of times, someone's reaction to a confrontation will indicate the next step you need to take in dealing with that person.

It depends on the person. I for one do better with blunt and direct from people. It gives me less anxiety however because i generally keep to myself i find most are not willing to do that with me

I think to add to what I've said already, less is better when you're not in a position of authority, yourself. Thing is when it involves a coworker breaking a rule that doesn't directly affect you, if they are not a close friend or confidant speaking to them about their behavior may be taken badly regardless of your intentions. So with those two things in mind, again it depends on the person in question that you have an issue with.

As an authority figure, lead, supervisor or manager, speaking to the rule breaker or insubordinate employee, etc... is your job.

That’s a great way to put it. Watching people’s reactions would be a great way for me to determine the next step in how I’ll interact with someone.