Not sure what to do

The kids without the perfect pitch are great musicians too. It takes practice. Don’t let anyone intimidate you.

Because I don't want to fall again for the lies of "I love and accept you" again. Because the actions don't follow the words. With the gender stuff, no straight man could ever possibly accept me or understand me. I'd have to be a "woman" and forget who I am again. I also don't want to have to live in someone's shadow. I grew up with a man who thought females were inferior. I don't feel like I can be treated like an equal or that I can be equal if I actually am inferior to a man in any way. My ex didn't even defend me when other men would treat me as inferior.

I can't imagine anyone who identifies with their gender assigned at birth and is straight (to a lesser extent) to understand how scary it is to be yourself at all and especially to a non-LGBT+ potential partner. Or how easily I can be pushed into the role.

That only works if both partners are willing to actually help the other out and put even a little bit of effort using their skills to help their partner achieve their dream etc. It really means nothing if there's no actual teamwork. And why would I ever trust someone to actually be a team player and actually help me where I lack without accusing me of being willfully stupid or inept? It doesn't matter that I give freely of my time and talents to help another person.

And the playing by ear thing...I have never met someone with a music degree or was in a music program or plays professionally that was worse than me at playing by ear. I can do it, but I'm very slow so I can never get it as fast as other people. No one's been able to figure out why. I have a better sense of intonation and music reading ability than a lot of people. I think it's because I have a really hard time paying attention to anything and I can only process small amounts of aural/oral data at a time. If someone gives me instructions on how to do something, it has to be one step at a time or it has to be written down. If someone says two steps in a row, unless they're incredibly short, I just forgot the first one. But no one cares about that. They just care that you're too slow and an inconvenience. And then I can't enjoy playing with people when I have to play by ear because no one's willing to help me. Mr. perfect pitch wouldn't help me and when he tried he would just get mad that I would forget information like I was being stupid on purpose. How would that not hurt my feelings? That I'm so stupid and incapable that someone can't even believe I'm that stupid.

The gender roles haven’t really gone so smooth for me too.

I remember I had a book when I was little that said the daddy and son do this and the mommy and daughter do this- totally traditional gender roles. I bet that book is no longer in print! Lol.

It’s nice how today, nothing is so clearly defined and old school traditional anymore.

Have you taken any music theory yet? That’s when my oldest quit playing seriously because he said he just couldn’t grasp the theory.

I wish I had learned to play an instrument. I sang and have a really good sense about music, but no education. I can’t read music. But I can tell a song from hearing the first note sometimes. Remember that show Name That Tune? I could have won that.

I've taken most of the graduate music theory classes. If there were any professor jobs out there, I'd probably be teaching theory. It was the minor area of my doctorate after all. Knowing theory doesn't do anything but destroy your creativity and make you into an elitist jerk. While being able to read music is helpful, a real musician can play everything by ear. I can't play an exact melody by ear in the moment, so I usually have to come up with a countermelody or a harmony line. I can sing melody just fine if I know the song, but I usually like to sing harmony by ear. My voice is too low to comfortably sing women's songs anyway, and besides, I get bored.

If I can watch a violinist play, I can figure the notes out by watching AND listening. By just listening it's so much harder. Or trying to translate a tune I know onto an instrument without any reference. Apparently, everyone else does it SO easily. So I guess I'm just stupid.

Someone with a doctorate is NOT stupid.

Most certainly “everyone” isn’t able to hear the notes right. You have very black and white thinking going on. What’s your definition of stupid? Figuring out notes doesn’t make one smart and not hearing notes right doesn’t make people stupid. Many people can’t draw a straight line. Doesn’t make them stupid. You have somewhat rigid views on things.

I can't do simple tasks that others do easily. What else would you call it? It would be one thing if I had a mental disability or something...

Or would it be idiot savant or something...I can do difficult tasks easily but nothing easy. I was teased for not being able to do simple things when I was younger.

If they can't draw a straight line, they're not an art major or anything like that. That's my point. I was always the slowest/worst in the class in hearing notes. One class for example right now has us playing common melodies by ear as students are trying different teaching strategies. I can figure out one, maybe two phrases, by the time everyone else has figured it out and then I can't fully participate. I can't even remember the melody in such a cacophony of sound so I don't know how other people do it.

When you're consistently the worst among your peers no matter how much extra work you do on your own, it starts to wear on you as a person. Or at least if there was someone else who didn't get it so I wasn't always the only one left out.

No they wouldn’t choose art major. But it wouldn’t make them stupid. In fact it would show that they are smart understanding that it’s just not their thing.

Other people figure music out and you don’t doesn’t mean they are smart and you are stupid. They just have better ability in something. When you are talking about art of music, besides hard work and general intelligence one has to have an ability/talent. Talent is not an inducation of smarts. It is what it is. If you totally lacked abilities, you’d not be accepted to a program and likely wouldn’t graduate. You must have ability in simethhhg.

If you believe you lack ability though and are the worst among your peers (and in addition to it it bothers you) what made you choose this path?

If I’m understanding correctly, you have a Ph.D in a music discipline, maybe music education. And you are saying, when you perform music, you have too slow a response time to be able to play and wing-it, playing off others. So, I am getting the impression that you only play solo, after much practice, or with others but it must be rehearsed and very routine. Please correct if that’s wrong.

When I’ve seen or performed with bands, it’s quite improvisational. There isn’t even a set list sometimes. My dad, the keyboardist, just starts playing one of the hundreds of songs the band plays, the standards, and they just jump in. The sax takes a solo, then back to the drummer, etc... is this what you are saying is so challenging for you?

I am talking about lounge bands, not classical orchestras. I have no idea what in the mind makes one good at the improvised element of performing music. You have a very interesting issue here.

I agree with Divine about how you are telling yourself you are ALL BAD because you are not good at one thing. Abusive parents can do such a head number on us.

As for the person who treated his cat better than you... the next person won’t do that.

I improvise just fine. It comes down to me needing a few minutes, a quiet room, and possibly getting the melody slowed down to get something that others get faster. But as usual, I'm defined solely by what I struggle with and not by what I do better than most.

But back to the original topic, the time to approach him has passed. I read the whole thing wrong. He was just being nice and there's no interest there. It was kind of dumb to think there was.

Who defines you, others? How do you know what they think of you? This sounds like faulty thinking.

I could tell you weren’t really interested in pursuing him, either. It wasn’t dumb of you to have read some interest from him. He may have genuinely had or still has some interest in you. Even if he didn’t and you had asked him for coffee, you never know if interest could have developed. But, if you overthink all the negatives, you will talk yourself out of pursuing every time.

Meanwhile, it is good that you found someone attractive and there is bound to be someone else in the future that you will feel the same as well and maybe it will be mutual.

I just can't imagine him having any interest in me. And I've only really had luck not doing the pursuing at all or at least waiting until someone else made the first move.

I just don't see what's so great about being single. The only thing I can think of is that I get to be myself. I don't understand what a relationship is supposed to be like, but aren't you supposed to be able to be yourself in a relationship or is that asking too much? So outside of that, I don't understand what's supposed to be so great about this. Being alone most of the time, not having someone to share things with, not having someone to hang out with on a regular basis. Friends never fill up enough of that time...they're not someone you can talk to everyday and hang out with once (or more a week) because they have their own families etc. And that doesn't make the nights and mornings less lonely.

All I know is that there were brief moments in a relationship where I didn't feel lonely and actually felt accepted and understood. Unfortunately, the latter two were a lie, but it's still better than nothing. I can just go back to daydreaming about being in a relationship.

I don't think I'd even ask for that much in a real relationship, but maybe it is...someone that I can talk to, someone I can hang out with, someone that accepts me, someone I can feel comfortable being myself around, someone I can have a satisfying sex life with. I don't need to get any emotional support, as long as my feelings aren't used against me. I want nothing to do with "romance" so I'm pretty easy that way. They wouldn't ever have to spend anything on me if they didn't want to. I wouldn't have to be #1 priority anyway...maybe 2 or 3 would be nice. I generally just accept anyone for their flaws so they don't have to be the greatest person ever. Just nice.

Being single and daydreaming about being in a relationship is an option, not a healthy one, but still an option.

You deserve to have it all in a relationship, everything you said, even the stuff you say you would settle to go without.

Maybe some people truly have it all? Maybe they have low expectations so they are content with what they get?

TBH, I had low expectations when I got married, but over time, I decided I deserved to have all you described. I caused the struggle by raising the bar.

As for getting a date though, there is an art to that process. You seem uncomfortable with it, insecure, over think it and talk yourself out of it.

It’s only natural to want to be in a relationship. And nothing wrong with having high expectations. Provided that those high expectations aren’t superficial in nature (like focusing on looks).

For me it feels better to be in a relationship if it’s very good. If it’s not, it feels better to be single.

I don’t think people are happy/satisfied in their marriage/relationship just because they have low expectations. It kind of diminishes and degrades their marriage. I refuse to think poorly of other people’s marriages (and mine own too).

The key is to meet right person. Not perfect, but right. Life us too short to waste it on wrong matches

As about dating, yes it’s not easy, time consuming, risky and stressful. Unfortunately unless we are in arranged marriage, we got to date to meet the right person. So you got to take risks

Never mind, I had a response but I don't know anymore.

He did add me on Facebook himself, although it was because someone else needed to add me because of a project and I likely showed up under the people you may know section.

I'm still unsure of what to do. Even if I'm drawn to or attracted to him at all, there are still things about him that cause a visceral reaction in me.

Well, he is taken. I think he also figured out that I liked him. I guess I made it obvious without stating so explicitly. At least he saved me from completely humiliating myself.

It feels like my heart is broken again, even though I had no idea there was anything left to break. I know I need to be more mature and not have crushes on people. I feel just as stupid (if not more so) as I did when I first noticed those feelings. Embarrassing. Even more embarrassing is that I keep crying about it and about other things...ugh.

You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t even embarrass yourself. This one just wasn’t for you. Next!

Do you find others attractive? When you want to go somewhere, like a movie, just ask someone to go with you.

I’ve found people to be really happy to get an invitation to do anything. They love when I ask them to lunch or whatever, even as a friend.

Maybe go to a single’s Meet Up. Just make friends with singles. Stay away from the unavailable.

This guy isn’t off the table as being your friend, either. Who knows, maybe he has a friend for you...

Him being taken isn’t embarrassing or a reflection on you at all. You can’t possibly know someone is taken unless they wear a wedding ring but even the you might not notice it.

Meetups is a good idea.

It’s embarrassing that I felt that way in the first place. It’s just worse that he’s taken, making it unwanted. I don’t find anyone else attractive at the moment.

Oddly, I don’t think there are any single’s meetups around here and even if they were, aren’t they just for straight people? I go to other meetups all the time, mostly queer ones, and it doesn’t really help finding anyone, even friends outside the event.

It’s extremely rare that someone has a friend for me. I think that only happened once and it was years ago in a different city and something I couldn’t act on anyway.

What’s embarrassing about being attracted to someone? I’m sure there are others who will find you attractive. You aren’t so different and alone in this world. You aren’t a unicorn.

From reading your posts I think that one thing you don't want to feel is "inferior" like your father made you feel. It sounds like that is what you keep trying to fix, to change how your father's messages kept affecting your self esteem. A relationship with a man "can" trigger you to feel inferior which is probably why you don't want a man to have anything else he cares about. I am wondering if your confusion about sexuality and being with a woman has more to do with your need to feel superior than actual sexuality.

It's interesting reading what you think about music too. I was always one that could do best music wise by ear, yet struggled when it came to reading sheet music and connecting the notes with the sounds. I was able to sit at a piano and play it by ear and yet to expect me to play it according to sheet music, forget it I would be lost. I honestly had no idea that it was a positive thing to be able to sing and play by ear, always felt I was a kind of "fake" because I could not do it that way. I would be able to play the guitar by seeing chords though, not the notes as I could remember the sound of the chords. It was not until YEARS later when I heard the Beetles wrote music and yet could not read or write music with notes etc. I used to write my own songs, but not in a conventional way. I wish I had known it was ok that I did so much by ear. I had to hear songs to remember them, and could not look at sheet music and sing by that. The music I wrote was by chords that I learned when I taught myself how to play the guitar. The song itself was memorized as I could not write it out into sheet music. I would have needed someone who could actually write things out into sheet music. I was ashamed to tell anyone that. So, I can understand that feeling of feeling "stupid" and needing to hide that lack of ability.

Anyway, it sounds to me that your father imprinted some deep doubt in you where you don't know how to create a feeling of worthiness and you struggle to embrace your sexuality in that he kept imprinting in you how women were inferior. It sounds like what you WANT to find a way to rid yourself of feeling the most is feeling "inferior".

That's why you don't want a relationship with someone who has cats or pets or strong family ties. These attachments would interupt your desire to overcome your need to rid yourself from feeling inferior. Perhaps your father not only sent you messages of women being inferior, but he tended to put other things as a priorty to him instead of seeing you as important and worthy.

What was your mother like? Did you even have a female presence in your life that mentored you?

I don’t know where you live but there are specifically gay meetups by me. I don’t know if they are focused on dating but they are for gays specifically.

It's embarrassing because it's immature and inappropriate because it isn't wanted/returned and he's younger.

Where are all these people who find me attractive? My ex (maybe?) and one other person that would be highly unethical to pursue even if I had an interest.

I don't recall ever turning anyone down...I mean, I dated my ex because it was my only chance at ever being in a relationship. You would never understand what it's like.

I'm getting older now so the amount of people who will find me attractive is going to get lower and lower. I try to look as young as possible so I probably have a few more years, but still, no one asks me on a date, no one flirts with me, no one has a friend that might be interested, nothing. No one I'm attracted to is available or interested.

I am attracted to women. I have a physical response to ones who are attractive. Straight people don't have to prove their sexuality by sleeping with someone of the opposite sex...I haven't had the opportunity nor have I felt particularly safe pursuing same-sex relationships. I'm really not comfortable with sex with random strangers.

And I just want to be equal. To be a person. To be acknowledged and respected for who I am and not who I'm supposed to be or should be. It is a lot more difficult to see myself as an equal and as a human being with a cisgender male. Other men treat me like an object and accessory. He makes me be as effeminate as possible to earn his approval and attraction.

And yes, I have a mother. He treated her far worse. With him at least she had food and clean water. She also was someone considered very unattractive so it must have been a surprise that someone found her attractive (if she maintained a certain weight etc.). He forced her to quit her job when they had me, but she also failed to him more kids. She failed to have a real son...I mean they did, but he died.

They were/are very anti-LGBT and anti-sex in general. I would be shocked to find out that they ever had sex outside of trying to have children. And I was conceived less than a month after my brother died. I don't know who's idea that was but I wouldn't want to have sex right after my son died, and honestly, I don't want to know.

There wasn't really any affection that I remember either. I don't think I could be touched as I would have an allergic reaction to it as a kid (welts mostly). Touch was completely foreign to me until I was in a relationship. Then I was very uncomfortable with PDA and being touched and having someone in my space CONSTANTLY. I don't find hugs or touch to be comforting and don't know why it is everyone's go-to. Why not ask if it's okay first?

Another thing about a heterosexual pairing is the sexual disadvantage I have. I wish my sexual response was almost immediate and nearly guaranteed. I strongly resented the fact that in the first few months of my last relationship I couldn't even get myself off while he would get off multiple times. And after that, I had to get myself off. What's the point? I don't find much romantic or emotional connection in it, especially if my body doesn't have much response.

I already go to most of the LGBT meetups. Sometimes I'm working at the same time so I can't go to all of them. Most people have already coupled off anyway.