Boyfriend has issue in the bedroom and is not handling it well

My boyfriend is having an issue in the bedroom..last few days he openly admitted to me that lately he has no libido. He has been under a lot of pressure and exhausted. I was being understanding. Couple days later, we were drinking and tried to be intimate..but let’s just say he had performance issues. He was ashamed and embarrassed but we talked about it..I guess I should have left things alone for a few days but I didn’t. So yesterday he said some cruel things to me trying to make it seem like has no desire to have sex with me..instead of facing the issue and looking for a solution. He is now deciding he is just not going to have sex and even used religion as an excuse..the fact that this is happening after he couldn’t perform is telling me that he isn’t facing reality. He has a therapist but now I’m starting to wonder about exactly how helpful he is..he is more arrogant if anything. As hard as it is, I have decided the best thing would be for me to give him space and see how he reacts..even if it means I don’t see him for a few days..

Could his performance relate to drinking? I am not saying he is a drunk but if he attempts to have sex after drinking, some of performance issues could be due to
that. Could be age? Maybe he should see his doctor? Although I thought you two are very young.

No we’re in our 40’s..I think it is related to drinking

I was convinced from your previous threads that you are both very young!

Initiate sex when you are both sober and see how it goes. Is he interested in it when sober?

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, divine1966 I completely agree with what divine1966 has already wisely said better than I ever could. She has already gave you some great, wonderful advice. I completely agree with her that it could be relatedto his drinking. I also completely agree with your doubts that his therapist may not be too helpful to him. I'd suggest to talk to him about this and see how it goes from there. I know you've already tried it, but I'd suggest to try again if you can. Make him understand that you do want to work with him to get better and that it's not his fault if he has low libido, but that he needs to work on it! Hopefully he'll listen to what you have to say and understand you! I hope things will get better soon for you and for him! You deserve to live an happy life together and I hope you'll both be able to get through all fo this! Remember to take care of yourself as well and that you need to be respected by him! I have noticed that he doesn't always respects youtr opinion. I'd suggest to talk to him about that as well if you can and see how it goes from there. Love and respect are both very important aspects in every relationship and I think you may need to work on it if you don't feel loved or respected enough! You deserve to be loved and respected! Sending many hugs to you and to him, Gymgirl71! Please keep us updated and let us know how it goes!

The greater the anxiety that he is experiencing, the more aggressively (absent therapy) he will defend against it.

he is dealing with it by drinking until he falls asleep.

Have you considered that he might not be the best you could do? Not saying you need to dump a guy over sexual issues, I wouldn’t, but there seems to be too many issues for a fairly new relationship.

Up to a year year in a half relationships typically is just crazy in love or at least enjoy each other hineymoon kind of stage. As initial excitement fades a bit, and people start moving towards commitment, issues might arise.

But this relationship is full of isssues early on. Now there is also drinking comes to place. Are you commited for life? If not why not explore other options?

Oohhh, that is tough. I don't like that he was cruel to you and turned the issue around onto you, making it seem like it's all you, when it's his issue. That's not Ok, in my opinion.

I don't think the issue here is his libido. (Men who are drunk can't achieve an erection.)

I think the real issue here is: why do you want to date an alcoholic?

Someone who needs to drink alcohol every night until he falls asleep, doesn't have very good self-control, and is using alcohol to suppress their problems that they just refuse to address for themselves. He's lashing out at you, b/c you are the nearest convenient target. Your presence in his life, being his girlfriend, distracts him from the pain he feels about his own problems that he obv. doesn't want to deal with. So, he projects it on to you. Am I even close with my assumption about your relationship dynamic?

Use this time away from him to decide for yourself, what you want from a man. Do you want to date a man you have to 'fix' or take care of? Or, do you want to date a man who doesn't hide from his problems behind a bottle of alcohol?

• Alcoholics feel constantly criticized and fear being controlled.

• Don’t try to boss around an alcoholic.

• You can’t make somebody stop drinking. They have to want it for themselves. (Read that several times if you need to.)

• Your phone calls/texts/emails will go unanswered, unreturned and ignored if an alcoholic is overwhelmed, overworked or feels unappreciated.

• If an alcoholic cannot handle the topic of conversation, they will ignore it (and you).

• Alcoholics tend to be self-centered and self-obsessed and immature.

• Their egos are strong. Stronger than your best intentions.

• Alcoholics fear they are not going to live up to your fantasy of them.

• Alcoholics fear failure… a lot.

• Alcoholics pity themselves.

• Alcoholics make empty promises.

• Alcoholics lie, cheat & steal.

• And they will steal your heart, too

I'm in my late 40s and recently dealt with 2 men (one 57, one 48) who were 'fixer uppers' that tried to project on to me, what they wanted me to 'fix' in them. At first, I was overwhelmed by their attention, because it's nice to feel wanted. Then I realized what they were really doing, and backed away from each guy before I got sucked in too deep where I'd be in a role that required me to put my emotional needs aside, and tend to theirs all the time. No thanks. I deserve better. And so do you.