[continuosly blue]

My relationship has been poisoned over time. It will NEVER be free of the past.
Like the old saying, “ forgiven but never forgotten “. This stuff about “ moving on “ or “ closure “ , are just meaningless psychological babble. True love is lost.
Sometimes something is so broken it can never be repaired. So why in God’s name do I keep trying ? If I’m talking to someone who speaks a different language I’ll NEVER be able to understand them. Communication is nearly impossible. I curse addiction. Because that’s what it really is. I’m addicted to sameness. To a pattern. To a routine that I don’t have the courage, resources, or abilities to change. I’m such a sorry individual. Where is my prefrontal cortex ?
Why are my emotions running the show ? I wish they could be cut out.
There’s supposedly so many lonely people in the world , where are they ?
Why can I not find a single one to befriend ? I’m so tired of this .......

[avlady]

I went through a time in my life that I found myself so lonely-after one of my good friends died. we were only 16 years old. I was afraid to go out, to sleep ,you name it, I was lonely all the time all day long. you need to find a hobbie or pick up an instrument if you can. also if not that then listen to music which saved me. I couldn't wait for the next Elton John record albums to come out. Well I have to say I did get over those songs but it gave me hope. I love music and I think it saves souls too.

[TishaBuv]

I have experienced the miraculous feeling where the seemingly irreparably damaged relationship turns a corner to a fresh start, clean slate, new beginning with hope of peace and happiness. The trick is to take it from there and make it work...haven’t figured that one out yet...but there’s hope!

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, continuosly blue I understand what you mean! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help! You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings! I'd suggest couple counseling as well if you haven't already! I'm so sorry you're both going through all of this! Communication is a VERY IMPORTANT part in every serious relationship! When communication is lacking, things can be REALLY difficult! I completely agree with what avlady and TishaBuy have already wisely said better than I ever could! I'd suggest to listen to them if you can and want! They always give such great, wonderful advice to everyone! I'm so sorry you're both going through all of this! Please don't give up hope! I hope things will get better soon for both of you! You deserve to have an happy, caring, loving and supportive relationship! Relationships are not easy! I'd suggest to talk to your partner about this and see how it goes from there if you haven't already! Hopefully they'll listen to what you have to say and understand you! If they still refuse to communicate with you listen to you or communicate with you in any other way, perhaps you may want to consider ending this relationship. May you be able to afford it? I know it's not an easy decision to make, but you need to take care of yourself as well! I hope you'll be able to find the strength that YOU DO HAVE to do the right thing by yourself, even if that means leaving your partner! That's just my opinion though! The final decision is up to you! I'm so sorry you're struggling so much! Keep fighting! You don't deserve to suffer at all! Nobody deserves to suffer at all, certainly not you! Keep fighting and stay strong! Just try to do your best! That's all you can do after all and it's more than enough! Just try to find as many distraction as you can! Anythign that may help you get through the day! Do you have a support system IRL? Any friend sor family members that you may reach out to? I'm so sorry you're struggling so much! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! Keep fighting! You're not alone here! You'll never be alone here! We all care about you here! We all love you here! Feel free to vent and write as much as you need and want! You know we'll NEVER judge you! I promise you that! Feel free to speak and write COMPLETELY freely here! Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let me know if I can do something to help you! Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, continously blue! You're awesome! You're a strong, wonderful person! You're strong! You're a warrior! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! We're all cheering you on! Please try to believe in yourself as much as you can! I hope you'll be able to believe in yourself the same way we all believe in you! Keep fighting! Please remember that you're a strong, wonderful person! We all know that! I'm sure you know that as well even if it's deep down! Keep fighting! You're an awesome, strong warrior! Please remember that!

Originally Posted by continuosly blue

This stuff about “ moving on “ or “ closure “ , are just meaningless psychological babble. True love is lost.
Sometimes something is so broken it can never be repaired. So why in God’s name do I keep trying ?

You say you don't have "the courage, resources, or abilities to change."

Don't doom yourself like that. "This too shall pass."

It's a temporary phase, and perhaps it's been a very long temporary phase, but it's not forever. There is hope.

In time, you will be able to prioritize things that really matter = mutual relationships/ friendships;

and let go of things that are waste of your time = trying to mend an unmendable bond one-sidedly.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by continuosly blue

My relationship has been poisoned over time. It will NEVER be free of the past.
Like the old saying, “ forgiven but never forgotten “. This stuff about “ moving on “ or “ closure “ , are just meaningless psychological babble. True love is lost.
Sometimes something is so broken it can never be repaired. So why in God’s name do I keep trying ? If I’m talking to someone who speaks a different language I’ll NEVER be able to understand them. Communication is nearly impossible. I curse addiction. Because that’s what it really is. I’m addicted to sameness. To a pattern. To a routine that I don’t have the courage, resources, or abilities to change. I’m such a sorry individual. Where is my prefrontal cortex ?
Why are my emotions running the show ? I wish they could be cut out.
There’s supposedly so many lonely people in the world , where are they ?
Why can I not find a single one to befriend ? I’m so tired of this .......

You struggle with complex ptsd. This typically means that a person grew up in some kind of dysfunctional environment and struggled to actually "feel" safe. Physical abuse tends to come with a lot of emotional abuse too. It can be very hard to know what "healthy love" really is. If a person is lucky to experience a mentor, that increases their chances of experiencing something "healthy" and to regain their personal sense of self worth and develp a stronger sense of self esteem.

The KEY is not to condemn yourself for whatever you had to do in order to survive either. Your saying that you seem to be addicted to "sameness", isn't always ALL BAD either. We are simply designed to figure out how to survive and it's actually pretty normal to develop our certain ways of doing so and prefering the "same" in that it's familiar to us and we are familiar with the challenges. We are in fact designed to seek "sameness" in that we have figured out how to survive whatever that "sameness" entails. Actually, the reason we like to experience what we know is that it allows us to navigate without having to use our frontal lobe constantly to figure out all kinds of details and have to stop and think about where things are all the time.

Emotional is especially hard, and for someone with complex ptsd, the emotional is often THE MOST sensitive area in the individual. That is the area of the individual's brain that is connected to their sense of well being and when someone has been emotionally abused or neglected, that means they were punished for having "emotions" which means they were punished for just being human. Often what is lacking for someone with c-ptsd is emotional safety. This can make them more vulnerable to ending up in an abusive relationship because abusers look for emotionally insecure individuals because they know they can manipulate and control them. Abusers tend to start off by getting emotionally fearful individuals to feel safe and protected, then they slowly use that against them by loving and withdrawing.

Sound familiar?

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by continuosly blue

My relationship has been poisoned over time. It will NEVER be free of the past.
Like the old saying, “ forgiven but never forgotten “. This stuff about “ moving on “ or “ closure “ , are just meaningless psychological babble. True love is lost.
Sometimes something is so broken it can never be repaired. So why in God’s name do I keep trying ? If I’m talking to someone who speaks a different language I’ll NEVER be able to understand them. Communication is nearly impossible. I curse addiction. Because that’s what it really is. I’m addicted to sameness. To a pattern. To a routine that I don’t have the courage, resources, or abilities to change. I’m such a sorry individual. Where is my prefrontal cortex ?
Why are my emotions running the show ? I wish they could be cut out.
There’s supposedly so many lonely people in the world , where are they ?
Why can I not find a single one to befriend ? I’m so tired of this .......

I was in a marriage for 33 years. By the time I left any kind of interface with him literally caused my anger to explode & I literally saw red. It was a scary feeling. At that point I was sure if I ever had any thing to do with him ever again it would end up exactly the same.

Our relationship degraded so bad over those years there was no possible way of fixing anything & I got to the point I could no longer tolerate him.

I hadn't realized at the time that the major depression I had experienced the previous 13 years was in part what I was not even totally acknowledging how bad my actually marriage was on top of other loss of career issues.

I didn't want to give up my house & things I had worked so hard for.....but finally the cost of "status quo" became greater than the cost of leaving it all for something in my life TOTALLY UNKNOWN.

We keep trying because we have not convinced ourselves that the cost of staying is greater than the cost of leaving

Honestly even as I was leaving there was a VERY SMALL THOUGHT in my brain that maybe my actual leaving would finally get through to him that he needed to make the changes that would make the marriage at least tolerable even if not really good ever again. He didn't & I was gone & he was just as impossible to communicate with as ever.

Remember if you are both speaking different languages neither of you will understand each other...not just you. Lol....this statement totally reminds me of what I went through. It got so bad at times that I would sit him down like a kid & make sure he was listening & then I would make him tell me back what he understood me to say. Sometimes he would look at me exactly as if I were speaking a foreign language which is exactly why it degraded to sitting him down like a child. This wasn't dementia or anything like that because he was like that all 33 years of the marriage. My patience & tolerance was GONE by the end.

My anxiety level was so high & when anxiety is high the emotional mind does take over. It takes a concerted effort to access the logical mind & C-PTSD adds to the difficulty.....but it is possible.

As for "closure" that actually came last summer after 11 years totally away from each other & my going through very intense therapy with an outstanding T. I had a court case against him & wasn't sure how I would be able to handle myself knowing he never changed. We actually sat down & went through things in the house & had some very good closure conversations that NEVER got emotional. I actually shocked myself to be able to handle it the way I did. In my case therapy really paid off & so did the distance.

I forgive.....but I would never be stupid enough to go back. I have come to enjoy my single life while enjoying having made good friends in my new home. It all just really evolved into the life I have now. I took the first step & then everything just happened & I adapted because it felt comfortable & I felt peace for the first time in my life.

You can make a positive & good change fir your future