[FoxFire Kinemon]

Before I continue: This is my first post so I apologize if it's in the wrong forum or if I did not adhere to any necessary formatting.

Also, this is inexorably long. Please bear with me.

So... I'm currently in a relationship. In fact, I'm currently engaged. My fiance has been going through quite a lot in the past year and I think I've become somewhat of a punching bag for her.

To some up some of the issues she's been experiencing, her father is currently dying due to a kidney disease that is progressing much faster than doctors predicted and has only been exponentially progressing. Basically, his only shot has been her donating her kidney to him. In this process, she has been tested for the same disease he has and fears at every step of the way that she will fail some test and no longer be able to help him.
Additionally, my fiance and both my sister as well as my mother have never quite got along. This doesn't come at any particular surprise to me as I know very well that they can be quite the handful and are practically the same person in two different bodies. However, this progressed beyond what I could have ever dreamed of into darn near tag-teamed verbal abuse from each of them. As she is definitely emotionally sensitive, this has been hitting really, really hard.

I've tried to help as much as I can, but she has prohibited me from directly speaking with my family. As I'm not convinced that speaking to them will help at all to begin with, I've agreed.

As for her father and the kidney situation... things are going great so far, and fairly recently she got some great news that she passed almost all of the required tests and the doctors just need to do a bit more testing on her father before the last bit of testing on her. Obviously, this is excellent news and while I thought this would help, she seems to have become more worried than ever.

Also, she has always been a gentle soul and would simply "deal" with what my family has been saying to her (which, if I hadn't mentioned already, is always behind my back). Just very recently did she kind of.... explode a bit.

She stood up for herself and basically wrote out a whole essay of all the ways the women in my family are sinners against God. She sent it off as a text last week and has since heard... nothing. Complete radio silence. The silence has really agitated her behavior.

Over the course of the last year, we've experienced some issues as a result of the in-exhaustive list of hardships of hers and some issues of mine that I've also brought to the table (though mine are far less in magnitude than hers). We do not currently live together. In fact, we're in a long distance relationship at this time while I am at University.

She's been short tempered and suspicious of me. She will "break up" with me after getting angry at something super trivial (such as me taking longer than she would've liked to respond to a question... while talking over the phone) then cry and say she can't leave me sometime in the following few days. She has begun to suspect I am "in league" with the women of my family and that I will soon break up with her.

Yesterday morning, she was telling me how much she loved me and valued my patience. She said that she couldn't believe that someone loves her the way I do.

Last night, she "breaks up" with me again because I asked why she was wanting to know "everyone I had spoken on the phone with" yesterday. She said that I was being "impatient, careless, aloof, and never loved me to begin with." in a literally 40 minute long verbal tirade on how much she hated me.

That kind of thing has happened sporadically in the last year, but has reached new levels of intensity that I simply can't stomach anymore. Three times this week is just too much (even if there was a good 3 week break before then).

Heck... I grant her that "aloof" may have some credibility as I am often described that way by friends and family. In fact, I read somewhere that for my personality type (INTP) that it was downright commonplace.

Look...

I understand she is going through a lot. I have little doubt that this is all what it amounts to. I love her and I care for her. We've been together for 2.5y and it's only in the past year has all this been happening. I also have brought up psychiatric help in the past.... that didn't go so well.

I want to know how to help. I am a student and it has certainly been affecting my studies. I used to pride myself on being able to keep cool in almost any situation and having excellent patience, and (not to sound arrogant) I am finally wearing so ever incredibly thin. Lately I've noticed myself beginning to lose my temper and forget patience entirely. I guess hearing my fiance, someone I care deeply about, go off for so long about all the different ways they hate you will do that to you.

I'm also not sure what I should do when in a couple days she'll cry and say that she needs me.

But... enough about me. I want to know if anyone has suggestions on how I deal with this and approach her? I want to be able to comfort her but for most of what she's going through, I'm powerless. For the rest, she considers me an enemy about half the time and the other half she's convinced I will only do harm in the situation (and will subsequently blame me for anything that may happen due to this).

I'm just looking for suggestions... we never seem to have any of these issues when we're in-person together, even for lengths of time. Actually, it seems as if my physical presence melts away all the troubles she has the moment I'm within sight.

I apologize if this message was hard to follow or ill-formatted. Quite honestly, I wrote it rather late, in a questionable emotional state, and the post creation text box is SO SMALL that I might as well be texting.

[Skeezyks]

Hello FoxFire Kinemon: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. Since this is your first post... welcome to Psych Central.

I'm sorry I don't think there is much of anything I can suggest with regard to all of this. From my perspective it is all something your fiancé needs to deal with, perhaps in therapy, & that the two of you may need to work through perhaps in couples counseling. There are so many aspects to the situation you describe, I think it would be difficult to come up with anything in the way of easily implemented suggestions. Hopefully other members, here on PC, may have some suggestions they can offer.

In the meantime, however, here are links to 10 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help:

The Challenge of Long-Distance Relationships

Solve These 5 HUGE Long-Distance Relationship Problems, Now!

7 Tips for Long-Distance Couples

Making Relationships Work

The 7 Best Tips for Handling Anger and Resentment in Relationships

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...amily-members/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-ar...do-i-get-some/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...with-kindness/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...ur-boundaries/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-step...n-today/?all=1

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[Bill3]

Have you considered seeing a counselor yourself?

So as to help you understand and cope with her volatility.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by FoxFire Kinemon

I've tried to help as much as I can, but she has prohibited me from directly speaking with my family. As I'm not convinced that speaking to them will help at all to begin with, I've agreed.

Are you ok with her not wanting/letting you speak to your mother and sister? Why?

Also, she has always been a gentle soul and would simply "deal" with what my family has been saying to her (which, if I hadn't mentioned already, is always behind my back). Just very recently did she kind of.... explode a bit.

She stood up for herself and basically wrote out a whole essay of all the ways the women in my family are sinners against God. She sent it off as a text last week and has since heard... nothing. Complete radio silence. The silence has really agitated her behavior.

What kinds of things did your family do and say to her? I feel like that text was really harsh and unless your family was busy telling her that she was a sinner and all that it would seem to be not necessary.

Over the course of the last year, we've experienced some issues as a result of the in-exhaustive list of hardships of hers and some issues of mine that I've also brought to the table (though mine are far less in magnitude than hers). We do not currently live together. In fact, we're in a long distance relationship at this time while I am at University.

so then does this mean all the nastiness between your family and here is over the phone and computer?

She's been short tempered and suspicious of me. She will "break up" with me after getting angry at something super trivial (such as me taking longer than she would've liked to respond to a question... while talking over the phone) then cry and say she can't leave me sometime in the following few days. She has begun to suspect I am "in league" with the women of my family and that I will soon break up with her.

Since you are engaged I feel this is not a good sign. What kind of marriage do you expect to have if she uses breaking up with you as a weapon? When you are married you cant do that. It sounds really hurtful.

Yesterday morning, she was telling me how much she loved me and valued my patience. She said that she couldn't believe that someone loves her the way I do.
Last night, she "breaks up" with me again because I asked why she was wanting to know "everyone I had spoken on the phone with" yesterday. She said that I was being "impatient, careless, aloof, and never loved me to begin with." in a literally 40 minute long verbal tirade on how much she hated me.

IMO this is abuse. She controls who you speak with, she uses breaking up as a weapon, she spends 40 minutes telling you that she hates you and then you say she will tell you another time how she cant live without you?
(64 Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse: How to Identify It, What to Do

I understand she is going through a lot. I have little doubt that this is all what it amounts to. I love her and I care for her. We've been together for 2.5y and it's only in the past year has all this been happening. I also have brought up psychiatric help in the past.... that didn't go so well.

What happens when you talk about this when she is calm? Does she think its ok?

I'm also not sure what I should do when in a couple days she'll cry and say that she needs me.

I do not think you should be engaged to her. I personally do not think you should be in a relationship either but if you stay you need to go to therapy yourself and work on boundaries and study what abuse is and how to get out of it. This is not a way two people who want to get married should act. And marrying her and then having that kind of strife in your family is a recipe for disaster.

[Molinit]

I think the engagement needs to be cut off and she needs to fix herself before you can ask her to marry you again. Because of the push-pull, you need to tell her you cannot marry her at this time and then go no contact for a minimum of a year. Tell her you will not be answering calls or seeing her during this time and she needs to use this time to get the help she needs. Perhaps in a year you may contact her again, maybe not. You will be open to a relationship with other people during this time also.

This is an unhealthy relationship and the current dynamic needs to stop. I suspect that without you supplying the attention she seems to demand she will move on to get that supplied somewhere else.

[Open Eyes]

What concerns me about what you have shared is how your finance tends to take her anger and insecurities out on you. Yes, it's such a challenge in that she is worried about her father and if she will pass the tests so she can save his life. That is very understandably extremely challenging and stressful. It was not nice that your mother and sister were mean to her either on top of her having this big challenge about her father. It sounds like she is feeling very frightened as often that is where anger can come from, "fear".

I think that it is wise for you to hold off making any plans about marrying her until she gets through this challenge with her father and you can slowly see if she can find a calm instead of blaming you and taking her anger out on you for how she is feeling so vulnerable. This isn't about cutting and running with her either, instead it's seeing if you can work this out despite how vulnerable she is feeling about suddenly having to do something so important in order to save her father's life.

I have a feeling your gf is still young yet too. Honestly, one cannot expect someone to JUST KNOW how to handle some significant life challenges. This is something we all learn to do as we grow as a person and truth is we actually do this our entire lives.

Hello FFK,

I am so sorry that you and your fiance are in this confusing and stressful situation.

I think it may be helpful (I hope!) to point out a few things as a neutral third party:

- being annoyed or upset with a partner does not make it okay to say "I hate you" or to scream and shout and tell people they are going against God.

- repeatedly "breaking up" with someone every time there's an issue is not the path to peace. All relationships need stability at their foundation. You cannot have a stable relationship with someone who keeps ending the relationship.

- if I understood you correctly, you said your mother and sister "verbally abused" your fiance. Or was it the other way around or both? Sorry, I got confused in one section. Anyway, verbal abuse is not okay from anyone in any circumstance whether they are family members, fiances, people struggling with an ill parent etc.

- Yes, your fiance is going through a lot of stress but I think what's happening is that the stress is magnifying (not creating) her lack of self-esteem, personal security, and emotional intelligence. You seem to be excusing inappropriate behaviors because of her life situation. Life will always bring us struggles and stress...the key is how we respond and manage those struggles both for our own selves and also the people we love.

- you seem to possibly be drawn to being Knight in Shining Armor to her Damsel in Distress. Take a step back and think about that. Is that healthy for either of you?

I am almost never this candid on PC and I always look at both sides in any relationship. But I think the relationship you are currently in is unhealthy for each of you. I do not think your fiance is currently capable of having a stable relationship with a partner. I encourage you to take time alone to think about what you want your future to look like. Are you able to share that sort of future with someone screaming and shouting and breaking up and saying she hates you and then flipping to "I need you to save me" ?

At this point in my life, my top goal for all of my relationships (romantic and otherwise) is peace. Peace on my side and peace on their side. I don't think your fiance has a current goal of peace....or if she does she is not able to work on her own peace without professional support. And I think it could be helpful for you to think about why you want to marry someone not living peacefully. You may also want to read about personality disorders. I am not a psychologist but your fiance sounds like she could be exhibiting some of those traits. You may want to read about borderline personality disorder and see if it sounds familiar (intense fear of abandonment or rejection, unstable or dysfunctional self-image, unstable relationships, explosive anger, extreme emotional swings, inappropriate emotional reactions, "I love you....I hate you....I love you...I hate you" )

Would you be open to speaking with a therapist on your own? To think things through?

I wish you and your fiance peace, hope, and a bright future. I'm no expert but I think each of you is more likely to find your peace apart rather than together.

before you can be happy for two people you have to be happy for one. sounds like she won't even allow enough space for that to happen.you can't get balance when constantly wondering good time/bad time, speaking/not speaking? etc.

never mind what I think of her needs, to be engaged to marry someone I would want to know that I am in it 100%..but you can't even ask your family, or even just speak to them because she won't let you.

personally I would run far & fast. her train is going to crash hard & fast, and there are goin g to be lots of casualties. and oif you are connected then it will be "your" fault. no one needs that. run. your grades are at risk and what if she doesn't like your career or if god forbid you get an offer far away? will she travel with you? or not? how ugly will that be? will she un-marry you at every disagreement?

get out while it's cheap & easy.