My dad has always been a highly self-focused person. He definitely loves my siblings and me, but what he has always given us was not a relationship that one really wishes from a parent. About 15 years ago, my mother suddenly died. She was truly a giving "motherly" person. It was interesting that for about a few years after her passing, my dad seemed more giving, emotionally, to my siblings and me than ever before.

Before my mom's death, he was always present with my mom when we visited, or when we still lived at home. He was always an entertaining father who liked to tell stories, though generally didn't listen much. We accepted that. But in the last five years or so he's totally not present. In fact, when we try to visit him or even call, he cuts us short and excuses himself to either nap, return home, or even go out and socialize with his "cronies". He basically gives nothing in return for what we try to give him. We all still want a dad, and want to be loving and supporting children, but it's hard.

My dad does give us monetary gifts periodically. Of course they are appreciated, but I have told him and my siblings that I would give them all up in an instant if he'd give me more of himself. They feel the same way. And yet he doesn't get the "loud and clear" hint.

Alcohol did become an issue with him in the recent decades. It has worsened the whole situation. My siblings and I have tried to get him help, quite aggressively, but to no avail. He's in his late 70s now. This past year I even went to Al-Anon and one thing I said there was that I feel like my father is so disconnected to our lives that he's almost dead, in a sense. This has been a while. I grieved a lot, but now I almost feel like I'm well over halfway through the grieving process. I almost think that if he passed away tomorrow that my grieving would be rather mild and quick. At times, I almost wish he was gone because then the bit of wishful thinking that things will be different would end. That, I know, sounds horrible, but it's true.

[TishaBuv]

Your feelings are very understandable to me.

I’ve also grieved that my family was not the truly loving family I thought they were. Now I maintain a new, more distant relationship with them, having had to completely adjust my thoughts about them. It was not alcohol at play at all for me, though...just serious deficiency in empathy and respect on their parts.

Maybe you and your siblings can take your dad on a little vacation to spend some quality time together?

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like your father never got over the loss of your mother. Along with that as he aged he probably felt very lost personally and fearful and ended up self medicating with the alcohol. Perhaps he doesn't really know how to connect and instead has just withdrew into himself. Losing a spouse in mid fifties can be devastating to someone in ways that person doesn't realize but can feel so alone with. It's not like your father expected to experience that loss either, after all your mother was fairly young still. Sometimes a person gets so devasted that they develop a deep fear of "loving" because the pain of the loss is so overwhelming. Also, the helplessness of not being able to do anything about it can actually be traumatic to some people.

Men can struggle even more because they are often brought up to not show their emotions and just "man up" therefore they often don't know WHAT to do with their emotions and it can get so they get increasingly crippled by them and some men do begin to self medicate through alcohol. Emotional pain hurts and can be exhausting, so the alcohol seems to bring "some" relief to that challenge.

I am sorry you are not only experiencing the loss of your mother, but also have seen your father gradually withdraw too. Often this is based on fear and not because he doesn't care about you.

[luvyrself]

Tho I had a nice childhood,my family became totally dysfunctional when my dad became an alcoholic and left us when I was 14. He still tried to be a good dad, but it was a tough situation because my mom was hospitalized w depression, two series of electroshock treatments, and breast cancer which I truly feel is often brought on by stress. I fixed my mom up with my perfect boss who turned out to be a jerk as a stepfather, trying to put distance between us as young adults and her. We moved all over the country and are not close today.
I have a son and grandkids in San Diego. My son totally does not get me and treats me like a nut tho I have 3 degrees. He is actually verbally abusive to me. I know he is overworked coaching his kids sports teams as well as doing his job. This year I finally started cancelling holidays with them until he can treat me in a courteous manner. I bought a van so we can have fun outings together.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, I have started to build an online family. I currently have my online brother Gary across the country in New Jersey and my online son James in Wales, and my mother or sister Karen in Phoenix.. I use the website no longer lonely for those with mental illness ($40 lifetime) . Oddly, I find it easier to meet men friends. Women mainly seem to want to meet men. I met Karen on a community forum called Nextdoor. This whole approach has been so fulfilling.
I totally understand how painful it is to deal with an alcoholic dad who chooses not to go to AA. So tough. Sarah Sweets has so much experience with AA, I hope she posts to your thread. Big hugs!!!

Thanks for sharing, everyone. It's such a sad situation when families breakdown.

It's true that my mom's death affected us all so much, especially my dad and me. I remember right after she died feeling like my dad really needed me. We were closer than ever then, and yet I was so unwell, too.

I think my dad is extremely afraid of death. He fights that by involving himself in an ultra active social life, but with people who don't truly care. As said, he neglects my siblings and me, and my remaining nephew (my younger one died by suicide about two years ago). Actually, my nephew's passing exacerbated everything. It all is still such a painful tragedy that's hard to heal from.

[luvyrself]

We are a family here online. Of course its not the same, but in some ways its better because we understand the MI issues. Bird Dancer,put yourself first. Get your meds tweaked and pamper yourself with fun llittle things. Get out, get some aerobic exercise.
Talk about serendipity!: I discovered that the nice man that does water aerobics next to me at the pool (a genial huge former football player; how unlikely us meeting anywhere else) has a wife who is bipolar. Unfortunately, it sounds like she is untreated. She might have denial so I will be careful. I am going to take him the name of PsychCentral and loan him some books if he wants them. My point is that tho pretty introverted, I have learned to put myself out there. There is commonality and comfort in places we wouldn’t expect.
For me, with a complex type of bipolar, you are one of my favorite people on the forum. Your research and methodical approach to seeking out information are so appreciated and must help others like myself so vastly. We want to be there for you as well. If Sarah Sweets doesn’t post to this thread, I’m sure she would welcome your messaging her about your dad and AA. Hugs!

@luvyrself , you are incredibly sweet! I am so glad we've become PC friends. Your sharing has been very valuable and supportive, too. I like learning about others' experiences and you share in a way that inspires understanding and the urge to learn more.

I am familiar with several of Sarahsweets posts. She gets us all thinking about very important topics, too. That's nice that you shared that she and I have some unique concerns in common.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, BirdDancer I completely understand what you mean. They're not horrible thoughts AT ALL! It's very understandable that you'd feel the way you do. From what you wrote it seems like with the death of your mother you didn't just lose one parents - you've lost two, in a way. No wonder that you needed to grieve the "loss" of your father! I hope you'll forgive me if I use that therm. I know it's not the correct one, but it's the first that comes to mind. I completely agree with what all the other wonderful people on this thread have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots of great, wise, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you can if you want to! I completely agree with luvyurself! I hope sarahsweets will see this thread as well and I hope that she'll be able to give you the wonderful advice that she always gives to everyone since your father is also struggling with alcoholism. I'd tag her, but I'm afraid to bother her Perhaps you may PM her! I'm sure she'll gladly reply to you! I'm so sorry you and your sibilings are going through all of this! Please remember that you've ALL done ALL that you could do to help your father! He's the one that needs to put the hard work if he wants to get better and if he wants to have a better relationship with ALL of you! I'm sure he loves you ALL very much, but I completely agree with Open Eyes! He probably just doesn't know how to express his feelings to all of you, or perhaps he's just feeling confused at the moment and doesn't really know what to do or how to do it! Perhaps you could try to talk to him about this and see how it goes from there if you haven't already! Maybe that could help! I'd suggest to just be honest with him and to try to ask him if there's anything that he may want to talk about and if there's something that's bothering him or that has been bothering him! Just try to have an open, heart-to-heart, honest conversation to him about this and see how it goes from there! Perhaps you could tyr to ask to your sibiling for some help if you need it and want it! I'm sure you've tried it many times already! Perhaps you just need a different approach? Just some thoughts, I don't want to lecture you AT ALL! Just remember that you've tried your best and that's ALL that matters! Please be kind to yourself and your family and remember to take some time for yourself! We can't fully help other if we're not taking care of yourselves first after all! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! I hope things will get better soon for you, your father and your sibilings! If they don't, please remember that you gave it your best shot! That's all we can do in life and it's ALWAYS more than enough! KEEP FIGHTING! You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, BirdDancer