I made a huge mistake

Gymgirl71 · Apr 20, 2019, 06:02 AM

Trust me I feel stupid already so please go easy on me..Stupid me met up with him-my ex or boyfriend whatever you want to call him... First one friend comes over, then another...what was supposed to be a night of the two of us alone, and enjoying a nice dinner turned into a disaster. He told me the alcohol bottle is only for me so not to offer his friend any. He called me into the kitchen told me if I allow his friend to take advantage he’s kicking me out. He locked himself in the bedroom twice second time throwing my things outside his bedroom. Then we get food he keeps making comments about getting me an Uber later...I always stay over so I’m like no I’ll just sleep over. Everything seemed ok and then he ask me to make me and him a drink..his friend put his glass down and I made for 3 of us...he seemed ok but then him and his friend got into it. I asked if he’s ok and he seemed mad at me! Said he’s getting me a cab and I refused. Talked about how we have all weekend like I would forgive him. His friends stayed and I get tossed out like a piece of garbage..even told me I’ll realize what I did wrong and apologize tomorrow..I know it was stupid I was just setting myself up to be hurt again.

Have Hope · Apr 20, 2019, 06:10 AM

I’m having a hard time understanding why you would have met up with him again. He’s been cruel, he’s an alcoholic, you know he’s bad for you and he crushed your self esteem. I thought you had blocked him? What was your reasoning for meeting up with him? I think uncovering the reasons why you decided to do this, against your better judgement, would be a good place to start. I’m not being hard on you, but it’s most puzzling.

Gymgirl71 · Apr 20, 2019, 06:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I’m having a hard time understanding why you would have met up with him again. He’s been cruel, he’s an alcoholic, you know he’s bad for you and he crushed your self esteem. I thought you had blocked him? What was your reasoning for meeting up with him? Are you addicted to the toxicity of this relationship? I’m not being hard on you, but it’s most puzzling.

Codependent, low self esteem..I’m in therapy for this and it’s why she said to remove him

Have Hope · Apr 20, 2019, 06:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

Codependent, low self esteem..I’m in therapy for this and it’s why she said to remove him

We cannot rely on another person to boost our self esteem. If you were looking to him to reverse the soul crushing things he said, or to help you to feel better about yourself, you’re knocking on the wrong door. Yes I would call your therapist and discuss your need to continue with a toxic relationship. It is not good for you, but you know this.

Also, know that you cannot fix or resolve HIS problems. That’s what codependents do.

Gymgirl71 · Apr 20, 2019, 06:30 AM

Yes I know..I feel so disgusted and weak. He is on top of everything else emotionally abusive and controlling. But I’m being aggressive for defending myself? Because he wanted me to leave and I didn’t understand it

Gymgirl71 · Apr 20, 2019, 06:31 AM

Dunno why I thought things would be better..it just got worse

Have Hope · Apr 20, 2019, 06:36 AM

As my therapist says, why keep putting your hand on a hot burner? It’s going to hurt every time.

Don’t expect change. You’re trying to fix a problem that you had with your alcoholic father through your adult relationships. You were helpless as a child to fix or help your father. So now you seek to fix others with similar issues. Others cannot be fixed. Abusers do NOT change. Know this. Walk away.

Gymgirl71 · Apr 20, 2019, 06:38 AM

I know..I guess I didn’t want to admit failure but he is who he is.

Have Hope · Apr 20, 2019, 06:40 AM

It’s not YOUR failure. It’s his. And it was your father’s failure. You didn’t fail anything. Your ex is an alcoholic. Why is that YOUR failure? You’re taking his problem on as though it’s your own. He’s not your responsibility. Neither was your father when you were a child.

bunnyhabit · Apr 20, 2019, 06:42 AM

He clearly told you not to share the alcohol with others. Faithfulness is important in a relationship. if the table was reversed you would be pissed too. Offering this third wheel a drink was a perceived indicator that you liked him. he is obviously very jealous concerning you messing with his guy friends.

You need make strong commitment to listen to him in the future and not mess around with his friends.

Have Hope · Apr 20, 2019, 06:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bunnyhabit

He clearly told you not to share the alcohol with others. Faithfulness is important in a relationship. if the table was reversed you would be pissed too. Offering this third wheel a drink was a perceived indicator that you liked him. he is obviously very jealous concerning you messing with his guy friends.

You need make strong commitment to listen to him in the future and not mess around with his friends.

You may not know the history of this relationship but her ex is abusive and an alcoholic.

Have Hope · Apr 20, 2019, 07:04 AM

Gymgirl, I’m supportive of you. I’m not trying to sound harsh. I’m trying to help you to see that your ex is not your responsibility. Please do address this last incident with your therapist. You need to cut ties completely with this man. Otherwise you’re hurting yourself more and more, banging your head against a wall. It’s only doing you more harm to continue any contact with him.

TishaBuv · Apr 20, 2019, 07:23 AM

Bad habits are hard to break. You were so close to ending a toxic relationship with honor and feeling pride in having self esteem. Consider this a set back and try again. Keep working with your therapist.

Gymgirl71 · Apr 20, 2019, 07:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Gymgirl, I’m supportive of you. I’m not trying to sound harsh. I’m trying to help you to see that your ex is not your responsibility. Please do address this last incident with your therapist. You need to cut ties completely with this man. Otherwise you’re hurting yourself more and more, banging your head against a wall. It’s only doing you more harm to continue any contact with him.

Yes and he blames me for acting how I did when he was trying to kick me out..

Have Hope · Apr 20, 2019, 07:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

Yes and he blames me for acting how I did when he was trying to kick me out..

Focus less on him and more on you. You put far too much importance on this most toxic man. Why place so much importance and value on what he says or does? He’s toxic. Toxic people behave irrationally. Do you see that? You have placed this man’s worth and importance above your own feelings and self worth. Why is he more important and valuable than you? He doesn’t deserve to be on a pedestal. Take him down. He’s not worthy! You need to work on building your self esteem and on valuing yourself far more than you do. He’s an a-hole! Of course he’s going to behave like one and treat you like dirt, as he has proven himself to do. Again and again.

Gymgirl71 · Apr 20, 2019, 07:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Focus less on him and more on you. You put far too much importance on this most toxic man. Why place so much importance and value on what he says or does? He’s toxic. Toxic people behave irrationally. Do you see that? You have placed this man’s worth and importance above your own feelings and self worth. Why is he more important and valuable than you? He doesn’t deserve to be on a pedestal. Take him down. He’s not worthy! You need to work on building your self esteem and on valuing yourself far more than you do. He’s an a-hole! Of course he’s going to behave like one and treat you like dirt, as he has proven himself to do. Again and again.

His friends are no better..he was telling me to leave and I was trying to rationalize because I thought this guy can’t be kicking me out. Then his friends say lock the window and doors..any guy that would have me have a panic attack is a serious a hole. He didn’t care about my feelings at all..

Have Hope · Apr 20, 2019, 07:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

His friends are no better..he was telling me to leave and I was trying to rationalize because I thought this guy can’t be kicking me out. Then his friends say lock the window and doors..any guy that would have me have a panic attack is a serious a hole. He didn’t care about my feelings at all..

Yes a-holes. So what are you going to do now?

Gymgirl71 · Apr 20, 2019, 07:47 AM

Move on..he isn’t going to talk to me now anyways.he just didn’t see anything wrong with the way he behaved. It was all my fault because I didn’t want to leave

divine1966 · Apr 20, 2019, 07:59 AM

He is insane in addition to being s jerk. He wanted you to drink the entire bottle by yourself not sharing with others? Are you having drinking problem too or he just wanted you to be drunk? What’s on the planet. And why is he inviting friends over if he doesn’t want them to partake in what’s being served on the table?

Why was it your responsibility to monitor what his friends drink? He is just so bizarre. If we invited people over and my husband said not to serve them drinks and food, I’d thought he lost his mind. What a weirdo. His alcoholism might be causing him some loss of grey matter in his brain. Jeez.

Now you really know this dude got to go! I hope now it’s clear as day you got to move on. Keep it as a cautionary tale to tell others. I have some stories to tell myself, so no judgment here. But girl move on.

Gymgirl71 · Apr 20, 2019, 08:13 AM

It was for me and him..for no reason he got mad at me and I was asking him to talk about it he got mean says back up and leave me alone. I tried to console him..he says when my friends leave your going. I was panicking like literally almost had a panic attack because to me that’s the biggest sign of disrespect..but all he sees is it’s his home and if he wants me gone I should just go and have no feelings at all. I should have just left but I felt so devalued and disrespected I was so hurt he would do that to me..

divine1966 · Apr 20, 2019, 08:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

It was for me and him..for no reason he got mad at me and I was asking him to talk about it he got mean says back up and leave me alone. I tried to console him..he says when my friends leave your going. I was panicking like literally almost had a panic attack because to me that’s the biggest sign of disrespect..but all he sees is it’s his home and if he wants me gone I should just go and have no feelings at all. I should have just left but I felt so devalued and disrespected I was so hurt he would do that to me..

If he wants to share something just you and him, he shouldn’t invite friends over. Seriously I’ve met all kind of weird men during my single dating life but this guy gets an award for one of the most bizarre stories I heard.

He was nasty to you but you were the one consoling him. What the..

Please this guy isn’t even safe to be around. He sounds beyond unstable. Locking himself in a bedroom? Are you sure he just drinks? He sounds like he is mixing drinks with pills or some drugs. He is losing it

Gymgirl71 · Apr 20, 2019, 08:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

If he wants to share something just you and him, he shouldn’t invite friends over. Seriously I’ve met all kind of weird men during my single dating life but this guy gets an award for one of the most bizarre stories I heard.

He was nasty to you but you were the one consoling him. What the..

Please this guy isn’t even safe to be around. He sounds beyond unstable. Locking himself in a bedroom? Are you sure he just drinks? He sounds like he is mixing drinks with pills or some drugs. He is losing it

I really can’t say..he thinks I’m the crazy one for not wanting to leave and told me to get help. Called me a bully even. Fit being upset about being kicked out..wtf

divine1966 · Apr 20, 2019, 08:43 AM

My questions are rhetorical. I don’t mean I actually want to know the answers why he acts this way. It was established that he is an abusive jerk and an addict and this isn’t really a relationship, more like you keep going to his house and drink with him. It doesn’t matter what he does and why. Focus on what you do and why.

Focus on why you keep going to his house not why he acts this way. Focus on why when you are thrown out you are begging to be allowed to stay, don’t focus on why he kicked you out. It doesn’t matter.

Gymgirl71 · Apr 20, 2019, 08:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

My questions are rhetorical. I don’t mean I actually want to know the answers why he acts this way. It was established that he is an abusive jerk and an addict and this isn’t really a relationship, more like you keep going to his house and drink with him. It doesn’t matter what he does and why. Focus on what you do and why.

Focus on why you keep going to his house not why he acts this way. Focus on why when you are thrown out you are begging to be allowed to stay, don’t focus on why he kicked you out. It doesn’t matter.

It’s an abandonment issue..I literally had a panic attack