High family expectations

My family have high expectations of me.

They expect me to come and see them at the drop of a hat. They rarely contact me first and always think I should make the effort.

A few examples of their expectations of me;

My parents celebrated my younger sisters birthday for a week. Lunches, days out, drinks etc they all took leave from work.
I couldn't do all of this so I went for dinner and a lunch and also met for a drink. When I left the bar after and hour they got moody saying I should have stayed longer and I didn't put in much effort.

When my dad was ill I visited as much as I could which was most days and when I couldn't visit I called on the phone. Again I should have been there more and should have came to the hospital every day.

My dad called me one night saying he had a hospital appointment the next day and needed me to take him as my mum was working and my sister was 'unavailable' I couldn't do it and he got mad at me saying I never put the family first above work and I'm selfish?!

Mother's Day, I suggested going for breakfast as I had a day planned with my daughter and partner in the afternoon. I wanted it to be just us 3 for that part. I popped in the morning and no one was home, I left a card and flowers and got no message or call thanking me.

Called my dad to ask about his appointment, no answer so text asking if all was ok. He replied saying I don't want to talk over the phone. That was it

Any ideas how to handle this? It's totally draining me

Do you have to have that much contact with them?

Well apparently so otherwise they just guilt trip me saying I never have time for them?!

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, Icedgem! I don't think they're being fair to you AT ALL! From what you wrote it seems clear that you're trying your best to spend some time with them and to make them happy, but from what you wrote it seems like they expect you to stay with them all the time, every day and every hours, and that's clearly not possible since you have a life of your own as well and they should understand that! I completely agree with what sarahsweets has already wisely said better than I ever could! I'd suggest to listen to her if you can and want to! She always gives such great advice and lots of great advice to everyone! I completely agree with sarahsweets that you don't need to have that much contact with them! I'd suggest to just keep doing what you're doing and try to spend some time with them if you can, but don't obsess over it and try to ignore them when they're trying to guil trip you since that's ABSOLUTELY NOT FAIR to you and your wonderful efforts! I'd suggest to talk to them about this and see how it goes from there! Maybe that could help! Try to tell them and to make them understand that you're feeling very hurt by their behavior and that you're trying to spend as much time with them as you can but that you have a life of your own to live and that you have to take care of your partner and daughter and your job as well! Hopefully they'll listen to what you have to say and understand you! If they STILL don't listen to what you have to say and they STILL guilt trip you, I'd suggest to just keep dong what you're already wonderfully doing, but don't obsess yourself over it! It's up to them whether or not they'll accept your time! Make them understand that it's either all of this or nothing since you have a life of your own and other people to take care of as well! Remember that none of this IS YOUR FAULT and that it's up TO THEM to accept it or not! Keep doing what you're doing and take GREAT care of yourself, your daughter, your partner and your parents as much as you can! Sending many hugs to you, Icedgem!

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family system. When I moved out, I NEVER heard from anyone unless I initiated contact first. I'm still triangulated by my two siblings and mother, so I am still the family member who exists on the "outside" of their inner circle.

My advice to you is to set strong boundaries with your family, so that they will stop invading your emotional boundaries. For example, set limits with them and DO NOT let them guilt trip you into breaking your limits to please them. Let them guilt-trip away, make idle threats...whatever they do. Just don't let their words or actions negatively impact your life, which is separate from theirs.

Family enmeshment is common with family systems where no one person takes responsibility for their own actions, and passes the blame around to other family members. Sometimes, family members gang up and triangulate against other family members whom they view as a threat to the system, b/c that family member is the emotionally healthy one with boundaries that the other family members try to turn into the family blacksheep or scapegoat.

I don't know what kind of family system you have, or what your relationship is with each of your family members. All I can do is advise you to clearly communicate with your family members what your limits with their demands are. You will not do what they want you do to for them, each and every time as though you don't have a life. That is your right. "No" is a complete sentence. You don't need to justify or explain to them why you're saying "No" either to their demands or requests. You will be much happier, once you start practicing saying "no" to them. At first, you'll notice they will react with anger and make idle threats and try to emotionally blackmail you when you set limits with them. That is totally normal. That can go on for weeks, even months. It's starts to happen when the healthy family member changes their boundaries or limits with the family system.

There's a disruption of sorts (good b/c if the family system is toxic, it needs to be fixed). Resistance is not futile, as the Borg say. Resistance on your part is necessary to remain detached and independent from your family system. Resist the urge to take their rejection of your setting limits with them, personally. Don't take it personally. It's part of the process. I went through this when I estranged myself from my brother. Going on ten years of not seeing or hearing from my brother or his wife and children doesn't bother me in the least. And, my other family members have come to accept it. They still occasionally try to tell me about his life, or try to emotionally blackmail me to go with them to his house but I remain adamant that I want nothing to do with that b*stard.

The only way to get your family to respect you more, is to set limits with them. Put yourself and your needs first and theirs second. Yes, they are your family, but that doesn't mean you are an indentured servant available to them 24/7.

I learned the hard way that there just was never enough I could do to be consistently considered good and feel safe with my mother. I sure tried to show her love and make her happy and proud of me. I still do.

I keep a careful balance now of not playing into the toxic drama by not giving her any information to gossip about to the rest of the family and to distort and use against me.

I do what I need to do to maintain the basic relationship I need to have with her, for my own well being.

Have they ever put you above work or anything else important to them? Is your sister always "unavailable" when they want a favor but, somehow, it's not "selfish" when it's her? If the tables were turned, would they take time off work to drive you to an appointment? If it's selfish for you to not take time off work, isn't it equally selfish for your mother to do the same? Has your dad heard of taxis?
The whole thing reeks to me of them wanting you to be the "family servant" - sacrificing your needs and wants for their convenience, such as you taking time off work to be dad's chauffeur because he prefers that to taking (and paying for) a taxi or an uber. But you don't owe them that. You really don't. Really, the key here is that they suceeded at (undeservedly) making you feel guilty (is this something they've instilled in you your whole life?) - because otherwise it doesn't look like they have any leverage. Sure, they can complain - my advice in dealing with unpleasable people is to do what's best for you and give up trying to please them. If they complain that you're selfish, that can get a "I'm sorry you feel that way" and if they berate you , rage, shout, etc then it's time to hang up or walk away.

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Originally Posted by Icedgem Well apparently so otherwise they just guilt trip me saying I never have time for them?!

Well in some ways we can only be guilt tripped by people if we let them guilt trip us. I believe you need to work on not having guilt because from what you described they seem toxic and not good for you. Try not to have expectations about their behavior unless you make it clear with boundaries what those expectations are. And try not to worry if they say you do not have time for them. you know your own truth and if they are toxic to you then it doesnt matter if you do not have time for them, you are protecting your mental health.

I also think setting boundaries and learning to say no are importnat. I know it's not that easy when it comes to family though.

Thanks everyone I appreciate all the replies