[purplemystery]

My fiance and I have been together for 2&1/2 years, and recently some doubts about the relationship have been occurring for me, which I think may be related to taking the next step because we are newly engaged. I'm trying to learn how to completely accept him for who he is rather than wishing he was a bit different.

This is most evident in how I am a very emotionally-minded person, and he is all about logic and facts. For instance, I seek out experiences, books, movies, memories, etc that evoke certain emotions in myself. I am highly intuitive and sensitive, and find meaning in life through my feelings. I also have a strong desire to share my feelings with others through artistic expression or deep conversations. My fiance describes himself as more emotionally "flat," although he does tell me of his emotions on a regular basis, cried during our engagement, says he loves me regularly, can be uninhibitedly and playfully happy, etc. He does engage in deep conversations, but almost in a detached, objective way. He most often speaks about very practical things, and does not really have passions in life. If it helps to know our Myers Briggs types, I am an INFJ and he is an INTJ.

My doubts are centering around the thought that I have always imagined growing up that my "ideal" partner would be able to understand my intense emotions, would find them fascinating or beautiful even. What if I can't connect with my partner on as deep and as intense of a level as I would with someone else? What if he will never be able to understand me completely, and therefore fully appreciate my inner soul? I feel connected to him currently, but not as deeply as I have imagined, although I'm unsure if I'm expecting too much from relationships due to learned idealism about the perfect connection.

My questions are:
1. How can I accept him fully for being more logical? What are some steps to take/thoughts to remind myself of if I find myself wishing he was more emotional like me?
2. Does anyone have experience in a relationship where you are opposites in this way? How do you communicate/understand/connect with each other?
3. In general, how do you accept differences or lack of fantasy qualities in your relationship?

Thank you so much for your help!

[healingme4me]

Have you tried premarital counseling? I'm taken aback at the doubts that are written out as being concerns down the road in regards to yearning for something deeper/more.
Often times relationships are about having a counter balance.
Other than his logic to your emotions are there other areas of doubts?
To have a family or not?
Financial planning?
Vacation likes/dislikes?
Etc?

[eskielover]

I used to think people were either logical or emotional BUT that is WRONG thinking. Actually we are capable of both thinking & MINDFULNESS is actually learning how to use BOTH. The place where both parts of our mind intersect is where mindfulness & wise mind thinking comes from.

I think your expectation of what marriage is like is a bit idealistic. Yes it would be nice to know someone totally but that NEVER happens.

Before yiu actually commit to marriage I think pre-marriage counseling for both would be advisable.....so yiu get a more realistic understanding about marriage & so you both learn how to relate to each other in that marriage.

[aimlesshiker]

My goodness, I'm the exact same way in a very similar relationship (I'm INFJ, he's INTP).

Just like you, I crave adventure. I love learning and exploring. And most of all, I love getting excited about all those things! I'm a bit ADD and messy, but at the heart of it I'm abitious and never want to stop.

My bf, on the other hand, might be excited about things but it's hard to tell because unlike me, he doesn't go on lengthy monologues about how much he loves X or Y.

I often get depressed because he doesn't seem to reflect my enthusiasms nearly as much as I do. I'm always the one to instigate date activities, try new things, pretty anything other than sit in our apartment. I miss my friends who would get as crazy and revved up as I would.

Seems like couples counseling is the dominant answer here, and I have wondered about bringing him into therapy with me. I'm not sure if he'd be willing to go, or if he'll change... I sometimes wonder if I'm with the wrong person, or if he can change.

One benefit about dating someone more "logical" than you is that they can reel you back in if you get a little "too" excited about something, e.g., maybe they'll prevent you from buying an expensive hobby item, or remind you to hold your tongue when it would be unwise to speak. Unfortunately, as INFJs, we really hate having our dreams held back, so this might be more of a conflict than a benefit...

I'm trying to work on communication, too. Maybe it would help if you explained how you felt and how that affects how much you can enjoy time spent with him. Try to use "I" statements, and maybe admit that while being emotional all of the time isn't perfect, you driven by gut-feelings, and to smother those is to restrict who you truly are. Perhaps it would also be helpful to give specific examples as to how he could be more in touch with his emotions. You two could try mindfulness together, plan a weekly adventure, or spark a conversation about a common interest of yours.

As to your last question... I struggle with that one a lot. You're engaged, and my bf has moved across states to be with me. To suggest that they aren't "the one" is a terrifying thought, but one I've been giving more consideration lately. Is it worth it to compromise who you are just to be someone who may not be the one? Or is your relationship worth putting that effort into? I've made the mistake of not addressing "red flags" in my relationship because I was trying to accept my partner for who he is, and now I'm regretting it deeply. I hope you find a way to communicate your feelings before they build up into resentment.

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

My fiance and I have been together for 2&1/2 years, and recently some doubts about the relationship have been occurring for me, which I think may be related to taking the next step because we are newly engaged. I'm trying to learn how to completely accept him for who he is rather than wishing he was a bit different.

My suggestion is: don't marry him until/if you can't accept him as he is.

My doubts are centering around the thought that I have always imagined growing up that my "ideal" partner would be able to understand my intense emotions, would find them fascinating or beautiful even. What if I can't connect with my partner on as deep and as intense of a level as I would with someone else? What if he will never be able to understand me completely, and therefore fully appreciate my inner soul? I feel connected to him currently, but not as deeply as I have imagined, although I'm unsure if I'm expecting too much from relationships due to learned idealism about the perfect connection.

Patience. I believe it takes a long time to connect that completely. Just see if the direction is right and then it should be OK. I'm also a logical type (Myers Briggs: ISTJ) but I do find some more emotional people fascinating. I'm not able to engage with all such people, just some of them, it depends on whatever other factors I guess. I can't say I fully understand all their emotions but it can still be fascinating/beautiful yes. I think if you could see the interest in him (if he has much interest at all) it could help. Does he say he has an interest in trying to connect like this? Even if he would be doing it in his own way... he would probably be the more passive partner emotionally even if interested in your stuff. And this is what is unlikely to change.

2. Does anyone have experience in a relationship where you are opposites in this way? How do you communicate/understand/connect with each other?

Yeah, and I believe it either works or doesn't, you can't force it. Like I said it works for me with some of the emotional people and doesn't with other emotional people.

3. In general, how do you accept differences or lack of fantasy qualities in your relationship?

Oh I don't have much of fantasy stuff going on usually. I accept it if my partner has them in abundance, though. It could first seem excessive to me but if I understand that's just the way they are I am able to just accept it and even listen with interest. As long as I do care about the person otherwise.

PS: Premarital counseling? There's now such a thing too? It seems like overkill to me. I'd see it as a red flag if the relationship can't work without that. But then maybe I'm still too idealistic. Just kidding, my actual opinion is that relationships need compromise, but at one point compromise can be too much, and I believe that it should be possible to find the natural balance without external help so early on. I'm sure some counseling can be useful for understanding the relationship betterin general, but it shouldn't be about having to solve really bad problems that are already coming up even before marriage.

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by eskielover

I used to think people were either logical or emotional BUT that is WRONG thinking. Actually we are capable of both thinking & MINDFULNESS is actually learning how to use BOTH. The place where both parts of our mind intersect is where mindfulness & wise mind thinking comes from.

Actually, I don't believe that a strongly emotional or a strongly logical person will ever want to or become able to utilize the other version easily and frequently at will. Some people are more in the middle, those maybe can do this easier. Otoh, I do agree with the idea of sometimes needing to utilize the other version, yes, just not always.

Originally Posted by mumblyocelot

Perhaps it would also be helpful to give specific examples as to how he could be more in touch with his emotions. You two could try mindfulness together, plan a weekly adventure, or spark a conversation about a common interest of yours.

I find for me what works best is let the emotions come up naturally... Anything else would be forced and bad. Experience speaking here. I wouldn't want to immerse in emotions just for the sake of experiencing emotion, anyway. I'd rather experience whatever thing and if I have an emotional reaction about it, cool, I'm just not going to focus on it too hard or for too long. Just what's natural. Just my take as a logical type...

[eskielover]

Actually, I don't believe that a strongly emotional or a strongly logical person will ever want to or become able to utilize the other version easily and frequently at will.

actually I was the totally LOGICAL female (not many of us around) but my problem was that I didn't have the words to express my emotions. My T asked me how I was feeling at ine point & all I had the word to say was "UGH, JUST UGH" She brought out a sheet of emotions/feeking words (10 pages to be exact) My job was to write down each word I was actually feeling. I came up with 2 pages of words THEN I discussed WHY I was feeling each word. That was when I was finally able to connect words with my feelings. Yes, my logical mind is still dominant & I can better control my emotions but at least now I have the words & understanding to take my emotions into consideration when making decisions. Doing the opposite is JUST as possible even if there is a dominant thinking to totally IGNORE the existance of the other is unwise. One can chose to ignore the other area of their brain. That is their choice but learning to accessing both is entirely possible.

[Erebos]

Not sure if I can answer your questions, but I would like to share a little of my own experience.

I am similar to you in the way I feel my way through life rather than think my way through it. I often felt if I could only find someone on my level to share it with, how much more meaning our relationship would have.
Then it happened, about 16 years ago I met someone who seemed to feel what I felt, see how I saw we clicked on a really intense level.
Only problem was we got lost in each other, and when things went wrong there was no balance both our emotions were so intense we couldn't even come close to seeing the others perspective. When it was good it was amazing for us. Although everything else got locked out of our little world...even our kids to an extent we were so entwined we made damaging decisions to stay in the same level.
When it went wrong it was horrendously volatile. We hurt each other in ways no other person could have.

We had 8 years of absolute bliss, then two years that ended with him trying to kill me.

I am not saying this is how it always goes, but I will say that being so similar was definitely detrimental when it came to trying to fix things, because we could see no alternative than the way we felt.

I would say embrace those differences, because they could be the very thing that saves you from the rough times. Having an alternative perspective can often be an excellent thing.
Don't mistake his inability to "get it" with him not appreciating your way of seeing things.

In an ideal world we want someone to get us without us having to explain.
But sometimes being forced to explain helps us,examine our thoughts and perceptions, and that can definitely be a good thing.

I hope you manage to work things out because it's sounds like a good thing you have going. All the best.

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by eskielover

actually I was the totally LOGICAL female (not many of us around) but my problem was that I didn't have the words to express my emotions. My T asked me how I was feeling at ine point & all I had the word to say was "UGH, JUST UGH" She brought out a sheet of emotions/feeking words (10 pages to be exact) My job was to write down each word I was actually feeling. I came up with 2 pages of words THEN I discussed WHY I was feeling each word. That was when I was finally able to connect words with my feelings. Yes, my logical mind is still dominant & I can better control my emotions but at least now I have the words & understanding to take my emotions into consideration when making decisions. Doing the opposite is JUST as possible even if there is a dominant thinking to totally IGNORE the existance of the other is unwise. One can chose to ignore the other area of their brain. That is their choice but learning to accessing both is entirely possible.

Hey. I only see your response now, sorry. Tbh I think "logical females" are not that rare. Apparently you had alexithymia (literal meaning of the word: inability to name feelings) but not a too severe version of it, if all you needed was use that sheet of emotion words and discuss each word. I'm glad it worked for you. My alexithymia is hardly responsive to that simple technique, because my thinking is too externally focused. I did not ever make the choice to ignore emotions per se, it's just how my brain works. I did learn to focus more on emotions but it's just never going to be entirely natural for me. :shrug

Originally Posted by purplemystery

My questions are:

1. How can I accept him fully for being more logical? What are some steps to take/thoughts to remind myself of if I find myself wishing he was more emotional like me?

2. Does anyone have experience in a relationship where you are opposites in this way? How do you communicate/understand/connect with each other?

3. In general, how do you accept differences or lack of fantasy qualities in your relationship?

Thank you so much for your help!

1. Marriage won't change his personality. Your fiance is different than you are. You can't change him.

2. You are either compatible or incompatible. After 2 1/2 years, you've established your patterns of communication styles with each other. If you don't like that pattern, you shouldn't be with him.

3. You can't change your fiance. If you can't accept his differences from yours, then you shouldn't marry him.

I get the sense that you want posters to tell you how to change your fiance, because you really don't like him -- that is, you don't feel emotionally connected to your fiance the way you envisioned you would, when you were single.

I really would advise you to cancel the engagement. If you can't accept your fiance for who he is, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with him.

I don't think any amount of premarital counseling is going to help you. You are stuck on the idea that your fiance is wrong for you because of the doubts you've expressed and you're looking for excuses how to get around marrying him and get your emotional needs met. Marriage doesn't work like that. Well, some people marry each other for money or other wrong reasons and it can work out or not.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation but you have the choice of backing out of it after only 2.5 years. My cousin married a woman he didn't really love, because he felt pressured to and because he was lonely. She nearly destroyed his life. He divorced her, lived with his parents, and had to start over from scratch and is now remarried with a child and very happy.

If you know deep down that your fiance doesn't meet your emotional needs, then you really should not marry him. He won't change and to expect him to, is both selfish and unrealistic. Sorry.