How do you know when someone is mad at you?

Sometimes ppl deny being mad at me but I know theyÂ’re lying their *** off. If theyÂ’re not actually mad at me, theyÂ’re doing a hell of a job faking it.

Case in point. I had a good week at work until today. I was called in to work before my scheduled time, so I went in. However, the moment I arrived, my supervisor was already mad at me and he never stopped being mad my whole shift. Idk what triggered that and I been wondering like hell.

So I yelled at him over an unrelated ****** issue. He told me to leave. I asked him why he was mad at me all morning and he insisted he wasnÂ’t ever mad at me until I yelled. Ok? So if he werenÂ’t mad, why did he act like he was? To play mind games?

Btw, after I got off, I tried to ask to come in later tomorrow but he said to come in at my scheduled time. I really just wanna come in late AF bc I don’t deal well with mind games. And I like my bed.

Hi Ruby. Thank you for reaching out to us with these questions.

I'm really sorry to hear about your rough day at work. I am not sure why he seemed mad at you. But my guess is, if he called you before your scheduled time, it's possible that he was stressed out about the shortage of staff. The frustration may not have been personally directed at you.

If this work environment is too stressful for you, maybe you can eventually switch to another workplace. But until then, you should come to work on time, because that is your responsibility.

I wonder if it would be better to change the question that you are asking yourself? Maybe you should ask why it matters if people are mad versus whether they are mad at you? I say this because it causes so much stress and anxiety to worry if other people are mad or upset about something. I tend to do the same thing and I know how hard it is to change the habit.

Ruby, why did you yell at your supervisor? You had recently applied for a managerial/supervisory role. Yelling is not going to earn you that role. It’s possible you were reading into things with her supervisor. Often it has nothing to do with us. Just saying. Think before yelling.

The thing is the last time I worked with him he wasn't ever mad. This time, the minute I walked in, he was mad. He admitted I didn't do anything wrong and denied ever being mad until I yelled at him.

That's how he said it anyway. He denied being mad today until I yelled. But if he wasn't actually mad, why did he act like he was? He wasn't ever mad the last time I worked with him. Today, the minute I arrived, he was already mad. And then lied about it.

Maybe he was angry about something that had nothing to do with you. A better way to handle that is to ask “are you angry about something? You’re not your usual self”.

Hi Ruby,

this is a great topic you've raised! Thank you for sharing your truth.

People often say they are not angry with someone when in fact they are because at some point in life (often as young children living with their parents) they were taught that their feelings don't matter and need to be suppressed. I have seen my friend do this. I can tell that she's upset about something but she'll say "it's fine" because as a little girl she was not taught that her feelings could be expressed and appreciated.

It is hard to ignore such a thing....you have nerve-endings....of course you don't want to ignore anger or resentment in your workplace. If I feel someone is upset with me, I would much rather hear about it and talk it over in order to move on. That said, people have a right not to share if they don't want to. But in that case they need to get on with it rather than behaving in an angry manner without explanation or discussion.

Sounds like your discomfort and frustration built up and then you got upset with him about something unrelated. Perhaps at this point, you could calmly explain that to your supervisor.
Something like: "I apologize for shouting. That was not okay. I just want you to know that I was very uncomfortable all morning. You were not interacting with me in the manner you usually do. I sensed some sort of anger or resentment. When we were unable to talk about it, I became increasingly uncomfortable and frustrated and then lost my temper. That is not an excuse but an explanation. I want you to know that I respect you as a person and as my supervisor. I think it is good for both of us to be open and direct about our interactions. If you are ever upset with me, please tell me directly so we can figure it out and move forward. If I misunderstood, and you were just having a bad day unrelated to me, it's okay to tell me that too. I would not pry."



Your points about concealed anger are well made Ruby. I understand your annoyance. If only people would own the feeling and discuss in order to move on. But as I think you have astutely observed, we humans are often far from logical!

I haven't read a post from you in a while Ruby but I want to say that you strike me as an honest and candid person. I like that. Peace, hope, and a bright future to you! You deserve to feel happy.

Quite possibly, given he said he wasn’t mad at me and he admitted I didn’t do anything wrong, then maybe he wasn’t really mad at me. He prolly hurt me for his own sadistic pleasure.

Ruby, he became angry because you yelled at him. There was no reason to yell. You need to learn professionalism. He is not doing this for his own sadistic pleasure. That is YOU making yourself into the victim, once again. You yelled at your supervisor. Something one should never do in a professional work environment. Of course he got angry then. You really need to learn behavior management. I'm afraid you are not ready to lead others or supervise others. There is no yelling involved in professionalism.

I would encourage you not to make assumptions about his internal state or motivation. Because you just don't know what was happening in his mind. Nor do I. Most people are not sadists; that's a small minority.

Have you tried talking to him about it?

There's always the possibility that it was a simple misunderstanding between the two of you. Happens all the time.

All I know is in my experience, plenty of people had been mad at me and denied it. They’d get better the next day and then start the process over again a few days later. It’s like they’re playing mind games with me.

Best to just focus on being professional, doing a great job and the best job that you can then to worry about people's moods towards you. If you are polite, friendly and easy to be around, then there is no reason to be mad at you. But if you are acting out again in your work environment, yelling at people and goofing off as you have told us about in this job and others, then yes, people could be angry with you. IF you are acting that way again.

I'm sorry you have experienced that Ruby. People can be very confusing at times. Try to start every day fresh if you can. That often helps. If the fresh day does not feel fresh and old issues seem to be lingering, just try gently asking the person if there's anything they want to talk about. That's better than shouting but I know you're already aware of that.

When we work with people, just like when we post on PC, we just don't know what's going on in their life. Perhaps they had a fight that morning with their spouse, or their car broke down, or they got bad news from their doctor, or money troubles.....I could go on. Keep bringing your focus back to you. We cannot control other people. We control how we respond to them. That is both our power and our peace.

What do you think of your supervisor in general? Nice guy usually? Able to get along okay?

You are not the center of the universe. What goes on with other people most likely has nothing to do with you. He was having a bad day and you made it worse by personalizing his behavior and yelled at him. Totally unprofessional. It's not about you. Boundaries!

Ruby I would like to ask, if I may, if anything good happened this week? Anything you feel glad about? I find that making a list of things I'm grateful for each day really helps me to feel more positive.

You may like to join the gratitude thread

Gratitude?

There are wonderful, inspiring contributions from other members and it's a nice non-pressured way to connect.

And if you ever feel like you need more beauty in your life:
The Beauty Thread

I would love to hear what you find beautiful or what you're grateful for...big or small. No pressure! Just a couple of cheer-up ideas for you. Be well

Yes. And Most of the time he doesn’t get mad. But this time he was and he lied his *** off about it.

But how am I supposed to know that? How do I know when people being pissed has nothing to do with me? And how do I know if they’re even mad at all?

If most of the time he's okay I think you have two options....

1. gently ask him if you misunderstood or if there's a problem

2. leave it there and start afresh

Just one more thought....how do you know he's lying? You're not in his head right? I think there is more than one way to interpret this situation.

Good question. All you can do is ask a person and see what happens.

It's a very safe assumption that we are not the center of other people's world. That what they do has very little to do with us.

Even if he was mad at you yelling at him was not the right response, he is your supervisor. If you asked him if he was mad and he said no then accept that, you can not know what other people are thinking or feeling and you don't have to know. . You can say in a natural voice that you feel he is angry. But if the person denied it then there's nothing you can do but accept that they are having a bad day and stay out of their way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ruby2011 That's how he said it anyway. He denied being mad today until I yelled. But if he wasn't actually mad, why did he act like he was? He wasn't ever mad the last time I worked with him. Today, the minute I arrived, he was already mad. And then lied about it.

Maybe he was upset about something long before you arrived. You didn't see him before you arrived so how do you know he wasn't already like that before you got there?

I could be upset about something & it comes across just in how I am at that time....& it doesn't mean I am mad at anyone. When I was mad about something at home it was difficult to put aside those feelings when I got to work & if I seemed angry it sure wasn't because of anyone at work.

DON'T EVER YELL at your boss. He has a right to be angry at you for doing that. Totally inappropriate behavior on your part no matter how you felt he was feeling.

Also you are working for them. Your presence does not depend on if you just FEEL like coming in later. Working means BEING RESPONSIBLE for meeting THEIR schedule not yours. You want to be a mature responsible adult you are going to have to learn to act like one.