[DazedandConfused254]

What a heavy question that I’ve been pondering since a squabble with my family on a trip, which I hate myself for because I was impatient and angry in handling this fiasco. Since my little spat I have been doubtful about my own capability of having decent relationships, further rehashing painful memories of my last 6 years of school, filled with abuse, pressure to conform to rigid social norms and seeing previous friendships melt away quicker than ice cream. It’s been a toxic combo of overly sensitive people melting down over every little silly or awkward comment I make and people not being intentional to keep in touch with me after finishing school. Friendships in general are like novice fishing trips, you catch as many fish as you can, gloat over a selfie, and throw them back. My recent struggles haven’t all been bad. They’ve been a stepping stone to personal boundaries and figuring out what kind of person I am and what I desire from others. I love all of my family members like best friends and have dedicated the past couple of years to strengthening my higher quality friendships that i formed in childhood and college, particularly 3 or four of my closest friends. But as I’ve seen during my aforementioned head-butt on a family trip, and an increase in such incidents with my folks and people who have been less than supportive in my transitional phases, people love to criticize you for every little mistake, belittle others when given the opportunity (ie on SM seeing romantic couples when I’m single), and have absolutely no sense of what is going to hurt me or help me. In recent years in light of my troubles but also having this same quality all along I often feel more at peace when I’m pursuing my interests alone rather than being with people, knowing people will either never share my interests or try to suck me into a vortex of leaky boundaries and attempts to change who I am to please the crowd. I cringe every time I hear things like “people are social creatures/pack animals”, because in the context of what has happened in my life this is dead wrong. In my minds eye I’m better off living my life alone to eliminate all possibilities of getting hurt or manipulated than I am to keep meaningful relationships.

When I transition to the real world I’m not going to make anymore friendships and never pursue romance because I’ve crossed the line with too many mistakes and the people who seem to genuinely care actually genuinely want to devour me. It’s all my fault that I did not handle previous friendships and the trials they had to bring better and I probably will just have to find a way to live with it.

Am I a bad person? Am I too much of a monster to share connections with other people? What’s the point of having friends and relationships anyway?

No medical labels please. But support is accepted with open arms

[divine1966]

I’d say there are always people who share your interests. Even the most unusual interests are shared by someone, jusf have to find those people.

Also in my experience most people are not interested in changing you to please the crowd. What crowd? I think it’s wise to look for friendships and relationships in your own circles, circles of people who fit your standards and are a match. Most people don’t care if someone pleases the crowd or not. We all just choose who we associate with. No need to join crowds. Keep high standards and expectations

What’s the point of it all... good question

In my personal life and in my opinion point of friendships and relationships is that they are enjoyable for me and bring me pleasure and I bring pleasure to those people/groups as well.

I am always puzzled hearing and reading about people having the most upsetting friendships and the most miserable relationships yet sticking around. I could understand that it’s hard to leave bad relationships as often a lot is at stake: kids, finances, shared house, feelings etc so it does take time and people hope things get better. But maintaining friendships that are not enjoyable and bring suffering makes zero sense to me. Life is way too short

I’d say if at the given moment relationships and friendships don’t sound like something you want, it’s perfectly ok to
focus on your career and financial independence. You are still young and there ton of other things you can enjoy in life. When time is right things will happen

[saidso]

Yes a complete "waste" of time but necessary!

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by saidso

Yes a complete "waste" of time but necessary!

I don’t think it’s necessary though. It’s entirely a choice. One can survive without friendships and relationships if it works for them

[TheUrOther]

I am literally dying because of my rejection from the global social circle. It blocks me from profitable employment, and it increases the price of every resource I try to obtain. People make associating with them necessary as a gate-keeping mechanism for the resources they control. If you do not supply the gate-keepers' demands you will be starved to death.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by TheUrOther

I am literally dying because of my rejection from the global social circle. It blocks me from profitable employment, and it increases the price of every resource I try to obtain. People make associating with them necessary as a gate-keeping mechanism for the resources they control. If you do not supply the gate-keepers' demands you will be starved to death.

I do agree with you that we have to maintain some type of professional associations with people if we want to have a job. But it doesn’t mean you need to have friendships or relationships outside of professional setting. But I hear what you are saying. Even in order to provide professional references you have to engage with people but again it doesn’t mean you need to be friends or lovers with people. Your interactions could be somewhat superficial

[DazedandConfused254]

Originally Posted by saidso

Yes a complete "waste" of time but necessary!

It's going to be a long life for me since most people are superficial and have the capacity to inflict hurt on me then

[DazedandConfused254]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I’d say there are always people who share your interests. Even the most unusual interests are shared by someone, jusf have to find those people.

Also in my experience most people are not interested in changing you to please the crowd. What crowd? I think it’s wise to look for friendships and relationships in your own circles, circles of people who fit your standards and are a match. Most people don’t care if someone pleases the crowd or not. We all just choose who we associate with. No need to join crowds. Keep high standards and expectations

What’s the point of it all... good question

In my personal life and in my opinion point of friendships and relationships is that they are enjoyable for me and bring me pleasure and I bring pleasure to those people/groups as well.

I am always puzzled hearing and reading about people having the most upsetting friendships and the most miserable relationships yet sticking around. I could understand that it’s hard to leave bad relationships as often a lot is at stake: kids, finances, shared house, feelings etc so it does take time and people hope things get better. But maintaining friendships that are not enjoyable and bring suffering makes zero sense to me. Life is way too short

I’d say if at the given moment relationships and friendships don’t sound like something you want, it’s perfectly ok to
focus on your career and financial independence. You are still young and there ton of other things you can enjoy in life. When time is right things will happen

Thank you for your thoughtful replies like always, divine. I guess I have found a few friends who share similar interests, otherwise I would have zero friends but these past few years they have been far and few in between. If there's no "crowd" to please, that is encouraging to hear, it's just that I've been in a uni that is known for being very traditional and conservative. It's not always a bad thing, but that mentality seems to have affected the ability to make friends, and I think could be responsible for me developing this menality.

I totally agree about the difficulty to break away from even the most toxic relationships. I guess I'm too positive and have tried too hard to look for the light in lifeless friendships. Thankfully I've already been prioritizing self preservation and the few friendships I have now instead of sacrificing myself to make new friends or mix up my priorities of starting a new career and continuing my current online job.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by DazedandConfused254

knowing people will either never share my interests or try to suck me into a vortex of leaky boundaries and attempts to change who I am to please the crowd.

I love this. I know its not what you were going for but its very poignant.

When I transition to the real world I’m not going to make anymore friendships and never pursue romance because I’ve crossed the line with too many mistakes and the people who seem to genuinely care actually genuinely want to devour me. It’s all my fault that I did not handle previous friendships and the trials they had to bring better and I probably will just have to find a way to live with it.

Am I a bad person? Am I too much of a monster to share connections with other people? What’s the point of having friends and relationships anyway?

No medical labels please. But support is accepted with open arms

I do not want you to feel this way. And I wont BS you with the rainbows and unicorns crap that hallmark cards are written about. Do you have even one good-you-can-count-on friend? Sometimes we need to have developed that one relationship in order to form other ones. I dont know about you but I do not count family as friends. I am very close with mine and they are mostly good and would do anything for me but they are not the same as friends. My mother always said you could count on one hand the good friends you have as an adult. In that case I would say I have three. My ultimate BFF who was there for the birth of my daughter and is getting married in July- my neighbor and my sponsor. Maybe one other fairweather friend. And my husband. I cant advise on romance because I know I am very fortunate and do not know the first thing about dating since I have been married since I was 20. I'd like to think you should be friends first, that is how it was with us. We talked until the birds came out but the same thing has happened with my best friend so maybe thats a crumby example. I guess just do your best to remain open-not to abuse or narcissists but just generally open to new experiences. You are right about friendships being like fishing sometimes. You can work hard at being a great friend to the ones you have and maybe that will open some doors for you. There is always therapy but I would say in many experiences that is hit or miss. I reached my therapy max and personally have had enough of it. And screw the selfies. I do not send them to my friends unless I am in one with them.

[DazedandConfused254]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I do not want you to feel this way. And I wont BS you with the rainbows and unicorns crap that hallmark cards are written about. Do you have even one good-you-can-count-on friend?

Love it! You always seem to understand me and almost even know what I'm hoping to hear sometimes!

I do have a good friend who I can pretty much always count on. He has the unique blend of featuring both a unique story of his family and upbringing while also being highly interested in what is going on in my life. We talk about everything, from sports, traveling, to mutual friends. And best of all, he has not flaked out when I have gone through life's transitions like some people have recently. Never even mind he lives 90 miles away. I also have a couple of friends who I keep in touch with also. One that I have known almost as long as my BFF has disagreed with personal issues like worldviews and such but we have of course forgiven each other and love seeing each other when we get the chance. Even with our differences we still love each other as friends and support each other through life's curveballs. Another friend I've connected with on a deeper level in more recent times, and come to find out he is almost the same person as me, right down to tastes and hobbies!

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I dont know about you but I do not count family as friends. I am very close with mine and they are mostly good and would do anything for me but they are not the same as friends.

That is an interesting thought that you put in with how to view your family. Growing up and even to some extent today I have possessed somewhat of a "best friend" relationship with my parents. This isn't always a bad thing. As in your experience its beautiful to have a solid relationship with most of your family members, like I do with mine, but it's not rainbows and lollipops either. My father is sometimes annoyingly moody and both parents sometimes jump to conclusions when they don't know what to say. They have also had difficulty respecting my autonomy. I still love my parents, but maybe viewing them as family instead of friends can help boost my personal growth and independence.

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

We talked until the birds came out but the same thing has happened with my best friend so maybe thats a crumby example. I guess just do your best to remain open-not to abuse or narcissists but just generally open to new experiences. You are right about friendships being like fishing sometimes. You can work hard at being a great friend to the ones you have and maybe that will open some doors for you. There is always therapy but I would say in many experiences that is hit or miss. I reached my therapy max and personally have had enough of it. And screw the selfies. I do not send them to my friends unless I am in one with them.

Don't worry, I think most relationships in general start small and you can pretty much tell right away if it works out. I've become a more fearful person since life went downhill a couple of years ago when I got cut off from a toxic summer intern early and had people ditch me for superficial reasons, but I am still hopeful of new experiences. I'm sure that's what even got me to the closest friends that I mentioned earlier. Maybe I'm just trying too hard to please people. Both my parents and BFF can count the number of friends they have on one hand (my parents: one finger), and they are plenty happy, so I just need to concentrate on the people who care the most. Despite what I've been through I've already improved a bit by counting on tighter friendships! It's encouraging that you see something new sprouting up even in friendships that already exist.